Tantamount
by OhGeeFantasy
Summary: After Edward moves to Forks, Washington, he's angry at the world. A dare places him in Bella Swan's path, and what transpires that summer is beyond comprehension for the seventeen-year-old.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi, Everyone!**

 **I'm back with another contest entry. This time I wrote for the Secrets and Lies Contest. I decided to break up the original entry into seven chapters and already have several more chapters ready to post. I'll be posting twice a week, so if you want to follow it, just press FOLLOW! Duh! ;) This will be a full-fledged story; however, I'm not sure how long it will be. It's been awhile since I've been excited about writing and posting a fanfic story on the regular.**

 **WARNING: Please note this was written for the Secrets and Lies contest, so read at your own risk.**

 **Enjoy, my pretties.**

 **Summary:** **After Edward moves to Forks, Washington, he's angry at the world. A dare places him in Bella Swan's path, and what transpires that summer is beyond comprehension for the seventeen-year-old.**

 **\- DISCLAIMER: The author does not own any publicly recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement is**

 **Intended.**

 **Tantamount**

 **Chapter 1**

Forks, Washington, is my home, now; it has been for nine months. Nothing much has changed in that time other than I'm a little more belligerent these days. I don't care to make friends. Mainly, because no one is cool enough. I have acquaintances like my dumbass neighbors Emmett and Jasper. Emmett's a football player—too many hits to the head, I believe. Jasper is his little bitch-sidekick and the team's waterboy—enough said. My real home is Seattle, the place I'll move back to after I graduate after I endure another year here.

When Carlisle accepted a job at the local hospital as a trauma doctor, he uprooted us—Mom from her best friends and job as a florist, me from my buddies: Garrett and Seth, and the high school baseball team. I was pissed. Oh, and I was forced to leave behind Tanya, my girlfriend. I see her when I go to Seattle every few months. We hang out and other things that involve clothes on the floor of wherever we are doing the deed. Lately, though, we've been having troubles.

I'm Edward Cullen. I'm cocky by nature because I speak my mind. Some take offense to that, but it's who I am. I've overheard the girls say I'm sexy as hell, but they are afraid to approach me. I'm one-hundred percent fine with that because not one I've seen is my type. Their attention is no different from my last school, so it's whatever; I'm used to it. In Forks though, I keep to myself, mostly listening to music or playing my acoustic guitar or video games to pass the time. I'm not the cock jock I used to be at my old school. To be honest, I was going to try out for the baseball team this year, but they suck, and I have no desire to be on a losing team.

"Ed!" Emmett claps his hand on my shoulder.

I slam my locker door and give him an elbow in the stomach, not too hard, but he doubles over. The guy never learns.

He coughs a couple times. "What the hell was that for?"

"It's Edward, not Ed, Eddie, or Edwardo."

"Point taken. Damn."

"You think my warnings were for shits and grins?" I slide the strap of my backpack over my shoulder and wait for Emmett to regain his composure.

"You're such an asshole."

"Yeah." I nod. I know I'm an asshole—like I give a shit.

Emmett rolls his eyes. "At least you know it."

"What do you want?"

"Did you hear about the keg party at Royce's tonight?"

"I heard." I start walking. I have better things to do on the last day of school than sit and gab like a bunch of hens in front of my locker.

"You going?"

I shrug. The party's not a priority at this point.

Jasper catches up with us. "Hey, you guys going to Royce's tonight?"

"I was just asking Edward if he's going."

"So? You going?" Jasper looks at me.

"Why is it such a big deal?"

One keg, one small town, and Goddamn, people act like the president is coming to town.

"End of school party. It's going to be epic," Jasper says. "Girls from Port Angeles will be there, too."

My ears perk up at that bit of info. It's been almost four weeks since I've seen Tanya, and I could use a piece of ass right now. Blue balls suck. I've seen all the girls in this town, and it's slim pickings. Either they're taken or they aren't up to my standards. "I'll think about it."

"Can you give us a ride home?" Jasper asks. "My car's in the shop."

"For money." I'm kidding, but the flat look on my face has them pulling out cash. I take it because I'm broke.

After ten minutes of listening to them drone on, we finally pull into my driveway.

"Have you decided if you're going?" Emmett asks before adding a selling point. "Free beer."

I have never been much of a drinker because baseball has always been my focus and I've taken training seriously, but since this town has squashed my plans at the sport, I decide free beer sounds pretty good this evening. Plus, I need to get out of the house.

We decide to meet here at eight o'clock and walk to the party since it's on the next block over.

Emmett and Jasper go home, and I pull the trashcan up front the street.

A noise from over the bushes that separate our driveway from the neighbor's catches my attention. I notice the girl next door. She goes to our school but we've still not met. She's nothing special. In fact, I've never given her a second thought. Her hair is just past her shoulders, dark brown and stringy. She's plain, not my type at all.

I give a nod in case she sees me looking her way and put the trashcan next to the garage before going in the house.

"Hi, honey. How was the last day of school?" Mom's holding a vase of pink flowers.

"Fine."

"Just fine?"

"Yep. Oh, I'm going out tonight." I ditch my backpack by the stairs and head to the kitchen for some food.

Mom follows me, probably because I've only been out a few times since we moved here.

"Where ya going?" She sets the arrangement down on the counter.

"There's a get-together, next block over." There's no way I'm telling her it's a keg party.

"You going alone?" Her brows furrow. She's been worried I've been unhappy since we've moved to Forks.

"No, with Emmett and Jasper."

"Oh, that's great, sweetie."

Mom smiles and gives me a kiss on my forehead, then picks up her of flowers to go back to the living room.

"Curfew is midnight," she sings over her shoulder as she walks away.

 ***T***

The party is huge. There's a garage band, The Shack Ups. They sound a little like Nirvana except definitely not that good, but they're keeping everyone entertained. I wouldn't be surprised if my parents can hear the festivities from over at our house. A keg is tapped, and a crowd of people surrounds it, taking turns filling their Solo cups. I decide I'll grab one too. I have nothing to lose.

It's crazy how a few beers and a grunge band can loosen a person up. I'm shooting the shit with the guys and barely have time to refill my cup when it's empty. That's okay though because a few girls I haven't seen at our school bring me beer and flirt. They're sexy too—low cut shirts and short skirts that barely cover their asses. It's the first time I've even had a chub since I've moved here.

"That one." Emmett nods to the redhead who keeps looking my way. "She fucks a dude from the Rez. I think they date now, so I'd probably leave her alone."

"I could fuck her if I wanted to."

Emmett laughs. "You that positive?"

"One hundred percent."

"Prove it," Jasper says.

"Alright." The beer is in full effect, and this chick has been eye-fucking me all night. I got this.

I shoot a wink across the crowd, and the redhead smiles. I motion with my head for her to come over. She does. It's part of my charm I guess, and Jasper and Emmett flip at how easy I'm getting this bitch over here.

"Hey, beautiful. What's your name?" I run my fingers down the length of her arm and toy with her hand; she smiles.

"Hi, I'm Victoria." She bites her lip. Little does she know she doesn't have to do that for me to want to fuck her.

"Let's get outta here. What do you say?"

My new conquest nods her head.

I look at Jasper and cock my eyebrow. Watch and learn, little prick.

I lean into Jasper and whisper, "I'll bring you proof." His eyes widen. I assume no one has ever been this willing to prove a point to him before.

I take Victoria by the hand and lead her to a spot in the woods. It doesn't take long before her hand is down my pants and around my cock. Not wanting to drag this out, it's only seconds before I have a condom on and her panties off, thrusting into her from behind. She's moaning and begging for more, and I shoot my load but not before letting her have an orgasm. I'm not that much of a jerk.

"Thanks, babe."

"Thank _you."_ She bites her lip again.

I wish she'd quit doing that because it's not gonna get my dick in her again anytime in the future. This is a one and done kinda deal.

I discard my condom in the foliage and pull up my jeans. She's leaning against a tree catching her breath, and I give her a cocky grin. I reach for her panties on the ground and hold them to my nose. "Mmm, I think I'll keep these as a souvenir."

"Fine with me, hot stuff."

I wait until she's dressed, and we walk back to the party. She goes back to her friends, and I go back to Emmett and Jasper. I throw the panties in Jasper's face. "Done."

"Oh my fuck," Emmett says. "You didn't."

"There's the proof, asshole. If you need more than that, you can search for the dirty condom in the woods."

"It's all good."

 ***T***

The party winds down after a few hours, but a few stragglers remain. Emmett, Jasper, a guy named Mike, and another dude named Embry are all sitting around in lawn chairs. We're drunk, and that's when things get lit.

"I dare you to—" Jasper pauses, looking at Embry "—strip down to your boxers and run around the house."

We laugh. We're playing truth or dare, but no one is choosing truth. Maybe too many ugly secrets linger in this town.

Embry pulls his shorts and shirt off. We laugh hysterically, so hard we're falling out of our chairs. Embry doesn't wear boxers, or underwear of any type. He's butt-naked and takes off running around the house, his dick bouncing in the moonlight. He startles a few girls, and they scream at the sight, making us laugh even harder.

"Whew," Embry says. "That was exhilarating."

"Your turn, Cullen," Emmett says. "Truth or dare."

"Dare."

Emmett leans over to Jasper and whispers in his ear. A wicked smile plays on Jasper's face. Whatever Emmett is saying must be a doozy, but I'm not a pussy, so I'll do whatever they ask.

"Okay...you have to—"

Police sirens interrupt Emmett, and everyone scatters like roaches. We dart around the bushes and through the trees until we make it back to our block. All three of us are winded and take a seat on my front porch steps.

"So, about that dare," Emmett says.

"Isn't it too late to still be playing this?" The beer has taken its toll, and I'm ready for bed.

"Oh, Edward. You have all summer to complete this one."

Jasper smiles. "I don't think he can pull it off."

I glare at Jasper. "I just proved tonight I can and will accomplish a dare. But, I'm tired of playing little high school games, guys. I'm going to bed."

"How 'bout we add some green to the pot to entice him." Emmett looks at Jasper, and they both reach for their wallets.

"Sounds like it's probably illegal or immoral, Emmett." The dare must be bad if they're throwing money into the mix.

Jasper's family is in the oil business and well-off, and Emmett's mom is a writer. According to him, one of her fanfiction stories has been published, and now, they're making bank. He has tried to explain it, but I still have no idea what fanfiction is.

They both pull a hundred dollar bill out of their wallet like I'd pull a one. Emmett takes Jasper's hundred and waves the bills. "Two hundred dollars, payable to you, _if_ you can prove it."

"Shit." I could use some money. There's this guitar I've had my eye on in Port Angeles. "What's the dare?"

"Sleep with Bella."

"Bella?" I ask.

"Your neighbor," Jasper says. "She's not going to be as easy as Victoria, just sayin'."

"That's it? Piece of cake." That Fender will be mine before the end of the summer.

The guys laugh and fist bump; however, I'll be the one laughing once I bag the girl next door.

"Let us know if you go through with it," Emmett says.

"Later, Cullen," Jasper says as he edges away from the porch.

"Later."

 **A/N:**

 **This little story was lucky enough to receive a few awards in the Secrets & Lies Twific Contest.**

 ***2nd Place Public Vote**

 ***Honorable Mention - Well Written - Most Diverse Subject**

 ***The Golden Pretzel Award - Best Plot Twist**

 **If you haven't read the stories, you should.**

 **Thank you for reading and reviewing Tantamount. Remember, reviews are payment for our blood, sweat, and tears...or maybe food for our egos. LOL Not gonna lie, I love reviews.**

 **And thank you to EnchantedbyTwilight for betaing for me in the midst of surgery and recovery on her ankle. I love you as much, if not more, than the million pieces in which your bones decided to split.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**

 **Note from EnchantedbyTwilight: I have never been as excited about being a part of a story as I am about this one. Thank you, my Twinkie, for the honor of betaing this!**

 **And thank you for letting me fix my mistakes from the contest. Honestly, I do know the difference between who's and whose and wander and wonder! :) The drugs they gave me were good!**

XO, Tracy


	2. Chapter 2

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter2**

This morning I'm moving slow. My head is pounding like a mother. I think Mom knows I partied too hard because she wakes me up bright and early, saying she needs my help. Usually, I sleep until noon, but Mom has me pulling vases from the attic. My hangover and I are pissed.

I'm ready to go back to my room when the doorbell rings. To my surprise, the girl from next door is standing there.

"Hi," she says when I open the door.

"Hi."

"I'm Bella. I live next door." She motions toward her house. She's wearing a Hello Kitty t-shirt and baggy jeans. Her body type is okay. She has nice boobs and a flat stomach. Her hair is combed today and in a ponytail, but she's not wearing any makeup. Completing my dare won't be too hard if I can look past her homeliness.

"I'm Edward. I live here."

Bella grins and a puff of air leaves her nose. I wasn't trying to be funny. She links her fingers together and twists them, fidgeting.

"Can I help you, Bella?"

"Actually, yes...please. I saw you looking my way yesterday, so I thought I'd come over, finally, and introduce myself among other things."

I lean against the door frame, waiting for the climax of this conversation if there even is one.

"I need some help reaching a box on a shelf in my closet."

"Sounds urgent." I'm totally being sarcastic.

"Kind of. All my favorite books are in that box, and my dad won't be home for about a week to get it down for me. So—" she dips her chin and hesitates a moment before she looks up "—you're tall."

"Yeah." _And you're a rocket scientist._

"Can you help me?"

Ugh, I'm hungover bad. The last thing I want to do is help this girl; however, I could get the ball rolling on the dare.

"Sounds like a predicament."

"Yeah, I'll mostly just read this summer. I don't have any big plans as of yet," she adds, rocking back and forth on her feet, adding to her fidgety repertoire.

She's a nervous Nellie _,_ a little boring bookworm. I wonder if she reads porn? I scan her face, and there's not a drop of deviance showing behind those brown eyes, so I doubt it.

"Of course, I'd be glad to help." I clench my jaw. I'm in no mood to help.

"Great. Thanks."

I follow her next door and notice Emmett across the street retrieving the newspaper from his sidewalk. He gives me a big thumbs up and a few hip thrusts. I shake my head. He laughs and jogs back into his house.

I follow her up the stairs and to her bedroom. It's pink—really pink. There's a lot of pink on the walls and different colors of pink on her bed with ruffles and shit. It looks comfy, though, and it's probably where she hangs out and reads. Her room faces my house and overlooks the driveway and my badass black truck.

"It's up here." She points to the shelf in her walk-in closet.

I follow her inside. The box is within my reach, and I have it down and on her bed in less than thirty seconds.

"There you go."

"Thanks."

Bella offers me some Blue Cherry Kool-Aid as we make our way back downstairs. I take her up on the offer and stay a few minutes longer even though I don't want to.

She doesn't take her eyes off me—I can tell in my peripheral. I have a hard time looking her in the face, probably because I'm getting ready to play her, so I pet her cat while we drink our Kool-Aid.

"Thanks again for your help."

"No problem." I take a few steps on the porch, and then think about the dare and turn around. "Hey, would you like to go to the movies tonight?"

"Oh, um—" her fingers twist together in front of her, and she inhales a long breath "—sure I guess."

"Okay, give me your number, and I'll text you movie times."

We exchange numbers, and I go back home. My headache is gone, maybe from the blue food coloring, and now, I'm starving.

With a few PB&J's in my hand and a game on TV, I'm finally able to kick back on the couch and relax. It's not long before there's another knock at my door. I think about not answering it, but it could be Bella needing my help again, and I should look interested.

"Hey, dude."

It's Emmett, and he's flashing those hundreds in my face.

"Thought I'd give you a little incentive."

"I know what two hundred dollars look like but thanks."

"Are we still on?"

"Hell, yeah. I'm taking her to the movies tonight." I toss my baseball from one hand to the other. I suppose it's a habit, kinda like Bella fiddling with her hands all the time.

Emmett laughs. "The guys will immortalize you, you know."

I huff out a laugh, and we fist bump.

 ***T***

Thankfully, Carlisle gives me a fifty. I'm broke since I can't find a job in this town. He must've been happy I was finally doing something besides staying around the house.

Bella meets me at my truck. She's wearing a purple knee-length dress. It's not fancy, but it's different from what she usually wears. Her hair is down and combed, which is nice, but there is no sign of makeup. I don't really care to be honest; it's not like we're dating, but I am going to be in public with her, and I have an image to uphold.

"Let's go," I say, motioning toward my truck. I don't open the door for her because for one, this is not a date, and two, I don't do that; it's old school.

I turn the music up on my stereo, so I don't have to make small talk with Bella, but she looks okay with it. I park towards the back of the parking lot and scan the area, making sure I don't see anyone I know. I suggest to Bella that she should grab our seats in the theater while I buy our tickets and popcorn. She agrees, and I take my time, waiting until I know the lights are dimmed in the theater and the previews are playing.

I stand just inside the door letting my eyes adjust to the darkness, and I finally spot her all the way in the back.

"Hi." I duck into my seat.

"Are these seats okay?"

"Perfect." I hand her the popcorn and a drink.

"Thanks, popcorn's my favorite." She puts some in her mouth. A few pieces fall to her lap and she flicks them off, hitting the seat in front of us.

I laugh. It's totally something me and my buddies would do, except we'd aim for the back of heads.

During the movie, Bella taps the toe of her shoe on the floor and then grips onto my arm when it's suspenseful. She buries her face there as well when it's too much for her to handle. I don't really mind; I'm the one who wanted to see this movie, so I'll take the repercussions. Plus, it's dark and no one can see us.

"Are you okay?" I whisper.

"Yes, I'm fine."

I don't entirely believe her, but she's a trooper and sticks it out.

"Want to grab an ice cream before we go home?" Bella asks.

I contemplate saying no but decide I need to get this whole thing over with. Spending more time with her will most likely get me that home run way quicker. "Sure, if you want to."

Her face lights up. "My treat."

"Even better." I jab her playfully with my elbow.

Bella chooses a double scoop of triple chocolate peanut butter, and I order a double scoop of rainbow sherbet. We cheers with our cones before eating them and have a contest on who can finish first.

With massive brain freezes, we tie.

"Not a great idea, Edward."

My palms are pushed into my eyes in hopes of relieving some of the pain. "You didn't say no."

"Ugh, I should have," Bella moans.

"Next time, we're not doing this."

"Next time?" she asks.

"Uh huh."

"Okay, it's a date." She gives me a coy smile and wipes the chocolate from her mouth. I hear her toe tapping the floor in rapid succession.

I didn't think of tonight as a date, just a means to an end, but thankfully, the ball is in motion, so it looks like we're hanging out again.

I give Bella a hug in the driveway and watch her walk home. Her dress is wedged in her buttcrack, and now I'm wondering if that's why people were staring at us when we walked back to my truck from the ice cream parlor. I chuckle to myself.

"Goodnight, Bella," I say, and then mumble to myself. "This might be harder than I thought."

 **A/N:**

 **Thanks again for reading and reviewing.**

 **Hugs to T for betaing 3**

 **I'll post the chapters that were in the contest A.S.A.P., and the new chapters on Tuesdays and Thursdays.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **XO,**

 **OhGee**


	3. Chapter 3

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 3**

Emmett and Jasper stop by. I'm in my room playing PS4, kicking butt and taking names. They make themselves comfortable—Jasper at my desk and Emmett on the floor, taking my other controller.

"How was your _date_ last week? Jasper asks.

He makes air quotes when he says _date_. I want to tell him he's a douche, but I refrain. There are two hundred dollars riding on this dare, and I don't want either one of the guys reneging.

"It was fun."

"Fun as in…" Emmett motions with his fist to his mouth. His guy gets shot in the head while he's acting like an idiot, game over. "Shit!" He tosses his controller to the carpet.

"A blow job wasn't part of the deal, but I'll gladly accept one." I'm done playing the game and turn off the TV. I switch out my controller for my baseball. My thumb traces the laces and I toss it in the air a few times.

The guys are still laughing.

"What's so funny?" Bella isn't repulsive. She's plain and not my type, but not hideous.

"Nothing," they say in unison.

When Emmett regains his composure he asks, "I thought you'd have this one bagged in no time, Mr. I-can-hook-up-with-anyone-I-want?"

"I'm easing into this. I don't think Bella has ever had a boyfriend let alone had sex." I transfer the baseball quickly from hand to hand. The guys are pissing me off, and the ball is keeping me from punching them in the face.

Emmett has a goofy smile on his face. "Probably not."

"She's not a whore like most of the girls in this town, so gimme some time."

Bella and I have hung out a few times since the movie, watching me shoot hoops and going to Port Angeles to see the Fender I've been eyeing and saving for. We always have a good time, so it's not as awkward. I think things are progressing, and her nerves seem to have calmed the fuck down.

The guys leave, and I text Bella.

 **How about some triple chocolate peanut butter ice cream** _ **?**_

She replies right away. _**I can't turn down an offer like that**_ **.**

 **Meet me at my truck in ten minutes.**

 _ **OK.**_

We take our ice cream to the park and sit on the swings. It's muggy in Forks today, and our ice cream is melting quicker than we can eat it. It's running down Bella's chin, and I wipe the drip with my thumb.

"Thanks," she says.

"We should have stayed at the ice cream parlor instead and raced again. It would have been less messy."

Bella takes one more bite then tosses the rest of her cone in the grass beside the swing set. "I like it here. Let's see who can swing the highest?"

"Mkay."

"Loser takes the winner to dinner," she says, pumping her feet, gaining altitude.

"You're on. I'm a competitor so beware." I grip the chain and run backward in the sand, pulling my feet up. It's been a long time since I've been on a swing, so I follow her lead and pump my feet.

"I'm winning." Bella giggles. She's swinging so high, and I realize there's no way I can beat her, but I don't quit.

"Be careful." The chain of the swing slackens when she goes back then makes a hard clanking sound as she swings forward. "You're scaring me."

"Oh, Edward. I'm not scared." She tips her head back laughing. She's carefree. Her hair is blowing in the wind, and she closes her eyes; her feet make her go even higher. "I'm flying."

I swing for a few more minutes then drag my shoes in the sand, watching Bella the whole time. "You win."

"Yay! I never win anything." She slows to a stop. "That was fun. Now, where are you taking me for dinner?"

I laugh. "Tonight?"

Her brows furrow, and the toe of her shoe draws nonsense in the sand. "Oh, do you have plans already?"

"Nope. We can go if you want."

The smile returns to Bella's face. "I want."

The summer has tanned Bella's skin a bit and a few freckles dot her nose. I never really noticed any fine details about her until now, not even the small scar above her right eyebrow.

"How'd you get that?" I touch the scar.

"Oh, that." Her fingers replace mine on the scar. "Middle school. It's no big deal." Bella stares off for a moment and then darts from the swing. "Last one to the car is a rotten egg."

"This time I'm winning." I catch up with her in seconds and tag her rear end with my hand. "Gotcha." I make it to the truck a good fifteen seconds ahead of her.

"You're fast."

"Baseball. Home run King." I tap my chest with my hands.

"I sorta figured you as a home run King." She's winded but manages a playful roll of her eyes.

"When you're good, you're good."

Bella shakes her head. "And stuck up." Her fingers twist nervously like she regrets saying that.

No one has ever called me out for being stuck up. No doubt I'm cocky but, no girl has ever had the balls to say it out loud.

"I'll show you stuck up."

A smile returns to Bella's face when she sees I'm not pissed. I tickle her ribs, and we stumble to the grass. She adorable, trying to get away but also trying to tickle me back.

"Say Uncle." I have her pinned on her back now, and she's in hysterics.

"Uncle! Uncle!"

I let go of Bella, but she stays there holding her stomach, still giggling. I lie down beside her for a few minutes and then we roll until we're face-to-face, staring at one another.

"You're fun, Edward," Bella says then rolls to her side to get up leaving me there watching her. She looks over her shoulder and smiles before getting in the truck. I can't take my eyes off her.

After burgers and fries at the local diner, we head home. On the drive, we talk about hanging out again, but for now, Bella needs to get home and turn in. She has an early morning appointment in Port Angeles again tomorrow.

"Thanks for the fun afternoon and dinner."

"No problem. Thanks for going." I squeeze her hand, and she rocks back and forth from toes to heels a few times before turning around to leave.

"See you later."

I watch her walk home.

 **A/N:**

 **Sigh…**

 **I can't tell you how excited I am about this story.**

 **Thank you for coming along for the ride, even though it will get bumpy in some spots.**

 **FYI, I enjoy reviews as much as I enjoy my coffee and cream.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**

 **P.S. T, thanks a million!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 4**

It's a Friday, mid-summer, and hotter than hell in Forks. Bella and I have hung out almost every day for four weeks. A distant inkling of the dare sits dormant in the back of my mind, and I shrug it off, mostly because Emmett and Jasper had been out of town the past few weeks, and the cash hasn't been dangling in front of my face every few days. I haven't been back to Seattle either, mainly because I don't have the desire. Tanya has been busy with cheer camp and what-not, so I stick it out here. I ask Bella if she wants to go to La Push to the beach today, so we can cool off and have some fun. 

"I don't have a swimsuit."

"We can just put our feet in the water. I'm not much of a swimmer anyway."

Bella smiles. Her eyes sparkle when she's happy, and I smile back. We've become pretty good friends, and she wraps her arms around me in a hug.

"You're the best, Edward."

"I know."

"You're conceited, too." She tickles my ribs then runs toward her house. "I'll be back. I'm grabbing towels."

I'm in my board shorts waiting in the truck for Bella. When she gets in, I can tell something's wrong.

"Ready." She shuts the door and looks out the window. She's not her cheery self, and she's twisting her hands together like she used too when she was nervous around me.

"Are you okay?"

She shrugs.

"You can tell me if something's wrong."

Bella sighs. "It's my cousin. She's coming to visit in a few weeks."

"That bad, huh?"

Bella shrugs and her feet start tapping.

"Why?"

"She's blonde and tall, beauty-pageant pretty, so I feel invisible when she's around."

"Blonde?"

Bella's upper lip curls. "Yeah. You have a thing for blondes?" The tapping stops abruptly, and her head snaps in my direction.

"No. Not at all," I lie. I still see Tanya fresh in my mind with her long blonde hair pulled into a high ponytail in her cute, little cheer outfit.

A black cloud of a sigh looms in the truck as her head slowly turns back toward the windshield. She side eyes me. "Whatever."

"Don't be upset. You're great." I truly mean what I say. I touch Bella's hand to console her, and she links her fingers with mine. I don't pull away. She fidgets—tapping and wiggling her fingers around mine. I just drive.

La Push is perfect. I haven't been here yet, so I take it all in: easy-rolling, white, foamy waves and the salty sea breeze blowing off from the ocean. Bella and I find a spot on the beach and spread out our towels.

"It's nice here," Bella says, sitting down on her beach towel.

She's in long, denim shorts, a tank top, and sunglasses. She pulls her hair into a messy bun, leaving a few strands to blow in the breeze. She opens a can of Coke we bought at the Snack Shack and draws her knees to her chest.

I pull off my shirt and spread the towel out right next to hers. She hands me my Coke, and I pop the top before guzzling half of it in no time.

I burp, but in my defense, I try not too, and the carbonation burns my throat.

"Disgusting."

"Sorry."

We people watch and listen to one of my playlists on iTunes for a while. There are a few things I notice today, one: the sun brings out the reddish hues in Bella's hair and two: she's beautiful.

"Tell me something," Bella says.

"Something."

She slaps my leg. "No, silly. I mean, tell me what your favorite part of summer has been."

"Right now, sitting here with you."

"You're cheesy."

"I know, but hey, I live in the moment."

There's a brilliant smile on her face but she's looking out toward the ocean.

"What's your favorite part?" I ask.

"This."

"Copycat." I poke her playfully in her arm with my finger.

She nods and wiggles her toes under the sand.

After a while, we wander the beach, picking up shells along the way. I see Emmett with Jasper and a few of the guys from school. They're in the water dunking one another like a bunch of idiots. Bella puts her arm through mine and one of the guys sees us and proceeds to whistle and make catcalls. I give them the bird and focus on Bella.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"You're the sweetest guy I've ever met."

"I bet not."

"No. You are. Most people ditch me when they see their other friends. You're not doing that."

I glance down at her, and she's looking at her feet as we walk.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"Why haven't you ever had a boyfriend?"

"I don't know. I guess I don't fit into the norm. Amongst other things, I'm not a size zero, and I don't slather makeup on. Oh, and I love to eat. I hear guys don't like girls who like food." She laughs. "No offense, but guys are really shallow."

"Some can be for sure." I swallow down a knot in my throat. I'm pretty sure I'm at the top of the list.

Toward nightfall, there's a bonfire on the beach. We didn't bring jackets and it's cool now by the water so we take a walk toward the fire. Emmett, Jasper and some kids from school are there too. They're laughing and I assume it's about me and Bella because they're looking our way. I don't fucking care either, I give them the bird again and keep walking. Once I complete my dare I'll be the one doing all the laughing with a new Fender in my possession.

I've noticed a few girls huddled together giving us weird looks. Bella doesn't seem to pay attention, however, I do and shoot them a wicked glare. I take hold of Bella's hand. "Let's get outta here, 'kay?" _Fucking bitches._

"Oh, sure. Are you tired?"

"Not really. We can grab some dinner if you want."

"Mmm. Fries sound good."

"Fries it is."

We grab our towels, and I drape my arm around Bella's shoulder on our way back to the truck. And honestly, it feels okay. I've become comfortable with her.

Bella lets her hair down on the drive back to Forks. She selects the music on my stereo, soft and sexy, and leans her head back, her fingers tapping slowly on her knees. The night air whips her hair around her face like a beautiful funnel cloud, mile after mile down the stretch of highway.

Once we're in Forks, we order a basket of fries to go from the diner and eat in the truck at the park.

"These have to be the best crinkle cut fries in the entire world," Bella says.

"The world?" I turn in my seat facing her.

"Yes."

"But, if you've never had fries from say...another part of the world, then how can you say that? Plus, there are steak fries, thin-cut, curly ones, too, so that's pretty judgemental, Bella." I dredge a fry in ketchup, but before I stick it into my mouth I dot the end of her nose with it. "You gotta give them all a chance. Even though they're different, they're the same, made out of a potato."

She giggles, wiping the ketchup off with her index finger, sucking it into her mouth—it's kinda hot. "That's true, I guess. I'd need to try other fries to see if I like them...before making my mind up." She rolls her eyes.

"Hey. I'm just saying. Give the others a chance to prove to you they are worthy."

"Biggest cheese ball I've ever met." She takes a sip of the chocolate shake we're sharing.

"Hey, I'm only cheesy with you." My hand smoothes over Bella's suntanned knee. She's soft and my fingers burn white hot on her skin.

Something pulls me to the girl sitting in my truck, or maybe we're both leaning in. It's dark outside but I see her eyes wide with wonder. My lips burn to touch hers and it happens. I forget for a second who I'm with and what I'm doing. I'm gentle, though my heart beats strong. This is foreign—different on so many levels. We're breathing one another in. Seconds seem like minutes when our lips pause. Bella's lashes flutter then close, mine follow. My fingers curl into her beautiful, messy hair. Her head lulls in my hand. Bella's smells delicious—chocolate and sea breeze, and of course the greatest fries in the world. I dare a peek then I know for sure it's the girl next door. I'm here in deceit but also with truth. My mind stills as I breathe in the moment then it runs frantic with desire. The fries fall to the floorboard when she places her hand on my shoulder. _Fuck it_. My mouth opens, and that's the first time I taste salty-sweet. She's timid, but her tongue peeks out. Minutes seem like seconds for a kiss I want to last longer. She moans. I get hard.

"Shit, sorry," I say, pulling away.

"Why?" Her fingertips run over her bottom lip.

I shake my head. "We should get home."

"Is something wrong?"

My eyes shut tight, and I see Emmett and Jasper waving cash in my face. I shake my head.

"Okay." There's hurt in her voice. Bella scoops the fries off the floorboard and back into the basket, holding them in her lap. I start the truck. The ten-minute drive home is silent.

"Thanks," Bella says when we get home, her eyes glistening.

I must have hurt her feelings when I stopped kissing her so abruptly, I feel bad. I squeeze her hand and she leaves. I want to ask her if she wants to hang out tomorrow but the words won't come out. I watch her walk home anyway—as usual.

This time I take a seat on my porch and notice when she turns on her bedroom light. I can't see her through her shades but I wish I could. Fuck! What the hell is happening? I sit here and realize I can't play this girl. She's become my friend—or something else—the only person I care to see on the regular since I've moved here, and I'm just now figuring that out.

"Sweetie? You okay?" Mom is at the front door, holding it open.

"Yeah. Long day. I'm going to bed." I brush past her and go straight to my room. I've got a lot on my mind. I need to figure out a plan to fuck over Emmett and Jasper, not the girl.

I'm in my bed. Sleep evades me in a vindictive way, punching me in the gut each time I close my eyes, forcing me to face my asshole ways before I'm allowed to drift off to dreamland. My body is tired or maybe it's my mind that is exhausted from the lie I have agreed to. However, I think I'm falling for the one person I was trying to deceive. The old adage, money is the root of all evil, strikes a loud and obvious cord right now. I have to make this right for me and for Bella if there's ever a chance for us to proceed further with whatever it is happening between us.

I grab my phone. The first text I send is to Tanya.

 **I know this is a dick move but it's over. Have a good summer.**

The second text is to Bella.

 **Goodnight :)**

The first response I get is from Bella.

 _ **Goodnight.**_

The second reply is from Tanya.

 _ **YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!**_

 **A/N:**

 **Thank you for spending your time reading my words.**

 **Big squishy hugs to EnchantedbyTwilight for betaing my story.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	5. Chapter 5

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 5**

Emmett and Jasper drop by. They come over like clockwork now—every Monday. I'm picking at my guitar, and the guys are Snapchatting.

"I see some progress being made with Bella," Emmett says, sending a Snap. "Saw you two in La Push."

"Yeah. She's nice." I haven't seen Bella since Friday night. I saw her leave early this morning, but I'm not sure she's back yet.

"Nice won't get you two hundred bucks," Jasper says.

Emmett nods. "It's cut and dry, really. Fuck her and the money is yours."

I suck in a deep breath. "Yeah, it's happening tonight." I put my guitar back on it's stand and grab a baseball, tossing it up and catching it, over and over.

"We need proof. Or maybe just a play by play of how it all goes down," Jasper says.

"Alright, deal."

Thank God. I'll make up a story, and no one will be the wiser. I'll get my two hundred bucks, and Bella won't know I agreed to a stupid dare with these fools. The rest of the summer I can relax knowing I didn't fuck her over.

The guys leave, and I stretch out on my bed since sleep has been scarce lately. Bella has been a constant in my head. I have been feeling our friendship moving in another direction—one I hadn't anticipated.

I tap out a text on my phone.

 **Wanna go for ice cream tonight?**

 _ **We just picked up my cousin from the airport. Ugh. Is it okay if she tags along**_ **?**

 **That's fine. Does the beauty queen like ice cream** _ **?**_

 _ **LOL! Too bad if she doesn't.**_

 **Ha ha! See you girls at 7?**

 _ **Yep!**_

 ***T***

"Edward, this is Jane. Jane, this is Edward," Bella says.

I'm standing by my truck, speechless, stunned silent by the beauty in front of me. My eyes are wide, my mouth hanging open. My heart beats wildly under my ribs.

"Edward, are you okay?"

I can't take my eyes off her.

Bella snaps her fingers in front of my face. "Hey, cheese ball."

I blink a few times, and she's still just as stunning.

"Bella, you look beautiful."

"See! I told you with a little makeup you'd knock his socks off," Jane says. "Hi, I'm Jane." She waves her fingers. "I think you missed the introduction."

I huff a laugh. "Yeah, hi, sorry." I shake my head. "It's just that…" I look back at Bella taking her in—everything. Her hair is down and shiny, curled in big, silky flowing waves. I want to run my fingers through them and smear the pale pink lipstick on her pretty lips with mine—kiss her like I did Friday night, only longer. The blue shadow on her eyelids brings out the amber flecks in her brown eyes, which suck me into their depths. She's wearing a long, black dress that shows off her shoulders. The dress is flowy and almost reaches the ground, but I see her tanned leg from the slit in the side and hot pink toes peeking out from underneath.

"We should go," Bella says.

"Oh, yeah." I take her hand. "You really do look amazing tonight."

"Thank you. Jane did my hair and makeup."

I wish Jane would change her mind and go home. I have the urge to drive back to the park to make out with Bella until the sun dips over the horizon, and if she'd let me, even longer than that.

"She did a really good job," I say.

"Bella argued with me saying she didn't want to play dress up, but she's so plain. If she wants to look girly..."

"Stop!" Bella says.

"She's perfect!" I shoot Jane a shitty look. "She doesn't need all this for her beauty to shine."

"I just meant..."

"Don't," Bella says. "Being pretty comes naturally for you. I'm working on feeling comfortable in my own skin, okay?"

"Sorry. Really, I am. I think I'll just leave you two to your date. I kinda have a headache anyway." Jane turns back toward Bella's house.

"Jane, you can come," Bella says.

"No, I'm fine. Have fun, you guys."

I open the truck door for Bella and wait until she's buckled in before closing the door. I don't say it out loud, but I am glad Jane bailed even though I'm not sure why things got so tense between the two.

We get our ice cream to-go and start driving. I head to the one place I think of as our place, the park. We've had a lot of fun here this summer. The sun is dipping and the people at the park are dispersing. Our cones are halfway eaten as we make our second lap around the bike path that surrounds the perimeter. I'm holding Bella's sandals and her arm is linked through mine. It's quiet and comfortable. We haven't been together since Friday, but there's no awkwardness, just two people enjoying ice cream and the pretty scenery.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah."

"Why'd you stop kissing me the other night?"

"I don't know."

"You didn't like it?"

I stop walking, and she turns to me, waiting for me to respond. "Yeah, I liked it."

"Then why'd you stop?"

"I was trying to be respectful."

"Hmm. That's noble."

"Did you like it?"

Her cheeks turn a shade of pink I've never seen on her before, and she looks into my eyes. "It was my first kiss," she whispers.

I swallow down that lump again. Maybe Emmett and Jasper know she's a virgin and wanted me to be the one to deflower her— _assholes._ I know one hundred percent that's not going to happen. I like Bella, really like her, and unless Bella and I are committed, I'm not going down that road.

"I liked it, Edward, very much so."

Over the weekend I had time to realize how carefree and real I am around Bella. She has done something to my psyche, mellowing me out, making me see how much fun simple things like parks and ice cream and silly races can be.

I step closer, Vans to toes. "May I kiss you again?"

Bella nods. The bit of ice cream cone she has left falls from her hand.

Her sandals drop from my grip. Our lips touch, this time with absolute purpose. Our bodies are flush; her curves meld to my muscle. Her kiss is ice cream sweet and full of promise. I can't get enough, and she moans when I tilt my head and seek more. I want her so bad. The old me would have had her dress pulled up in minutes and my dick shoved inside her shortly after. The new me wants to take my time and learn her queues, breathe her in, and savor her body in my arms.

"Let's get outta here," I whisper against her lips.

"Kay."

We're back in my truck. This time, she's next to me with her hand on my thigh, and I have my arm around her shoulders. We drive until we're in La Push. I back into a parking spot, so the truck bed is facing the water, and I get out to spread a blanket for us. It's gorgeous up ahead but not as pretty as the girl I'm helping into the back of my truck. The waves crash against the shoreline, muffling the soft music on my stereo.

I'm sitting against the cab of the truck and Bella curls next to me. I lean in for another kiss. I coax her to straddle my lap and her dress exposes her thigh. Our kiss escalates. My hand travels the length of her leg to her underwear, her hand stops my pursuit. She kisses harder and more passionately.

My hands smooth over her back and hers roam my chest, then they're in my hair, driving me crazy. I'm dizzy with want yet focused on the girl I thought I'd never have eyes for. We makeout hot and heavy until we're rushing to make curfew. Bella's head leans to my shoulder and our hands are laced together as the wind blows through the truck windows on highway 110.

I kiss her once more on my driveway and promise to meet up tomorrow. She smiles and I watch her walk home—as usual.

After I'm laying in bed, I pull out my phone. The first text is to Bella.

 **Thank you for tonight. It was perfect.**

 _ **You're perfect.**_

 **Goodnight, Bella.**

 _ **Night :)**_

The second text is a group text to Emmett and Jasper.

 **A/N:**

 **I'm posting two more chapters today.**

 **I love feedback, so hit me up.**

 **Heart eyes for T for being at my beck and call. Thanks, Twink!**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	6. Chapter 6

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 6**

 **Pay up, bitches.**

 _ **What? No way! -Emmett**_

 _ **No shit? -Jasper**_

 _ **We need blow by blow...no pun intended. -Emmett**_

 **I fucked Bella.**

My gut churns at those words after the most perfect night I had with Bella.

 _ **And who sucked whose dick? LOL LOL LOL -Jasper**_

 **Don't be stupid.**

 _ **Well, inquiring minds need to know. -Emmett**_

 **I took her to La Push. We fucked in the back of the truck.**

 _ **Then who took it in the ass? -Jasper**_

 **What? Are you stupid?**

 _ **You're a liar then. You didn't fuck her. You know you didn't. And you don't get the cash. -Emmett**_

 _ **Bella is Ben, douchebag. -Jasper**_

 **Huh? What the fuck are you talking about?**

 _ **Bella was born with a dick, dude. We used to be good friends when we were little, but when he showed up in middle school, he was sporting long hair, wearing dresses, and calling himself Bella. Lol -Emmett**_

 **No.** My heart sinks to the pit of my bile-filled stomach. There's no way.

 _ **Yes! -Jasper**_

 _ **Yup! -Emmett**_

 **Why did you guys do this?**

 _ **Cause you're an asshole, asshole! -Emmett**_

I don't respond. I guess I do deserve the name calling, but if what they're saying is true, I'm going to be the laughing stock of Forks.

I send a text to Bella, or Ben. Whoever the fuck she is.

 **Are you awake?**

 _ **Barely.**_

 **We need to talk.**

 _ **Is everything okay?**_

 **I don't know. Meet me in my driveway.**

 _ **Okay. Just a second.**_

I slip out the back door, careful not to wake my parents. Bella's already standing by my truck in a long night shirt and fuzzy slippers.

"You okay? Bella reaches for my hand, but I shove them deep into the pockets of my shorts. "What's wrong?" The worry on her face is killing me but the doubt in my head is fucking torture.

I stand there staring at her. Scanning her from head to toe, looking for any telltale masculine characteristics. I see round boobs and nipples showing underneath her t-shirt. She's washed her makeup off and looks the same as she has every day we've hung out.

"Edward? Are you okay? You're scaring me."

"I...I don't even know..."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I need some answers."

"Oookay." She crosses her arms over her chest, and her night shirt rides up, but not enough for me to see if she's packing boy parts.

"I'm going to tell you something first. I'm not proud of this...not one little bit, but I didn't know you when I agreed, okay?"

"Agreed to what?"

"I, um, I'm not a nice person."

Bella exhales a raggedy breath. "Yes, you are." She reaches for me, but I take a step backward.

"No!" I yell, and Bella flinches. My head is so fucked up right now, and I'm trying to keep my shit together. "I agreed to something."

"Okay?" Worry lines mar her face.

I take a moment before continuing, wording and rewording in my head what I'm about to say to Bella. I've decided no matter how I sugarcoat what I did, it's going to come out of my mouth like a freight train derailing, so I let the motherfucker derail. "A dare with Emmett and Jasper...involving you."

"Oh, God." She covers her face with her hands.

"It was the last day of school at Royce's. We were drunk and playing truth or dare."

"Let me guess. You're pretending to like me."

"No! I do like you. That's the problem."

"Then what's the big deal?" Her eyes are glistening in the moonlight.

"They offered me money to fuck you."

Bella gasps.

"Yeah. The only problem is I fell for you." I grab at my hair holding on for dear life. "I didn't want to go through with the dare after I got to know you."

"Is this some kind of sick joke?" Tears pool in her eyes.

"At first, yes." I let go of my hair and press my back against my truck, letting the top ridge of the tailgate dig painfully into my shoulder blades.

Bella's voice quivers. "I thought you were different."

I shake my head. "I told you I'm not a nice person."

"I believe you, now," she whispers as tears make tracks down her cheeks. "I've heard enough."

"No." I watch Bella as she cries. It breaks my heart but I have to have some answers. "About mid-summer, I decided I wasn't going to follow through with the dare because I really like you as a person. We were having fun, more fun than I've had since I moved to this shithole. I decided to fuck Emmett and Jasper over instead. I was going to take their money and buy that guitar I showed you in Port Angeles. But…"

"But...but what, Edward? At some point I was worth less than a dumb guitar?"

I want to wipe the tears from her face and hold her in my arms, but I'm so unsure of everything right now. I have to find out the truth.

"Tonight, we had a good time together. Really good." I scrunch my eyes closed, my mind seeing images of Bella on my lap, my arm around her and my fingers in her hair, kissing. It was good, so, so good. "I wanted to be out from under the dare, so we could move forward, so I sent the guys a text and said I fucked you."

"No." Her voice cracks. "Why?"

"I told you. I was going to fuck them over because I like you, Bella." I pause, not knowing how to start the next part of the conversation before deciding to just blurt it out. "Or…is it Ben?"

She gasps again and her hand flies to her chest, gripping her t-shirt. "I fi...fig...figured you knew."

"Why would you figure that?" My palms are in the air. Anger sparks inside me like a flash of lightning. "Like I should know you have a dick?"

"You're a fu...fucking asshole...just...just like Emmett and Jasper." Her sobs cut the still night, and she falls to her knees, trying to suck in air. "I...I figured they...they told you. They...they've nev...never been any...anything but...but cruel to me, Edward."

I bite my bottom lip at her words until the metallic taste of blood stops me. I don't know which direction to go. I'm mad as hell at the guys for tricking me and madder they've been mean to Bella...or Ben. But, I'm furious the girl I fell for didn't even give me a hint of her previous life. Shit!

"Don't you think that's probably something you should have made sure I knew?"

"See...see this?" Bella brushes her hair from her forehead. "This." She points to the scar above her eye. "This is...is from being punched in...in the face by Jasper! Because—" she pauses "—I'm different."

"What the fuck?" My blood boils as she reveals the reason she has the scar. The scar I noticed when we were having fun at the park after our swing set race.

Bella closes her eyes, inhaling through her nose then releasing the breath from her mouth. She repeats this several times until she can speak. The words come out strangled and slow.

"I guess he's homophobic or something of that nature."

"So, it's true?"

"Yes, Edward. It's true. It hasn't been a secret in this town for a very long time. I was born a boy. But I never once felt like a boy. I'm Bella. I've always been Bella." Tears return, following the same paths as before. "But I suppose you have a problem with that. I should have known you'd be no different"

"You...you should have told me." I'm pacing back and forth from my truck to the grass.

"Like you should have told me you were only hanging out with me to win money for fucking me? Well, here, let me help you get your money." Bella pulls down her underwear. Her shirt still covers her private area. She turns around, grabbing the bed of the truck and leans forward. "Fuck me."

"Bella, no! It's not like that."

She turns around, pulling her underwear back up, her chest heaving as she tries to speak. "I...I haven't had the surgery, yet. If that's what you need to know."

"Oh, my God." I tip my head to the starless night, tears flowing without my consent. "Why did I have to fall for a fucking guy?"

"You fell for me.." Bella wipes her tears. She whispers into the night like the stars are her confidants, "I'm not a guy."

I stand there and watch her walk home. This time she gets to her porch before she turns and looks at me.

"You should take your own advice—" she pauses "—I remember not too long ago you telling me not to be judgemental. You said, 'You gotta give them all a chance. Even though they're different, they're the same.'"

"We were talking about potatoes, Bella, french fries. Not…" I motion toward my shorts.

"I may be cut differently—just like french fries—but, I'm still the same Bella."

"Not the Bella I thought I knew."

"Hypocrite."

Bella runs up the steps. I watch her as usual, then she disappears inside her house.

 ***T***

I stand on the driveway for minutes looking at nothing but thinking about everything. My mind is a frenzy of thoughts, some crazy while others are crazier. Is Bella really a boy? Are Jasper, Emmett and Bella in on some sick joke, plotting against me? Am I living in the Twilight Zone or am I living a reality that won't turn out as I had planned a couple of weeks ago? I turn on my heels and run home—faster than I've ever moved around a baseball diamond. I'm in my room and on my computer quicker than shit. I need legit answers. I'm questioning my sexuality at the moment and feel the ice cream curdle in my gut.

"Come on, mofo." The computer is slow. I'm impatient, so I grab my phone instead.

I know what transgender is, but I need Google to tell me I'm not gay if I've fallen in love with one. I don't feel gay; I don't like dudes—well, if you don't consider Bella a dude. She's got tits but I guess a dick, too, so I'm confused as hell and need to know I'm on the right side of the sexuality fence.

There's article after article, and to be honest, I'm a chicken shit to read any of them. I mutter to myself questioning whether any of the words written on the internet will pertain to my situation anyway.

"I'm not gay. I'm not gay. Please say I'm not gay." I exit out of a blog as quick as I had opened it, before even reading the first sentence. I'm acting like a pussy, I know, but what if it says I'm gay? Wouldn't I know something of this magnitude after seventeen years of being me?

I move to my bed and fall back to my pillow wishing it would swallow me up into a black hole. I lay the phone down and focus on something I know needs to happen—something I do have control over—beating the shit out of Jasper for ever laying a hand on Bella. He will regret touching someone so innocent and leaving a scar. A scar that'll always remind her of how being different can make people hate. The scenarios play out like a movie and each punch I throw and each word I yell in my head feels all too real. My heart pumps furiously, ready to deliver some justice to that fucking piss ant across the street; however, it's three a.m., so I'll have to deal with him tomorrow.

My phone buzzes.

 _ **What's going on up there? Mom**_

 **Nothing.**

 _ **It sounds like thumping. Mom**_

 **Sorry. Goodnight.**

I sit up on my bed and decide finding out if I'm gay or not takes priority over sleep. Not that I could sleep with the shit storm going on in my head anyways, so I open up Google and continue my search.

"Okay. This one," I whisper. _Am I Gay If I Fall In Love With a (MTF) Male to Female Transgender?_ "Oh, God."

I'm terrified and my hands are sweating like I've dipped them in a bucket of water. I bite the bullet and read it anyway.

 _A straight-identified teen wonders if having an MTF (male to female transgender) partner means that he is gay. Figuring out your sexual orientation is complicated for a lot of people, but for someone with a transgender partner, this can raise even more questions._

"Fucking understatement of the year," I say out loud.

I read on with a pounding in my chest, recognizing I could get a reality check I might not want to face.

 _The answer is probably not. Here's the thing, sexual orientation tends to line up with the gender of the person that you are attracted to, not with their biological sex. So, if you identify as straight and are attracted to women, dating someone who is MTF doesn't mean that you are gay._

"YES!" I punch the bed in joyous celebration.

My phone buzzes.

 _ **I heard it again. It's a pounding sound coming from your room. Mom**_

 **Sorry. I dropped my phone on the floor.** So lame.

 _ **It's late, go to bed. Mom**_

 **Goodnight.** Like I can sleep. I just found out I'm not gay.

I close Google and lay back down. I want to text Bella, but I can't. I'm not sure how I feel about hanging out with her like we have been. I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with her still having a dick even though I believe she's a woman in every other sense. And quite frankly, Bella may hate me now, anyway. I'm just as confused as I was before speaking to her but madder than hell at Jasper and Emmett for punking me the way they did.

Tomorrow will be a day of reckoning. Both those assholes better watch out for me because what's coming isn't going to be pretty.

 **A/N:**

 **This story is so different than what I usually write. I think that's why I am excited about where it's going. This is completely out of my comfort zone.**

 **I hope you're all hanging on.**

 **Thank you, T, for holding my hand and talking me through the difficult parts of this story.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	7. Chapter 7

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 7**

Sleep doesn't happen, so I take a drive to clear my head, and I end up at the park. I grab my baseball and get out of the cab of my truck, making my way to the swing set. It's dawn and the birds are just starting to chirp, and it doesn't take long for the memory to take hold: the image of Bella swinging so high, saying she wasn't scared sears my mind. That was a good day, the day I started realizing there was more than just a dare I was interested in. But things are different now, and it happened in a blink of an eye. With the lie I was living and with the secret she was keeping from me, things could never be the same as they were. In all honesty, I admire Bella for coming out while living in this god-forsaken town. It shows how thick her skin really is. I feel bad for her, yet a big piece of me is pissed off. She should have at least told me she was once Ben. If I had only lived here back then I'd have known that bit of information, and I wouldn't be looking like a fool right now. Emmett and Jasper are probably still laughing their asses off at me.

I squeeze the baseball in my hand so hard the laces leave indentions in my skin. Back home, when I was on the pitcher's mound, throwing pitches and striking out players, it was the most calm I'd ever been. I knew I had every pitch under control and each ball would sail precisely over the plate into the catcher's mitt. Right now, I need some of that calm and confidence to handle this situation with Bella. The way we left things last night was bad, really bad, but I don't know what to do from here.

Loud voices redirect my attention. I see someone jogging and a person on a bike next to him. As they get closer to the park I can't believe my eyes. It's Emmett on his daily run with his little bitch-sidekick, Jasper, peddling away—it's my lucky day. I stand up from the swing, rocking back and forth on my feet. Whatever comes over me is best described as instinct. They don't see me, and I want to keep it that way for now. I have the baseball pinched between my fingers in a four-seam grip waiting on the perfect opportunity to confront these fuckers. When they are about sixty feet away, I wind up like it's the World Series, ready to settle a score. I throw a fastball—it's at least a 90 mile per hour ball.

My aim is spot on, as usual, hitting exactly where I had planned—the spokes on Jasper's bike. I watch the crash as if it's in slow motion, an action packed movie I'm directing. Jasper hits the pavement, and his ten speed falls over as he rolls—his hands scraping over the road until he comes to a stop.

Emmett laughs. "What the hell?" He's oblivious as to why Jasper is really on the road in pain. Neither one of them the saw the ball coming. He stands there jogging in place. Jasper isn't making any move to get up.

I run to my truck and start it up. My adrenaline is in overdrive. I want to put my fist in Jasper's face and show Emmett I'm tougher than his dumb, football-playing ass for giving me such a fucked up dare. Instead, I pull up next to the bike crash.

"Looks like you're hurting there, bro."

Jasper is on the verge of crying. "I don't know what happened."

Emmett is still jogging in place, not making a move to help his friend. _Who needs friends like that?_

I look Jasper square in the eyes. "Karma's a painful little bitch, huh?"

"What'd you do?" Jasper is confused.

Maybe he hit his head when he fell. I don't know and I don't really care either. "I was over by the swings and lost control over one of my baseballs. It must have hit your tire...oops."

Emmett finally pays attention to what's going on in front of him. "You're such an asshole."

"Yep."

"Let's see how cocky you are when everyone in this town finds out you sucked dick. And liked it."

I throw my truck in park and shove open the door with so much force it swings back. I don't let that stop me at all. I'm in Emmett's face in no time. He starts to back up but then bows up, coming back until we are toe to toe and nose to nose.

Without thinking, I bring my left fist around and connect with Emmett's head. He stumbles and almost falls over Jasper, who is still laying in the middle of the road.

My voice is loud and menacing. "You have another thing coming if you think you can fuck with me." I'm ready with my fists up for hit number two, but Emmett doesn't advance. He's standing there heaving, fist clenched like he's thinking of his next move.

Jasper starts to get up. "Em, don't. Just leave him alone. He's a bomb waiting to explode."

"I'll show him an explosion." Emmett takes a few steps forward.

I motion with my hands to my face. "Do it, Pussy."

Emmett takes a swing and I duck. I rise up and surprise with him with a right hook to his jaw and a hard shove to his chest. He stumbles back again, this time falling down next to Jasper.

"Don't you ever mess with me again." I'm pointing in their direction. "And you sure as hell better leave Bella alone. Don't look at her. Don't talk to her. Don't fuck with her at all." I walk over to where the guys lay. "Do you hear me?"

Emmett and Jasper don't move, their eyes are wide; they look terrified. They don't answer, and I don't stick around making sure they understand.

I jump back im my truck and peel off, leaving them in a cloud of burnt rubber fumes.

 ***T***

I send a text to Bella.

 **I want you to know I kicked Jasper's ass today. I hope he hurts as much as you did when he punched you. And Emmett got a piece of me too.**

 _ **He didn't hurt me as bad as you did.**_

 **I'm sorry, but I'm not strong enough to handle all of this.**

Maybe in another life or if I wasn't seventeen.

I look at my phone and notice she's typing back. I wait for the reply, but it never comes. After a while, I slam my phone on the seat next to me and crank my music.

I can't go home; the thought of seeing Bella hurts too much. No matter how much I care about her, I can't be with her. I may be a coward, but my head and heart aren't on the same page right now—hell, they aren't even on the same planet.

After a call to my mom and some bullshit story, she gives me permission to go stay with my uncle in Seattle. I guide my truck down the highway with the windows wide open and my heart shut tight, glancing in the rearview, wondering what might have been.

 **A/N:**

 **This is where my contest entry ended, however, new chapters are coming. They will be short but powerfully packed with goodness (or badness), and will post on Tuesdays and Thursdays. As I see it I have about two months of chapters to post and possibly more. I hope to see you all back and ready to read about these broken hearted teens.**

 **Thank you, EnchantedbyTwilight for the love and encouragement you showed me as I wrote this contest piece. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.**

 **Thank you to my readers for the support and love you continue to throw my way.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:**

 **Hi, Everyone! Thank you for joining me and reading the newest chapter of Tantamount. I hope you're ready for one hell of a ride.**

 **Reviews equal love and I'm a hopeless romantic—just sayin'.**

 **Thank you to my beta EnchantedbyTwilight. You're awesome, just like my morning coffee. xo**

 **And, please welcome my pre-reader, Midnight Cougar. I'm so happy to have her onboard from here forward. Do you even know how hard it was to keep my entry from her? She was doing Judgy things for the contest, so I had to keep this entry a major secret. Just like the theme of this contest;)**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**

 **Tantamount**

 **Chapter 8**

I arrive in Seattle mid-afternoon. I text Mom when I get to Uncle Marcus and Aunt Irina's house, letting her know I'm okay. I'm far from okay, though. The drive gives me a chance to think about everything that has happened this summer. Most of it has been great with Bella—up until last night. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from this fucked up dream and my buddies and I will have a good laugh about it. However, it's more real than anything I've ever dealt with in my entire life. And something I'll never tell my best friends. Baseball got real during playoffs last summer, but that pales in comparison to finding out the person I fell for over the summer was at one point a guy. That's the most real shit I've ever been through. I'm no closer to figuring things out than I was when I left Forks, and from what I know about Emmett and Jasper, I bet I'm already the laughing stock of the town.

I need time away, like a lot of time away, and Seattle is the only place familiar enough where I can be myself. Little does Mom know, I'm not going back in a week—or ever for that matter. I have to figure out a way to make that happen. Uncle Marcus, my mom's brother, had offered for me to live with him and my aunt when Mom had announced we were moving, so I could still attend my same high school, but Mom wouldn't have any of that nonsense. I had begged for weeks for her to reconsider, but the answer had still been no. This time, though, I'm going to use more ammunition if she's a hardass about it. I'm going to threaten to move to Chicago with my dad, Anthony. Dad moved there a few years back after he and Mom divorced. We have drifted apart these last couple of years from his lack of visitation and calls. He found himself a hot little girlfriend, ten years younger, so I guess that explains why I've been put on the backburner. I'm pretty much out of sight, out of mind. I'm willing to overlook all that now, though, since I may need a place to stay. I'll have to give him a call, warm him up first, then drop the bomb on him if Mom throws a fit.

I pull into the driveway of the familiar red brick, two-story. Mature trees, lush green grass, and a huge ass flower bed line the front of the house. Uncle Marcus is outside watering, which I always find funny. Aunt Irina has a knack for killing anything remotely green but insists they plant every flower under the sun. Uncle Marcus doesn't mind, though; it helps him relax from his stressful job as a doctor. That's how Mom met Carlisle.

"Hey, there, Edward." Uncle Marcus puts down the hose and meets me halfway in the yard, giving me a bear hug.

"Hey." I pat his back and hope he releases so I can catch a breath. He's built for a forty-five-year-old.

"Long time no see. You haven't been back here much this summer."

"Nope. My friends were busy so…"

"Oh. I get ya. Your ole aunt and I aren't good enough to come visit?" He chuckles.

I shake my head smiling. It's the first time in over twenty-four hours I've had a smile on my face. "Not at all. It's just…"

Aunt Irina interrupts my excuse-giving. "Edward!" She runs toward me and wraps me in a hug. "I've missed you." She holds onto my shoulders and pushes me back, arm's length. "You look different. What's wrong? Or what's right?" One eyebrow raises as she scans my face. "There's definitely something wrong."

"No...I'm just…"

"Come inside. I'll get you a snack before dinner—" she takes my hand and leads me toward the front door "—and we can talk."

"Sorry, buddy," Uncle Marcus says with a grin. "You know you're gonna spill the beans about whatever it is in no time...mark my words."

"Hush, Marky," Aunt Irina scolds my uncle.

It's not the first and I'm sure it's not the last. But, I'm not divulging anything regarding Bella.

Aunt Irina ushers me to the table in the kitchen, she pulls out tortillas and cheese from the fridge, then sets a cast iron skillet on the stove. "Quesadilla?"

"Sure."

"You've always loved these. I keep flour shells on hand in case you decide to come back and visit."

I nod. Aunt Irina is amazing. She loves me like a son since she and my uncle never had kids. She would always cheer the loudest at my baseball games, to the point of my uncle shushing her. She's my biggest fan, next to Mom.

"Thanks."

"You seem different."

"I just got here, Auntie."

"I know, but there's something off about you and I can't put my finger on it."

"I'm good." I lie because how do I tell her, or anyone for that matter, that I fell in love over the summer for a girl who sports a dick? There's a singe in my chest every time I think of Bella. It's weird, too. I never had that with Tanya and we used to fuck, but with Bella, my heart hurts when I think of what we could have had.

She sets a perfectly toasted quesadilla in front of me.

"Salsa? Sour cream?"

"Both, please."

She retrieves the condiments then takes a seat across from me. "You know, Eddie—" she's the only one besides my mom who would ever get away with calling me that nickname "—you can tell me anything. I mean, if there _is_ something wrong. Whatever you say is safe with me."

"I'm fine."

Her eyes bore straight through me, which has me fidgeting in my seat.

"Okay, Eddie."

"Thanks for letting me stay with you guys."

"Our home is yours. You know that."

"I know." I drag a triangle through some salsa. "Um, if I wanted to stay longer than a week, would it be okay with you?"

She eyes me with scrutiny. "Of course. As long as it's okay with your mom, we'd love to have you."

"I'll deal with Mom later." I shove the entire triangle in my mouth, so I don't have to elaborate.

"Hmm. Sounds like there's definitely an issue at hand."

I shrug.

"You know I don't like secrets."

I understand now why secrets suck so hard. "Yeah."

 ***T***

I put my things upstairs in the spare bedroom and pull out my phone. I haven't checked it at all today. Part of me wants to see a text from Bella. I miss her, but I'm also pissed off at her. The other part doesn't want to have to deal with any more heavy shit for the rest of my life and wants to forget about her.

There are several messages from Seth and Garrett wanting to hang out soon. They're surprised when I text back telling them I'm already in town. We agree to meet up tonight. First, though, I need to have dinner with my aunt and uncle and try to avoid any talk of exactly why I'm in Seattle in the first place.

"How's your steak?" Auntie asks.

"Great." We're outside on the deck having dinner.

"How's your summer been?" Uncle Marcus asks.

"It's been okay." I take a huge bite of my dinner, hoping not to answer any more questions.

"Are you excited about school starting?" he asks. "It's senior year, and then you'll be off to college."

"I'd rather play baseball and skip school."

Uncle Marcus laughs. "That'd be great if you were drafted into the majors making the big bucks."

"I could do it." I need to stop being so cocky. Cocky is what got me into the mess with Bella.

"Edward, you didn't even play this season," Auntie says.

"Maybe I could play here—my senior year."

Auntie gasps. "Oh my gosh! I'd love that."

"Hold up," Uncle Marcus says. "You know your mother isn't going to let that happen."

"I'd really love to play." I play on their sympathy. "Maybe she'd agree if you talked her into it, Uncle Marcus."

He eyes me. He's not a stupid man. He knows something is going on with me, but he won't dig deeper with Auntie sitting right here.

"Sure. I can mention something to her. First, though, you and I need a man-to-man chat."

I nod. Uncle Marcus has been a father figure for me, especially since my dad went all MIA after the divorce. Carlisle and I aren't close either. I respect the man, and he's nice to me, but I don't look at him as my father.

"Okay, but, I'm meeting the guys in a few, so can we do that later?"

"Of course. I'm working all day tomorrow, but we'll have that talk soon."

I look across the table at Auntie who's trying not to look too excited about the possibility of me living here again—with them.

"Thanks for dinner, Auntie."

"You're very welcome." She smiles. "I'm sure I don't have to remind you, but in case you forgot, curfew is midnight. Be safe and smart."

Right now I want to drown my sorrows in a bottle of Tennessee Fire, so I'm pretty sure I've crossed safe, as well as smart, off that list.

"I will."

 ***T***

"Dude! Long time no see." Garrett and I go in for a bro hug. We're at his house hanging out since his parents aren't home.

"It's been awhile for sure," I say.

"Thought maybe you'd bring that cute little number you Snapchatted the other day," Seth says, giving me a fist bump.

"Nah, last minute trip here."

A few weeks ago Bella and I took a couple of selfies at the park. I Snapped the one of us eating our ice cream cones and added it to my story. Her cheek was pressed next to mine and her sun-kissed nose was scrunched up from smiling so big. That was a huge step for me, Snapchatting for my friends to see, and it made Bella really happy, too. That day was one of the days she went to Port Angeles for a doctor's appointment. She wasn't sick, so I didn't question why because it was none of my business. It dawns on me that maybe it could be part of her transition to becoming a woman.

How could I've been so stupid not to notice anything under the surface?

"Are you two dating?" Garrett asks.

"Hell no. You know I'm the ladies' man."

Responding to his question feels like acid as it leaves my mouth. I was fully ready to be exclusive with Bella until the whole dick thing got in the way—hers, not mine.

"True that, bro," Seth says.

I take a seat on the sectional in front of the big screen. I don't even know what's on TV and I don't care. I unscrew the top off the high-dollar whiskey I lifted from Uncle Marcus's house and kick up my feet; It's good but it's not Tennessee Fire.

I drink straight from the bottle, and I wince each time I swallow—at the burn and at each fucking memory of Bella I'm trying to wash away.

 ***T***

 **Thank you!**

 **OhGee**


	9. Chapter 9

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 9**

I don't think I've ever been hungover on whiskey before, but it sucks. Rolling over, I eye the clock and see it's already afternoon. I'm still in my shorts and shirt from last night. My hair is a wild mess and my mouth is dry as fuck. I vaguely remember getting home last night, but my friends had my back. Seth drove my truck with my sorry ass passed out in the passenger side while Garrett followed in his car. I do remember that much, and arguing with my buddies that I was okay to drive. Luckily, though, they didn't listen to me. Seth had stuck his hand in my front pocket and snagged my keys before I could do anything stupid.

I grab a shower and head downstairs for food with my toothbrush in my mouth and a towel wrapped around my waist. I need something greasy in my stomach, ASAP. Auntie insists on everyone starting the day healthy with granola and some bullshit, so it's doubtful I'll find anything other than fruit leather and yogurt to stop this nauseous feeling in my gut.

"Well, well, well," Auntie says, raising an eyebrow at me. "You must have been tired."

"Yeah." I don't feel much like talking, but it's probably unavoidable.

Auntie is moving around the kitchen at warp speed, or at least it seems that way. My head is spinning, and my stomach is churning. I pull open the fridge, bracing myself with the handle, looking for anything remotely unhealthy.

"Here." She pulls a couple things out of the warmer and sets them on the table. "Burritos from El Gordo."

Thank God _._ I spit out my toothpaste in the sink and take a seat at the table, afraid to look her in the eye. "Thanks."

"I figured you'd need something to nurse that hangover."

 _The fuck?_ The last thing I need is her calling Mom and telling her I'm drinking. Mom would hit the roof and insist I get my ass home. I peel back the foil on one of the burritos and take a huge bite. I'm cautious as I look her way. Our eyes meet, and she takes a seat across from me.

"Okay, Eddie, spill."

My eyes widen, and I swallow down what's in my mouth. "Um."

Her manicured fingernails tap on the oak table. Her hair is in a ponytail, and she has her tennis outfit on. I'm not sure if she's coming or going—hopefully, the latter.

"I kinda borrowed Uncle Marcus's whiskey."

She blinks a few times looking surprised. "Oh, the good stuff?"

I nod. "Sorry."

She sighs. "That's not what I was expecting you to say. Although, given the state you were in when you got home last night, it makes sense."

"Oh." _How the hell does she know?_

"I saw the boys bring you home. I let them in, and they helped me get you up to your room."

I set my burrito on the plate, waiting for a lecture. And I'm cursing out Garrett and Seth in my head for not warning me.

"Something is wrong. I know it. You show up here at the end of the summer, asking to stay with us permanently." She's studying my eyes, which are probably bloodshot as hell. "You know I'm here for you, but you need to be honest." She pauses, biting her lip, looking all kinds of confused. "What happened in Forks that has you running back to Seattle?"

All I can muster is a shoulder shrug.

"Is it Carlisle?" Auntie slaps both palms on the table, and the pitch in her voice raises. "Has he been mean to you?"

"No, no."

She's fired up. I put my hands over the top of hers to soothe her fears.

Auntie lets out a long sigh. "Thank, God. I'd have to kill a man."

She's teasing—I hope. She loves me to no end. I feel bad for being so closed up, not sharing what's going on about why I left home, but I'm not divulging anything about Bella.

I let go of her hands and pick up my burrito. Maybe if I keep my mouth full, the questions will stop. "I-I just miss Seattle." It's true. I'm not lying, so technically, I shouldn't feel too bad. I sink my teeth into my food.

"Okay, Eddie. When you're ready to talk, I'm here." She scoots her chair out from the table and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "I'm late to tennis. Dinner's at seven."

"Okay. Have fun," I say around a mouthful.

Auntie stops before she gets to the garage door. "By the way. You might want to cover up that hickey on your neck. My concealer is on my vanity."

"Fuck," I whisper. The door shuts, and she's gone.

I leave the remainder of my food and bolt upstairs to look in the bathroom mirror. _Well, I'll be goddamned._ I could have sworn Tanya wasn't speaking to me when she and her friends stopped by Garrett's last night, or maybe talking wasn't a priority.

I crawl back into bed, wishing I were in Forks and my day was starting like it had with Bella. I want to be at the park with her, taking goofy photos and sending late night texts. I want my life back before it got so complicated. I fucking miss the Bella I thought I was falling for.

I roll over and bury my head under a pillow. Sleep may not cure what's hurting me, but as long as I'm unconscious, I don't have to endure a heart that won't listen to reason.

 **A/N:**

 ***runs and hides***

 **Thank you for reading and reviewing.**

 **Hugs and kisses to my pre-reader and beta. xoxoxoxo**

 **OhGee**


	10. Chapter 10

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 10**

I've been in Seattle a few days and miss Forks as much as I hate it, which means I'm torn up inside. I die every fucking time when I think about how things were left.

Bella's window had become a source of entertainment for me—I'd come to learn her routine. Sometimes her silhouette would dance around her room, other times she'd peer out and catch me looking. I'd shrug and wave to her and act like I was admiring my truck or something dumb like that. So now, instead of looking through a window, I'm looking down at my iPhone screen at our last text, wishing for a message to come through. Maybe that would break the ice. Maybe she'd beg me—for what I don't know. Or better yet, tell me the joke's on me, and she's really all female. But she's been silent—uncomfortably silent. I guess I don't blame her for that, but I want to hear her voice or read what she has to say, even if it pisses me off more. I need to know she ever cared or still cares about what was going on between us before the whole 'reveal thing' blindsided me.

God, I hate that I still want her, that I still wait for her. How can I not be gay? I know she has a dick, and yet, I want her anyway. That can't be normal. Why is life so fucking confusing?

 ***T***

Garrett's pool is already full of my rowdy friends, celebrating the last days of summer when I arrive at his house. I grab a beer from the cooler by the gate and pop the top, alerting the guys of my presence.

"Hey," they all say in unison as I take off my shirt and sit in the lounger. They're having fun playing basketball in the pool, dunking the ball and each other. I think about leaving, but my sorry ass has nothing else better to do than hang out here. When I'm alone, I think too much about the only topic I can't seem to banish from my brain: Bella.

"Party tonight," Garrett says, "at Jessica's house. Her parents are in the Bahamas."

"Hell, yes," Mike says. "I'm gonna tap dat ass."

"She doesn't like you, dude," Seth says, and the guys laugh.

"I bet you I can get in her pants." Mike looks determined to prove he's _the man_ for his friends.

My stomach churns, and I feel like vomiting. He sounds just like me when I told Emmett and Jasper I could fuck that redhead at Royce's party at the beginning of the summer.

"Dude. Maybe she just isn't into you. Leave it alone. You don't have to prove a thing to us. We don't really give a fuck." I take a gulp from my beer.

Mike looks at me as if I have two heads. "Who asked you?"

"Okay, do what you want." I wish so hard that what happened to me would happen to Mike and he'd learn the lesson I did with Bella. I guess I can only hope Jess is really John. I huff out a laugh at my absurd thought. Why the fuck do I even care?

 ***T***

I'm getting ready for the party when there's a knock on my bedroom door.

"Hey, Edward?" Uncle Marcus says. "Why don't we have that talk?"

I dread opening the door. I'm not telling him why I'm here in Seattle. I can't. "Come in."

"Big plans tonight?"

"Not really, just hanging out with the guys again."

"Well, hey, I wanted to let you know I'm not buying that excuse that you're here because you miss us or your friends. You seem...off. Auntie and I can't put our fingers on what's going on, but if there's a problem, I think we should know about it. We'd like to help you."

I shake my head. "I'm fine, really. I...I just don't like it in Forks. I'd like to graduate with all my friends...play baseball, too."

"That's what you said the other night."

It looks as though Uncle Marcus is trying to pick through the shit I just spewed for any truth. _There is none so don't bother._

"But there's more to this story, Edward. I've known you forever. You are my nephew, and I love you like a son. I want you to know that any problem can be solved, and I'm here for you."

I nod. "So, can you ask Mom if I can stay here with you guys?"

"I will, but it'll take an act of God for her to say yes."

"I can't go back there, Uncle Marcus."

He rubs his fingers over his chin. "That's concerning. Are you sure things are okay at home? Is Carlisle—"

"It's not Carlisle. I told Auntie. It's just…" I almost say Bella's name but stop in my tracks. No one here will ever know about her—never.

Uncle Marcus puts his hand on my shoulder. "Okay, Edward, I'll talk to her."

He leaves, and I pull my phone out of my pocket. My thumb hovers over the text app, hesitating. Finally, I pull it up and scroll down until Bella's name and the texts we exchanged appear. The words _I miss you_ are typed, but before it's sent, I erase every-fucking-word.

I send a text to Tanya instead.

 **Are you going to Jessica's?**

She's quick to respond.

 _ **Yeah. Repeat from the other night?**_

 **A/N:**

 **Please, don't hate;)**

 **I'm getting a lot of great ideas from reading your reviews, and most people seem to like this little thing I'm writing. I feel the LOVE. Thank you!**

 **I hope to see you all back here on Thursday for some more**

 **Thanks, MC and T for your pre-reading and beta skillz.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	11. Chapter 11

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 11**

Tonight, Tennessee Fire will be my best friend.

I can't continue to raid Uncle Marcus's stash, so earlier, I paid Seth's brother to buy some for me for Jessica's party.

The party house is packed—wall-to-wall people. Finding a corner, I lean against the wall and proceed to get wasted. I'm quite entertained, observing, drinking, and talking shit in my head about almost everyone who passes through or stops and hangs out in the family room—the jocks, the preps, the slutty-looking girls, the in-crowd, the out-crowd, and everyone in between.

Jessica is popular and friends with just about everyone, which is the reason the house is at full capacity. I never took the time to think about any of these people as individuals. They've been categorized since the minute they hit middle school. The more I drink, the more I dive deeper into what's possibly underneath the surface—something I should have done with Bella.

The bottom of the whiskey bottle tips up, I take a long pull, swallow, wipe my mouth on my sleeve, and give a nod to Garrett. He's mingling with some chicks but nods back.

One by one I pick out people across the room.

Rose is popular, tall, blonde, pretty, ultimate bitch. There could be trouble at home—that's the rumor anyway—so I should cut her some slack. And I know someone who's been in her pants, so she's definitely a chick.

Bree is a book nerd, skinny, nothing special look-wise—just boring. I'd never hang out with her. I don't care if she's male or female.

Tanya is a cheerleader, hot, blonde, pretty. She comes from a good family. She's also a decent fuck—definitely a female.

I take another drink, then another one, swaying a little, eyes a tad blurry, trying to focus across the room for the next person to pick apart.

James is a jock, tall, built, smart, an all-American boy. He acts better than everyone else, just like me, but he's probably forced to get straight A's by his parents, so he can go Ivy League. He's uptight, and I've seen his dick in the locker room—he's a dude.

Alice is Goth. She's short, dressed in black, has a black mohawk, black lipstick, black eyeliner—black everything. She's definitely a weirdo, probably born with a scowl. I wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole. I wouldn't be shocked if she's gay because I've never seen guys with her, only a few girls just like her.

My thoughts are interrupted by a hand on my chest and boobs pushed into my right bicep.

"I saw you staring at me from over here." Tanya's close, leaning in, so I can hear what she's saying over the music and the crowd. Her bubblegum breath washes over me, and I lick my lips.

I give a half shrug and offer her my bottle. "Drink?"

She takes the gum from her mouth, a sip of my whiskey, and then grimaces. "Ugh. That's too hot."

"You're too hot." _She does have a killer body._

She steps in front of me, arching her back, pressing her tits into my chest. Her lips are on mine before I have time to blink. I taste cinnamon, hot, juicy, good. My brain is foggy, but my dick moves in my shorts and is wide awake. I don't feel gay. This is a good thing. I like girls' lips. I like girls' tits too. I kiss her back to make sure I'm not repulsed. I open my mouth and kiss her deep and hard, grabbing her ass covered in a too-short, too-tight denim skirt with my free hand.

We part to take a breath, but her mouth stays on me, finding my neck, sucking. My head falls back, resting on the wall, my arm holding the bottle hangs slack at my side. I feel suction and a burn and _shit, a bite._

"Stop." I push her back. She sticks her lip out, pouting. "No more marks. That shit is embarrassing." I'm still using Auntie's makeup to touch up the yellowish-purple mark on the other side of my neck. "Let's get outta here. I have something else you can suck if that's what you're wanting."

Tanya's hands slide underneath my shirt; her palms glide over my stomach, and her nails lightly scratch as they make their way around to my back into a hug. "Okay," she says.

Our mouths are close. I'm not sure I want to kiss her again, but I might have to prove one more time I like girls, not guys.

"Let's go." Her hands fall from my body, and I head for the door with Tanya on my heels. My truck is around the block, near a hedgerow of trees, and it doesn't take long until I'm pulling the lever on the backend and helping her up inside. I sit with my back against the window, and she sits on her knees facing me like a goddamn puppy dog waiting for a treat. I take another pull of whiskey, unzip my pants, and let her have a taste.

My gut churns and it's not from the alcohol this time. Her mouth is warm; her head is bobbing—all the things that make teenage boys shoot their wads. But it's all fucking wrong. I clench my jaw, squeeze my eyes shut, and endure the fucking blow job.

"What's wrong? Just come." She moves to straddle me.

My bare dick brushes the skin on the inside of her thighs. I swear, her skirt barely covers her vag.

"Or do you want to make love?"

I stare at her. She shouldn't be here; it feels like she's trespassing on sacred grounds. The last time two people were in the bed of this truck, it was magical. But this feels like the black kind: no good—all fucking evil.

"Make love?"

"Yeah, like old times." Her hands are on my chest, and her hips make a slow circle.

My hand grips tighter around the whiskey bottle. "I've never made love to you." I slide her off my lap a little too hard. "You need to go."

She gasps at my bluntness. There's hurt on her face, but I really don't give two shits.

"I think you're still an asshole," she says over her shoulder. Hopping out of my truck, she pulls her thong out of her ass crack.

"You're not the only one," I mutter, tucking my junk back into my shorts, then swallow down another mouthful of whiskey.

My phone is in my hand. The next thing I know, I'm looking at a sent text.

 **Hi.**

I don't take my eyes off the screen. After what seems like an eternity, I see three little dots then nothing.

"Dude. What the fuck are you doing out here alone?" a voice calls from the darkness.

When I look up someone's walking toward me; it's Garrett.

"I wasn't alone. I had company."

He chuckles. "Oh, Tanya? She looked hella pissed walking back to the party."

"Yup."

He jumps up into the bed of the truck. He's not drinking, which is a good thing since I'm going to need him to drive me back home again.

"Edward, when are you going to stop being emo and tell me what the fuck is going on? You're not the same."

A few seconds pass before I answer. Trust is something I'm having a hard time dealing with right now, and I can't divulge anything that'll make me the laughing stock here in Seattle.

"Let's just say—" I pause "—some shit in Forks was fucked up."

 **A/N:**

 **So there's that.**

 **Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm trying to write this from a typical seventeen-year-old perspective, so don't hate the messenger.**

 **Please join me in my group, Stories by OhGeeFantasy for teasers and what not.**

 **And, thank you, Midnight Cougar and EnchantedbyTwilight, for ALL your help.**

 **(All mistakes are mine. I tweak things after they've been beta'd)**

 **BiG lOvE,**

 **OhGee**


	12. Chapter 12

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 12**

"I'm sorry, Edward," Uncle Marcus says. We're out on the deck having a late lunch. The sky is cloudy, and it looks like it's going to pour down rain at any minute. "Your mom said no."

"I'm calling my dad then."

"You can't. That'd kill her, and you know it," Auntie says.

"I can't go back to Forks." I put down my sandwich and pull out my phone. I've lost my appetite.

I scroll through my contacts for Dad's phone number as Uncle Marcus drones on about all the reasons my dad will say no to me moving in with him.

"Come on. Think about it, okay?" Uncle Marcus says. "This is completely out of left field for you to want to live with him at this point."

 _If he only knew._ I let out a sigh. He's probably right, though.

Uncle Marcus's phone rings. "Excuse me. Hospital." He gets up and heads inside to take the call.

"Eddie? Please say something. Tell me what's wrong."

I look at her, contemplating whether or not I should come clean about Bella. I haven't been able to vent to anyone out of fear they'll jump to conclusions and call me gay. Not that I have anything against people who are, but I'm not and don't want people getting the wrong impression of me. I've never felt more isolated in my entire life.

"If I tell you—"

Auntie interrupts. "Cross my heart, hope to die." She makes an X over her heart. "I swear to you it goes no further than my ears."

Our eyes meet. "Okay." I keep fiddling with a breadcrumb on the glass table, rolling and scooting it around, trying to get enough nerve to say anything at all. "I did something at the beginning of summer and—"

The back door opens, and Uncle Marcus sticks his head out. "There's an emergency at the hospital, so I gotta run. Be home as soon as I can. Love you both." The door closes before Auntie has time to respond.

"Go ahead, Eddie." She scoots her chair closer to mine. "We're alone now. Take your time."

I clear my throat. "Um, anyway, a few guys bet me to pretend to like someone."

"Like someone?"

I nod and take a deep breath. It takes everything I have to continue because I'm admitting to something I'd rather not. "Sleep with the person."

Her eyes widen. "Oh."

"Auntie, I don't think this is such a good idea." I scoot my plate out of the way.

"No, it's fine. I guess I just thought you were a—"

"I'm not a virgin."

"I hope you're safe."

"Yes, I'm safe." I shake my head.

"Please tell me you didn't get someone pregnant."

"I wish. That'd be easier to deal with," I mutter to myself, but I know she hears me.

Her brows draw together, and she lifts the wine glass to her lips. "All right, continue."

She takes a sip, and I'm about to tell her to grab the whole bottle because this story is long and complicated.

I start at the beginning. I tell Auntie how Emmett and Jasper's dare turned into a bet, and how I agreed to do it to score the cash. I tell her everything about Bella. How she's my next door neighbor; how at first I thought she was homely and a book nerd, and how I wasn't attracted to her—at all. I talk about our outings to the park with ice cream, going to the beach, and how I'd grown to enjoy being around her. I explain that at some point, I knew the dare would hurt her, and I didn't want to do that. I tell her that I didn't care about the money anymore, and I wanted to back out of the dare.

The whole time I'm talking I don't look Auntie in the face because I'm ashamed. My eyes are fixated on the tree by the deck, which is blowing in the gentle breeze. The cloud accumulation is growing thicker and darker as my story gets more fucked up.

"I decided to screw Emmett and Jasper for giving me the stupid dare in the first place." My voice is low, sullen, the blood boiling under my skin through my veins like thick, hot lava. "Little by little, I fell for Bella. She was more than just a friend."

Jagged flickers of light flash across the darkening sky. Thunder rolls in and booms as my emotions get the best of me. Auntie doesn't move. She's watching and listening intently. A few fine raindrops sprinkle down from the sky, splattering the table. Fat tears fall from my eyes, running down my cheeks.

I try swallowing a thick lump in my throat, but it's going nowhere. My voice isn't mine. It's someone whose pain is unbearable and full of remorse. "Bella looked so beautiful the last night I saw her." Auntie reaches for my hand that's gripping my knee. "We went to the beach, listened to music, and...made out." I close my eyes remembering how perfect everything was.

"It's okay," Auntie whispers.

She hasn't heard the worst of it, and I'm afraid to say much more. My jaw clenches together as I wipe the tears and muster up the courage to continue.

"Don't you think Bella would understand?"

I shake my head. Until I finish the story, Auntie won't even understand. She doesn't get what I've been through, what Bella has been through.

"There's more."

Her hand tightens around mine, giving me support to finish.

This is the part where I struggle. This is where I'm all fucked up in the head. I don't know how to proceed, how to tell my aunt that I basically fell in love with a guy. Even though that blog post I read says differently, I feel dirty and wrong for dry humping Bella, touching her, and kissing her like she was my last breath. How was I supposed to know she was formerly Ben?

"So that last night—with Bella."

Auntie nods slowly in my peripheral. I decide to look into her eyes and own up to what I did once and for all. I can't be a chicken shit and skirt around the catastrophe I helped create from my wrongdoings.

"I texted Emmett and Jasper and told them I fucked Bella."

She gasps. Her eyes widen, her back straightens. She doesn't approve; I can tell, but I know she's not going to tell me so.

"They text all this bullshit back, and I don't even know what the hell they're talking about, like who sucked whose dick, and they were laughing." I pull my hand from hers and rub my forehead. "They told me Bella is really—" I stop there. Finishing the sentence is admitting to being with a guy.

"She's really what?"

The sky opens up and rain floods from above.

"A boy." My voice quivers, and I sound like a little bitch. I look down, away from Auntie's eyes.

"Oh, my God." Auntie reaches for her wine, draining the last quarter from her glass.

"I confronted Bella that night, in person. Things ended so bad, Auntie."

We sit there in silence, letting the rain soak us clear through, neither of us moving to go inside. I see the wheels turning in her head. She starts to say something several times, but the words don't come out.

"I'm an asshole. You can admit it."

"You're a kid, Eddie."

"What's that have to do with anything?"

"You're not mature enough yet to know how to deal with a situation of this magnitude on your own." She pauses. The rain has flattened her hair, and her mascara is running down her face. "You need to talk to someone equipped to help you handle this—it's a complex situation, Edward. Maybe they could even help you understand Bella's side of it too."

"I can't talk about this to anyone else. I shouldn't have even told you, but I need to stay here in Seattle. I know Emmett and Jasper have spread what happened around town. It's going to be fucking hell if I go back."

"I'll try my best, Eddie." There's sadness in her voice. "I hope Bella is okay." She scoots her chair out and reaches for the empty wine glass and my hand. "Let's go inside and dry off."

 **A/N:**

 **For everyone still reading this, thank you. Your reviews make me smile.**

 **When you dream of your pre-reader then you know she's good. LOL Thanks, MC.**

 **Big hugs to my girl, T, for brainstorming with me and betaing.**

 **FYI: I tweak ALL the things because that's how I roll, so blame me, not my team.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	13. Chapter 13

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 13**

"But, Mom!"

"The answer is no. You need to get home. School starts Monday, and you'll be here and ready."

"I want to play baseball here, though." I'm whining, and I know it, but I can't tell Mom why I want to stay in Seattle. Auntie is the only person I've spoken with about Bella.

"Edward, be home by Saturday. End of discussion."

The phone bears the brunt of my frustrations, and I tap the button to hang up harder than needed before pitching it with force into a pile of dirty clothes. I continue to pace back and forth in the bedroom, knowing I have to do what she says and dreading the unknown in Forks.

There's a knock on my bedroom door.

"Eddie?"

"Yeah?"

The doorknob twists. "May I come in?"

"Yes."

Auntie takes a seat on the edge of my bed, watching me pace like a caged animal.

"What'd she say?"

I huff and grimace. "I gotta go back there."

She nods. "I'm sorry, honey. I tried too. Do you think you should tell her? Maybe she'll change her mind if she knows the truth."

I stop in my tracks and look at her. "No way! First off, she'd kick my ass for drinking and cut off my balls for ever having sex."

She cringes slightly. "I, uh."

"She thinks I'm a virgin, Auntie, and I want to keep it that way."

"But you didn't have sex with Bella."

"No, but I agreed to it with those neighborhood fuckers." I retrieve my phone and check my texts. The most recent message is an outgoing text to Bella—the one I drunk-texted. I can't believe I caved, but I also can't stop wishing there'll be a reply from her. The need to know if she's thinking of me is eating me alive. "To her, it would be the end of the world. Trust me."

"Then all you can do now is go back there and get through it. It's high school, Eddie. After graduation, no one will remember any of it."

"Except me." I kick a pair of shoes out of my path. "And Bella. She'll remember I was the one who fucked her over with a stupid dare."

There's silence while I pack my clothes, shoving them into my duffle bag. Auntie sighs, walking to the door. Then she hesitates and turns toward me. "I'm not downplaying anything you chose to do, but Bella betrayed you too, Eddie. Just remember that. She could have told you when things were heating up that she had a past as someone else."

I bite the inside of my cheek, nodding, and she closes the door behind her. I fall back onto the bed, the what-ifs clouding my head: What if I had never taken that dare? What if Bella had always been Bella and not Ben? What if I had never moved to that fucking town in the first place? What if I wasn't such a dick?

 ***T***

The hours I spend on the highway driving and thinking do no good. I'm still at a loss on how to avoid those assholes, Emmett and Jasper, or what I should do regarding Bella. But thank God, the joint Seth gave me when I left Seattle has done what it was intended to do—calmed me the fuck down.

The last sixty miles are spent with my stereo blasting, vibrating my rear view mirror. I'm not thinking about anything, just watching the monotonous yellow lines on the road. I drive until I'm at the Forks' city limits then turn off my music.

Thankfully, I was able to stretch my one week visit to Seattle to nine days. I'm still pissed I couldn't stay with my aunt and uncle; I know my senior year would have kicked ass with my real buddies. Fuck, I wish Forks didn't exist. But I'm home as Mom requested, rolling in late on purpose—late enough for it to be considered Sunday, but at least I'm here.

The town is dark and desolate at this hour, mimicking my insides as I navigate the streets home. I park the truck in the driveway and get out, standing in the same spot I was the night I confronted Bella. For a brief second, I feel as though I've been teleported back in time, and my temper flares at the memory of her crying, saying I should have known she used to be Ben. Well, fuck her. How was I supposed to know?

I look up at her window before entering the back door of my house. Faint light shines at the edges of her shade, but it's no surprise I don't see a glimpse of her. I know it's going to take one hell of an ice pick to chip away at the barrier between us. And if the ice does thaw, what will be left?

I shrug it off with a huff. Fuck it. I'm sure she'll avoid me too.

The back door creaks and I hold my breath, hoping Mom doesn't hear me and come out—I don't want to talk to her. I tiptoe upstairs and crawl into bed, and that's where I pretty much stay until Monday morning when my alarm clock pisses me off at six a.m. I groan because I'm not ready for all the bullshit I know is coming my way, but I get up and get ready anyway, knowing it's now or fucking never.

 **A/N:**

 **Thank you for giving me a few minutes of your time.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**

 **Midnight Cougar, THANK YOU!**

 **3 thank you, EnchantedbyTwilight for being at my beck and call.**

 **Smooches!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 14**

I get out of my truck in the school parking lot, and all eyes are on me. I take a deep breath, hide behind my aviators, and try to ignore how my skin turns hot under the obvious and unwanted stares. My feet feel like foreign objects attached to my body, and the ground feels spongy underneath them. The first few steps I take I'm unsure how to put one foot in front of the other. If I trip and fall, that'll be another thing to add to the reasons people are staring.

My chest tightens, my lungs slow to feed my body the necessary air. Swallowing the thick knots forming in my throat, I almost give into my desire to say _fuck school_ and get back in my truck. But I tell myself I'll be fine and hope my ability to walk, breath, and swallow follows suit.

My plan now is to be ten times the asshole I was last year, so I pull back my shoulders and clear my throat, allowing my dickhead disposition to kick in. I pray my swagger looks normal because it sure as hell feels fucked up.

If I dare look affected by what happened between Bella and me, I'm doomed, and senior year will be shittier than already expected. Now would be a great time to have a buddy to meet up with inside, but I fucked myself by not making friends with anyone besides the two fuckers that screwed me over.

Hushed conversations stir behind me like dominos falling, one by one, as I walk by group after group of students. My psyche is crumbling under the stress even though I can't hear what's being said. The giggles, the shushes, and the hands covering mouths while speaking piss me off. I'm pretty sure everyone knows a little something, and I'm positive it's the version Emmett and Jasper have told.

I catch a glimpse of Jasper in his red Audi, pulling into a spot near where I'm walking. My hands clench at my side; I want to pull him from his car and punch him in the face, along with all these assholes staring, but I'd be left with sore fists and a definite suspension, so I push the thought from my head.

I dig my schedule out of my back pocket to keep my hands busy and keep my eyes down, scanning it until I'm at the door leading inside. After finding my locker, I discard my lunch until later and head to first hour, not looking at anyone or anything for fear I'll spot Bella in the mix.

 ***T***

Taking a seat at the back of the classroom, I pretend something on my phone is interesting enough to keep me glued to it. I check my texts more frequently than I ever have, and it's annoying. I'm not even sure why I want Bella to text because I've made up my mind about her. She's part dude, and I don't date dudes. But, there's a spot in my chest that hurts.

The classroom erupts with noise, talk about summer vacations, who's dating whom—which I don't give two fucks about, and desks screeching against the tile floor when the teacher enters the room. I don't recognize any of the voices, so I have no idea who's in here. When the bell rings, I'm brave enough to look around and see all eyes are focused on Mr. Banner.

The hour passes too quickly, and that means another class and the unknown. At some point today, it's bound to happen—I'm going to see one if not all three people I dread facing.

In second hour, I continue to feign interest in my phone until the bell rings. A few girls whisper and look my way, but their heads snap forward toward the chalkboard when I give them a death stare.

There are two more hours until lunch, and it's beginning to feel like torture—like I'm sinking in quicksand, slow and agonizing. I know I won't make it through another class, so once the second hour dismissal bell rings, I'm out of my seat and to the door before anyone else. I head to the library, to the dim nook in the back to hide out. It's perfect for someone who doesn't want to be seen.

 ***T***

The voice is faint, but I'd know it anywhere. The soft, sweet tone is familiar to my ears. During the summer when those pretty lips were inches from my face, whispering things I wanted to hear it was music. Now, I'm nervous, and a sick feeling fills my gut.

"Bella, go ahead and shelve the remaining books, and then we'll go over the rest of your duties."

"Yes, Mrs. Cope."

I hide behind a baseball magazine in case Bella ventures to the nook. I'm not ready to face her again. What would I say? What would she say? What's the point?

 **A/N:**

 **Hmm…**

 **Thank you for hanging out with me.**

 **I love your reviews and your dedication to my story; you all are the best!**

 **Just wanted to let you know I'm using all my free time to write and take care of my kiddo, so reviews might get overlooked, but I promise you that's unintentional.**

 **And my final thoughts,**

 **MC+T=LOVE (thanks, girlies)**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	15. Chapter 15

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 15**

As I question what I'd say to her, I realize I can smell her perfume—vanilla and flowers; the one she bought when we went to Port Angeles together. It drives me fucking crazy, even now, and my heart pounds faster.

Behind the magazine, I shrink in my seat and hold my breath. When her scent gets stronger, I panic and toss aside my shield. Grabbing my backpack, I leave my hiding spot quickly, narrowly escaping Bella.

The restroom right outside the library is where I go to devise a new plan. Going to class late without an excuse isn't an option, and there are twenty-five minutes left until it ends. I decide to hang out here until the dismissal bell, then suck it up and attend fourth hour.

I don't even know what I'm doing or why I'm so nervous about facing Bella. She knows where I stand, and that should be that, but it isn't. I have endless dreams about her—us. Everything is fine in dreamland; everyone seems accepting of her...situation—even I am. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I can forgive and forget. I do think of being with her again—it even feels okay in my subconscious—but it'll be a cold day in hell before I give in to that idea.

My phone alerts with a text. It's Auntie.

 _ **Happy first day of senior year!**_

 **Thanks.**

 _ **Don't get caught texting in class.**_

 **I'm not in class.**

 _ **Shouldn't you be?**_

 **I'm kicking back in the restroom.**

 _ **That bad, huh?**_

 **I'm over this year already.**

 _ **You can do this. You'll be fine. Call me tonight if you need to talk. Love you.**_

 **Love you too.**

Sliding my phone in my pocket, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I look the same on the outside, maybe a little less cocky, but my insides are different. I feel like I am being tested, and my heart is being twisted. This feeling of inferiority is foreign. I'm usually the one on top of the game, not feeling like I'm flailing at the bottom.

The restroom door swings open, hitting the wall. It startles me, but when I see who it is, I turn to the mirror and wash my hands to keep busy.

"Well, look who's here." Emmett's voice booms and ricochets off the tile walls. "We've missed you in class." His tone is sarcastic. He must have forgotten what happened to Jasper and him at the park. "I was sure you pussied out and stayed home." He bellies up to the urinal, unzips his fly, and takes a piss.

I grab a wad of paper towels, drying my hands, as a growl sounds deep in my throat. My hand squeezes the towels into a tight, firm ball as I turn my back. I suck down the anger boiling inside me and walk away out of fear I'll unleash another ass whooping.

"Leaving so soon?" Emmett says, zipping up his shorts. "Isn't the boys' restroom the best place to see dick? Since you're into that sort of thing."

He does it. He opens his fucking mouth one too many times. My body whips around, the look of pure determination and anger etched on my face. Instinctively, my arm winds up, releasing the balled-up towels with force at his head.

"Hey! What the fuck?" His mouth contorts and it brings me joy knowing I've pissed him off.

I drop my backpack on the floor before rushing at him, careening his body into the wall. I head-butt his nose, bloodying his face and his shirt. He's crying like a fucking pussy with his hand at his face, catching the blood in his palm. I'm not finished with him in the least, so I knee him in his balls, dropping him to the floor as if it's nothing. I'm ruthless, just like he and Jasper have been with Bella.

"How's it feel to be kicked when you're down?"

He mumbles through moans that I'm a fucking asshole to which I nod. _Damn straight._

I grab another paper towel and wipe Emmett's blood from my knuckles and the few drops that have splattered my forearm. The adrenaline is running through my veins, and I'm breathing heavy from the pent up anger I have been holding in for weeks.

A wicked smile forms on my face as if his blood has fueled some kind of animal inside of me. "I warned you, and you didn't listen."

 ***T***

By the time lunch rolls around, everyone is talking about Emmett. A few girls in fourth hour say Emmett slipped in the bathroom and hit his face on the sink. Not one person mentions he got his ass beat. If that's the story he's telling and sticking to, then he's smarter than I thought. I haven't been pulled out of class and hauled down to the principal's office, so maybe Emmett heeded my warning after all.

There's no open lunch, but I go to my truck to get away from everyone. School has been stressful—I need to chill. To pass the time, I eat and send texts to Garrett and Seth.

When I look up from my phone, I notice a few people exit the building and scatter to the right. They're doing the same thing I am—escaping. One person, though, takes a left and finds a shady spot in the grass next to the building. It's Bella. I put my phone down and watch. I'm pretty sure she can't see me, but I duck down a little bit just to make sure. She leans her head back against the bricks—I'm no body language expert, but she looks just about as happy as I am to be in this fucking town.

I finish my sandwich and chug down my water. I'm waiting for her to return to school, so I can get out of my truck and sneak back in, too. She's not budging. _Fuck._ She picks up her phone, and the urge to pick up mine and flip to our text is strong. I see the three little dots when I open our text. My hands sweat, and my mouth goes dry. What the hell? I wait—just like every time before when I've seen the dots.

"Come on. Whatcha waiting for?" It's bad when I talk to myself, but with no friends here, this is what I've resorted to. I duck down even farther, my body almost in prone position. "If you have something to say, then say it." I want to hear from her, yet I don't.

After another five minutes of practically lying in the seat of my truck, I decide to hell with it. I'm going to get out of my truck, walk past Bella, and pretend I don't see her. Going to class late or missing another one isn't an option, so I sit up, crack my neck, and roll my shoulders. When I look across the parking lot, Bella is gone.

And so is her unsent text.

 **A/N:**

 **FYI, I love reviews and cocky boys. ;)**

 **Thank you for reading my story and spending a few minutes with me and badass Edward.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**

 **It's a given—I appreciate EnchantedbyTwilight, but I"ll say it again. Thank you so much for your love and support.**

 **Thanks, Midnight Cougar, my sista from another mista, for your pre-reading prowess. xo**


	16. Chapter 16

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 16**

I'm pissed I waited on a text that never came through. Now, I'm running like hell to get to my fifth-hour Botany class on the other side of the school.

The bell rings just as I make it to the classroom, so technically, I'm not late. All eyes are on me, though—the thing I hate the most these days—as I walk inside.

"Welcome," the teacher says to the class.

Everyone mutters a semi-enthusiastic greeting back. I scan the room for a place to sit, spotting a table at the very back. There's a guy with dark, buzzed hair I've never seen before at the table. He's tan and built too—muscles on top of muscles, and a wolf tattoo on his forearm.

"I'm Jake," he says, before I have a chance to sit down.

My brow raises in question.

"Don't worry, I don't bite." He smirks. "What's your name, dude?"

"Edward." I'm skeptical of this guy. Hell, I'm skeptical of everyone these days. I pull out the chair and slump down in it, hoping this guy will shut his mouth. I'm not in the mood, and I'm pretty sure if I tell him to shut the fuck up he'll beat my ass.

I turn away from Jake and pretend I'm listening to the teacher. But really, I'm thinking how miserable this year is going to be and how I wish I could convince my mom to let me take online courses. I'm serious; I'm up to my ball sack with this shitty school already and it's only been half a day so far.

Jake leans close. "So, are you new here?"

I shrug and dig in my backpack for a pencil.

"It's cool. If you don't wanna talk, I get it. You must be supersmart or something, listening to the teacher and shit."

I ignore him.

Right before the dismissal bell rings, the teacher gives us our first assignment. Looks like I'm working with Jake since partners are assigned by table. _Great._

"You and me, dude," Jake says.

"Yup."

Jake is more than happy to give me his number so we can get together outside of class. I'm not sure if it's because of our assignment or if he just needs friends, but I text him back so he has mine too.

"I just moved back here, by the way," Jake says.

 _He needs friends._

"Hmpf. Lucky you, you had to come back to this shithole too."

"I see you think highly of this _shithole_."

"I fucking hate it here."

"Tell me how you really feel." He laughs.

A half-smile tugs at my face. It's been a while since that's happened. This guy may not be half-bad after all.

"Forks isn't that bad, Edward. I should introduce you to some of my friends."

"I don't know. I haven't had luck with friends lately."

"Well, now you have me, man." Jake grins.

 ***T***

"How was your day, sweetie?" Mom asks.

I grit my teeth, still pissed at her, and scan the inside of the fridge for a snack. "Okay."

"Just okay?"

"I hate Forks. What do you expect?" I huff. All I see is fruit. _Nope._

"You didn't hate it over the summer."

She doesn't get a response because I'm not going into details. I push aside the gallon of milk. _Chocolate cake, score!_

Mom sighs. "Would you like to invite Bella over for dinner?"

"What? No. Why?" I set the cake on the counter and get a knife from the drawer and a plate from the cabinet. Normally, I'd eat it straight off the cake plate, but I need to get a piece and get the fuck out of here.

"I just thought since you were gone for nine days, you'd like to spend some time with her. You two were practically inseparable this summer."

"Thanks, but no."

"I saw Mrs. Swan a week ago."

Oh, shit, here we go. My hands start to shake and the knife slips from my grip as I cut the cake.

"Honey, be careful." She takes a paper towel and wipes at the crumbs on the counter.

I think she knows something is up, and I'm waiting for her to drop the bomb on me.

"She said Bella has seemed sad."

I scoop the piece of cake onto the plate and take a huge bite. "Hmm."

"She chalked it up to you being gone. She said Bella didn't even want to go on their annual family fishing trip."

"Really?" I say with a mouth full. I want more info but don't want to seem like I want more.

Mom nods. "She stayed home by herself for a few days. Mrs. Swan asked me if Bella needed anything when they were gone if she could call. Of course, I told her yes. I even took her over some dinner one night."

I don't look at her and keep shoveling cake in my mouth.

"And Mrs. Swan was right. Bella seemed sad. In fact, it looked as though she had been crying, but when I asked her if she was okay, she nodded and said her allergies were acting up."

"Hmm."

"Did you talk to her while you were in Seattle?"

"Nope."

"Oh, I thought you two were dating."

"Nope."

"So no to asking her over for dinner?"

"Nope."

Mom sighs as I open the fridge once more and take out a can of Coke. I know I'm being a dick, but I need space from her and her twenty questions so I go to my room.

"Get busy on your homework," she calls after me.

"Don't have any." Except for the project with Jake but that'll have to wait.

 ***T***

The TV plays in the background, masking the quietness of my bedroom. I reach under the mattress and pull out the silver flask of whiskey I have hidden there. The Coke is cold and the carbonation burns my throat when I drink too fast, but I swallow down enough so there's room to pour alcohol in the can. I return the flask to its hiding place and roll my desk chair over to the window.

Sitting here is good, but sipping on what I shouldn't is even better. I'm thinking about my old life while looking outside but not seeing anything all. Everything blends together, the shapes and colors, as calmness overtakes me. It's as if I'm looking through one of those kaleidoscope things. Real life is nothing in this moment.

A warm breeze blows through the window, and I close my eyes. The smell of fresh cut grass and smoke from a neighbor's barbeque grill takes me back to a summer before this one—a summer where Forks was nonexistent. For a moment, I'm in Seattle, playing baseball, eating hot dogs in the park, and hanging with Garrett and Seth. Life was great. A boy, a sport, and best friends.

A deep sigh brings me out of my past. I'm here in Forks, the now—the uncomfortable, the fucking hell.

After a half-hour or so, the alcohol takes effect, the fuzziness covers me like a comforting blanket, and I squeeze my eyes tight. I think about what Auntie said when I told her about Bella. " _No one will remember what happens after graduation._ " Maybe she's right, but until then, I have to endure something no one should. And Bella does too.

An old rusty, red truck pulling into Bella's driveway diverts my thoughts. The engine cuts off and I look to see who it is. I've never seen it there before so I look harder. _What the fuck?_ It's Jake from Botany class and Bella. They sit there for about five minutes, and I drink down what's left in my can, wondering what the hell he's doing with her.

Jake leans over and gives Bella a hug. A flash of heat burns white-hot from the inside of my body, paralyzing me as jealousy surfaces. I watch as Bella gets out of the passenger side and waves goodbye.

I jump out of my chair, and before I know it, I'm flying down the stairs and toward the back door.

 **A/N:**

 **Shiznit! Another cliffie.**

 **As always, I truly appreciate my readers. I barely had time to answer reviews last time, but I read every single one, thank you!**

 **I'll see you all back in a few days.**

 **Thanks to my beta team.**

 **I couldn't do this without you.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	17. Chapter 17

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 17**

Mom stops me before I make it out the back door.

"Dinner's ready."

Air plunges in and out of my lungs, stinging as if I've run a marathon.

"Where in the world were you going in such a rush?" Mom asks.

"Uh." I don't have a good answer. In fact, I'm not sure why I feel the need to run outside in the first place. Bella and Jake together shouldn't make me feel anything at all. Nothing. Unless, I'm still feeling something...no, I'm not! I'm not feeling anything toward Bella—nothing! I keep reminding myself there's nothing I _can_ feel for her because she's still a...him. "I remembered I had some homework in my truck."

"All right, well, you can do that after dinner." She stirs something on the stove and takes a taste. "Will you grab the parmesan from the fridge and set it on the table?"

I nod, knowing it's a good thing Mom blocked my attempt to go outside. What the hell was I thinking anyway? What would I have said had I come face-to-face with Bella? I have gone to great lengths today to avoid her, so I would have only made a fool of myself.

"Are you sure you don't want to invite Bella?" Mom asks again.

"I am sure, Mom." _Jesus fucking Christ_ , I finish under my breath.

Mom looks at me and lets out a frustrated sigh. I know she's about to rip me a new one, but she doesn't get the chance because Carlisle walks in from work.

"Hey, Edward," he says. "How was your first day?"

I shake my head and turn my back to him, rolling my eyes—as if Mom didn't tell him I whined like a pussy to stay in Seattle. She tells him everything. It's fucking annoying. I set the parmesan on the table. "It was so great," I Iie. "I made like five new friends, and I think I'm gonna go out for STUCO president." How's that for some bullshit?

I glance at Mom, and she gives me a look that says, _You better quit being an asshat, son, or I'll ground you indefinitely_. Good. I'd rather stay home, locked in my room, than go out in public and be laughed at by every prick that walks by me.

"Hmm. Well, good for you. I hope you'll consider trying out for the baseball team as well." Carlisle pulls a piece of garlic bread from the foil package on the table, takes a bite, then pours wine into two glasses. For a brief second, I contemplate asking if one of them is mine, but I think Mom would backhand me at this point.

After taking a seat at the table, I go through the motions, not tasting spaghetti, just eating and speaking when I'm spoken to. All I want is to be fucking done so I can go back to my bubble.

After what I almost did, I need reassurance again, and research is the only way I'll get the answers I'm looking for—I hope.

 ***T***

I google stuff about transgenders and how sex changes work. The things I read are through squinted eyes because it sounds painful as hell. I'm curious as fuck though at what a man looks like when he becomes a woman, so I google photos of that too. I only look at the after-surgery results because I have no interest in seeing any dicks. The photos I find look nasty as fuck—swollen lips with stitches surrounding the outside of them, and I can't imagine them ever working like a normal pussy does. But the progress photos—the ones six months out and longer—look amazingly real. Once they've healed, those pussies look pretty spot-on. If you didn't know better, you'd never be able to tell.

After hours of being on the computer, I type _Straight man in love with a transgender woman_ in the search bar to see if there's anyone else out there like me. I wonder because I've felt all alone, and I have to know.

I can't deny the feelings I have for Bella any longer. I've tried so fucking hard to make them go away. I even tried to forget by being with Tanya. But no matter how hard I try to forget about what happened between us over the summer, that she was once Ben, I can't. It's like flies attracted to shit. My feelings just won't go away.

An article pops up, and it's exactly what I am looking for. I read it again and again until I have it almost memorized. This dude is me. He loves someone who used to be a guy, and she's absolutely feminine and beautiful—just like Bella. There are so many similarities between us, and I'm fucking jealous of him right now.

The only difference is he's not ashamed and I am.

I wish I wasn't, but the guy also isn't in my shoes: seventeen, living in a small town, and dealing with high school bullshit. I wish I could be brave enough to admit my true feelings for Bella—but I'm not. I close out of all the tabs I have open, shut down the computer, and look outside.

Bella's window is visible from my desk, but the blinds haven't been open since I've been back. I figure it's some kind of a _fuck you_ since I used to stare out the window at her, and she knew it—she had teased me about it numerous times. There's light shining between the slats and nothing else. I'd give anything to see her dancing in her room, carefree and happy again. The need to know she's okay is killing me. I keep thinking back to what Mom said about her being sad—and I fucking hate it. I will her blinds to open so I can catch a glimpse of her, but the lights go out instead. There's nothing but darkness.

I lay here, my mind full of so much stuff about Bella and what she's been through. How brave she's had to be and how supportive her family must have to be to accept something that's not the norm. I wish I could be half as brave as Bella.

I reach for my phone and pull up my texts.

 **We need to get together soon.**

A few minutes pass.

 _ **When?**_

 **Tomorrow after school?**

 _ **Okay, I can do that.**_

 **A/N:**

 **If you'd like to join my Facebook group for teasers and whatnot, that'd be cool.**

 **Stories by OhGeeFantasy**

 **Thank you to everyone reading Tantamount. As always, I appreciate you all from the bottom of my heart. I didn't get to answer many reviews this last time because life has been crazy busy, however, I read all of them.**

 **To T and MC, thank you for your dedication to me and this story.**

 **Love you!**

 **Xo**

 **OhGee**


	18. Chapter 18

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 18**

Even though I put Emmett in his place yesterday, I'm still apprehensive about us being in third-hour together. He must feel the same way, too, because his knee starts bouncing like crazy when I walk into the classroom. He doesn't look at me, but I stare him down anyway as I walk by.

I see there's purplish bruising under his eyes, and his nose is a little swollen. I smirk at my handiwork, no longer feeling like the underdog, and take a seat at the back of the room. My pride swells knowing I've scared that asshole a little—the tap-tap-tap on the underside of his desk throughout class is a dead giveaway.

I'd say so far Intro to Psychology has been productive.

 ***T***

When it's lunchtime, I decide to sneak out to my truck again and eat there. I've been doing okay today, ignoring the finger-pointing and whispering, but I need a break.

As I unwrap my sandwich, I pull up the blog post from last night and read it again. The guy, Duke, and the girl, Marla, look so happy. They remind me of how Bella and I were during the summer. After a few minutes, I close out of the tab. It's putting thoughts in my head, ones I'm not sure I can handle. _Could I give it another try with Bella? Would she even want to?_ But, I can't handle the fact I saw her with Jake either. Partly, because I think she's moved on, and I wish I could too.

Maybe Auntie is right; I should talk to someone.

I tap the photo icon on my phone and scan through pics from the summer. The ones Bella snapped of us. Her silly faces made me laugh. She turned me on by just being herself, and the way we had fun was well, fun. For the first time, I notice my smile in these photos; I look different. I was happy. Truly. Fucking. Happy. Our relationship wasn't complex; it was simple—easy shit like ice cream in the park and summer nights at the beach. She wasn't stuck up, and...I wasn't a dick.

 _I guess there is a first time for everything_.

Remembering is all I have. It's a painful, massive bitch with fiery fingers digging deep into my flesh.

I miss her. I miss us. I miss the short period of time I had with her until the stupid dare came to a head.

 _That fucking dare._

Images of Emmett and Jasper sitting on my porch laughing after they dared me should have clued me into something shady. But, I was drunk and cocky, and it didn't register with me at the time. The cash was appealing, too; in fact, it was the reason I had agreed. Those assholes had known damn well what they were asking of me, and it has forever changed my life—and possibly Bella's life too. I know I hurt her in the process, and there are no words I can think of right now that will make any of this right. I don't want to say the wrong thing to her; hell, I'm not entirely sure of what the right thing to say is either, but she hurt me, too, by not telling me about her sexuality. Saying sorry doesn't seem like it's enough for either of us. So, until I can think of something better, I'll skate around this small-ass town, full of backstabbing, gossip-spreading fuckwads, and pretend Bella and I never happened.

A car pulls into the space next to my truck, which brings my attention back to my lunch and the reason I'm in my truck. I'm completely sick to my stomach, so I toss my half-eaten sandwich back into my paper bag. I'm ready to go back inside when I notice Bella sitting by the building again. Her legs are crisscrossed, and she's reading. I watch as she turns the pages, then taps her fingers on her leg—fidgeting like she used to when we first met. She had only twisted her hands together until she began to feel comfortable around me. Or at least, I hadn't noticed her nervous habit any longer.

It looks like she's doing the same thing as I am, taking a breather from the gossip. I know for a fact people are trying to figure shit out about our relationship. We were seen together over the summer at the beach and around town. And now all those stares make sense. I had overheard Maggie and Bree in second hour talking about us, but once I had told them it was none of their fucking business, they shut their mouths.

I can't take my eyes off Bella. She's wearing jeans and the same Hello Kitty t-shirt she had on the first time we met. Her hair is down and wispy in the light breeze. She's tapping her fingers on her leg, and when she isn't, she's batting at her hair until she finally decides to tuck one side behind her ear. Her face is out of view with her head tipped down, so I can't see if she's okay—I hope she's okay. I need to know—I'm not that much of a dick. I'd give anything for just one more minute with her—for her to be in my truck, heading down the highway to who-the-fuck-cares with nothing but music and triple chocolate peanut butter-kisses between us.

So, I sit here in stale silence watching, knowing I can't do _this_ forever. I can't stalk her like a chicken shit from across the parking lot. I also can't pretend we didn't happen and avoid her forever, but how am I supposed to break the silence? Why won't she break it and make it easier on me?

Maybe, it's for the best. She probably hates my guts.

Until Bella goes back inside, I wait. And once again, I'm racing to Botany after lunch, weaving around people like a fucking ninja to make it there on time, but mostly because I can't wait to talk to Jake.

 ***T***

"I was surprised when you texted me last night," Jake says when I sit down at our table.

"We need to get the project started, so—"

Jake interrupts. "Yesterday, you didn't seem too excited about it."

I shrug. "I'm not, but we should brainstorm, at least." I don't give two shits about our dumb assignment. What's really on my mind is why Jake was at Bella's yesterday. "We can go to my house."

My jealousy kicks in every time I close my eyes and see his arm around her in the truck for that sickening hug. I'm going to need to get to the bottom of what's going on and find out if he likes her. If he does, I'll put an end to it real quick. That's why he's coming over today. Last night, the only way I could think of questioning Jake was if I invited him over so we could talk. When he sees I live next door to Bella, it'll be the perfect opening.

"I have some ideas for our project," Jake says.

 _Awesome because I haven't thought about shit._ "All right."

"I'm not sure where you live, so I'll just follow you to your house. Is that cool?"

"Yep." My tone is more upbeat than usual because getting information is my goal.

 ***T***

Jake meets me in the parking lot after school so he can follow me to my house. I'm both nervous and excited and drive extra slow, making sure he doesn't get lost. I'm determined to get all the info I can about Bella—our silence is like solitary confinement, and Jake holds the key to possibly breaking free.

When we get out of our trucks, he has this look on his face—deep, double lines between bushy eyebrows—confused, like he's trying to figure something out, or putting two and two together.

"You're the guy who lives next to Bella?"

That didn't take long. I guess this conversation is happening sooner than later.

"Yeah. How do you know Bella?" _My number one question._

Those bushy brows raise and the lines between his eyes smooth out. "She's—"

His reply is interrupted by Bella's loud, new _old_ car she must have gotten while I was out of town. It's just as rusty as Jake's truck but yellow and a two-door.

We watch as Bella opens her car door. It's the first time I've seen her this close since our confrontation. I'm deer in the headlights—frozen. My eyes are fixed on her and hers on me. Everything is slow motion. She gets out, ungraceful as she tries to run to her front door. I lurch forward when she stumbles to the grass but stop when Jake's arm flies out. She calls his name. It's like a question and drawn out in anguish, pure fucking hurt in her voice. Her cheeks are wet. She says his name again, and her palms cup her cheeks. It's a disjointed scene, and one I hate watching. He turns to me, the look of confusion concrete on his face as he takes off running. My skin feels hot, my shirt sticking to my body like I need to shed this skin and finally free myself of the past, but I'm no fucking reptile. Or maybe I am; I am a fucking snake.

"Bella?" he yells. His feet pound the grass, and I swear I hear the thud of his shoes as he makes tracks to get to her.

My feet, though, are glued to the driveway where Jake had stopped me. I stand here stunned for I don't know how long.

"It's him," Bella cries, and it breaks my heart. "It's him..." She trails off. That's when Jake knows the connection between me and Bella.

He storms my way, deep creases on his forehead, again, jaw clenched, and hands fisted.

"You're the fucker who messed with Bella?" Veins in his neck pulse and his face can't get any redder, or he'll explode. "You're the reason she's barely eating and crying to me on the phone?"

My eyes widen.

"You're the one who broke her heart?"

It's that moment the puzzle is complete. The pieces have fallen into place. _Oh fuck._

I pull my shoulders back, stare square into his eyes, and nod, giving him the answer he has asked for.

The wolf inked on his forearm is a blur as he swings. When his knuckles connect with my jaw, I'm not surprised; I take it, stumbling backward, embracing the pain that sears throughout my body. The taste of blood is heavy—thick and salty. I don't fight back. I stand up like the man I should have been and take the beating, again and again, every damn hit because I need the physical pain to drown out the emotional shit that hurts worse.

I lose track of how many times he hits me and fall to the ground, limp and useless. Jake has me by my shirt, kneeling, his face inches from my mine. His voice booms, full of anger, but all I hear is Bella begging him to stop.

 **A/N:**

 **Thank you for the reviews. I read all of them; I promise, but I only had time to respond to a few. Hence, the longer chapter you just feasted on. ;)**

 **Just know that I love you all and appreciate your dedication to my story.**

 **Please join my Facebook group, Stories by OhGeeFantasy, if you'd like teasers and/or random things I post.**

 **Thank you to MC and T for loving me. I know it's hard sometimes!**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	19. Chapter 19

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 19**

"Jake! Stop!" Bella yells.

His arm is cocked, the wolf glaring down from above, ready to strike again. I close my eyes, my arms instinctively covering my head, preparing for another blow, but Bella appears and grabs his arm.

"Stop!" she yells again.

I lie in the grass, watching Bella through swollen eyes. It's been too long since I've been within three feet of her, since that fucking horrible night, and I don't care if my face is bloody and broken if it means I can be close to her again.

As if my life isn't complicated enough, I hear the front door slam and my mom yelling to break it up.

She crouches down beside me. "Oh God, Edward."

"It's fine. It's fine." Blood sputters from my lips as I speak.

"Who are you?" Mom is hysterical as she looks up at Jake towering overhead.

"Mrs. Cullen," Bella says. "He's Jake. He's a friend."

"You two, get out of here." Mom is pissed. She wipes my face, and I bat her hand away. "We're going to get to the bottom of this." I'm pretty sure she means it too.

"Mom, it's okay. It was a misunderstanding." _Understatement of the fucking year._

When Bella and Jake don't move, she glares at them. "I said leave! And I will be calling your parents." She turns to me. "Edward, I should call an ambulance. You're swollen and bleeding!"

"No!" _Jesus._ "I'm fine." _I just got my ass kicked._

I look at Bella, pleading. "Please. Get Jake outta here." I want her to listen to me—not because I'm scared of Jake but because it'll be easier dealing with my mom if they're gone.

Bella wipes her tears and does as I ask, coaxing Jake to her house. Mom ushers me toward ours with questions I refuse to answer.

I hear laughter from across the street and notice Emmett and Jasper sitting on the curb like fucking spectators. _Great._

I'll deal with them later.

 ***T***

Mom is freaking out and calls Carlisle the minute we step inside the house. To be honest, I'm about to lose it too. I don't want my parents knowing anything about what happened between Bella and me, but after the fight outside, I'm sure I'll have to say something. I slump in a kitchen chair while she grabs ice from the freezer, wraps it in a towel, and places it on my eye, then my lip. She's talking so fucking fast she's about to hyperventilate; I'm surprised my stepdad can understand a word of what she's saying.

It's not fifteen minutes later, Carlisle walks through the door with his medical bag, ready to save the day. He motions for me to sit on the kitchen counter, eyeing me suspiciously. "A contusion to the eye, laceration to the lip—and a busted ego. Sound about right, Edward?"

I shrug because had I fought back, I wouldn't look as mangled right now. Jake is huge—bodybuilder physique. I still would have looked fucked up no matter what, but Jake would have been hurting too. Today though, I needed my ass kicked, if not for myself, then for Bella.

"I just don't understand it," Mom says, still zipping around the kitchen with nervous energy.

"Esme, sit down." Carlisle pulls a stool out from under the bar top, and she takes a seat.

"But why was he beating on you, Edward?" Her hand lifts, questioning, trying to wrap her head around the teenage drama that just went down in her perfect little world.

"Honey, fights happen." Carlisle tries to reassure her and rests his hand on her shoulder. But, I'm pretty sure she's going to need more than a couple of pats to make her forget about this.

Carlisle turns his attention back to me. "Your lip needs a few stitches. I could do it here, but I think you'd rather have something to numb it first." He closes his bag and leans against the counter where I'm sitting. "Why don't you let me take you back to the hospital and we can get you fixed up there?"

I nod. I've suffered enough pain today. Plus, I need to be away from Mom right now. "Kay."

Carlisle looks at Mom who's shaking her head. "Honey, why don't you stay here and take a nice relaxing bath. Edward and I will pick something up for dinner on our way home."

"I should—"

Carlisle interrupts her. "He'll be fine, Esme. Go relax." He gives her a kiss on the cheek, and we leave before she has a chance to protest again.

Jake's truck isn't in our driveway anymore, and it's not in Bella's either, but Bella is sitting on her porch with sad eyes, watching as we get in Carlisle's Mercedes.

"Is this about a girl?" Carlisle asks as we're driving away from our house.

"I guess you could say that."

He looks my way. "Bella?"

I nod.

"Ahh." It sounds like he knows exactly what I don't want to talk about, but he asks anyway. "You want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Would you like to talk to someone else about it? Maybe a therapist?"

My head whips in his direction. What the hell? Does Carlisle know about Bella too? Was I the only fucking douche in this town who didn't know about her?

"No." I scoff.

"All I'm saying is you two got close over the summer. After you went to Seattle, there was a shift in your attitude and you and Bella stopped hanging out together."

 _I'll give him credit for being observant._

"I think I know what's going on here, Edward, but I won't pry. I just think you need to seek some professional help and get things sorted out."

He parks the car when we get to the hospital, and I rush to get out, but he stops me.

"Listen, I was seventeen once too. I know what you're going through, somewhat. But, considering Bella isn't your typical girl, and I think you know what I'm talking about."

My temper flares. "Did Auntie tell you?"

"What? What does Auntie have to do with this?"

I shake my head. I told her shit in confidence.

"Edward." He sighs and looks me in the eye. "Auntie didn't tell us anything. Bella's father spoke to me about a few things last year after we moved here and he found out I was a doctor."

"Oh. Does Mom know?"

"No. But please take my advice. You should talk to someone—deal with whatever is going on between you two. All I know is you were really happy when you were with her, and now, you're not."

"I'll think about it."

"There's a guy I know. We play golf every now and then, and he'd be perfect for you. His name is Dr. Volturi."

I nod. I'm not sure I can tell my story to a complete stranger and relive it all, but I know Auntie and Carlisle are probably right. I guess I should try.

 ***T***

Five stitches and an hour later, I'm home and in my room. Tonight, for the first time since I've been back, I notice Bella's blinds are cracked open. I don't linger by my window, though. I'm beat, literally, and need some sleep.

After a quick shower to wash off the dried blood, I crawl into bed telling myself only 177 days left of school. _Fuck, I can do it._ I'll be packing my shit and outta this town before anyone can blink.

In the morning, I wake with achy muscles and a throbbing head. But, the worst is the feeling of dread at seeing the person who made me this way. I decide to take it like a man and face him. If he throws punches today, he'll get it right back. I've paid my dues; yesterday was a free pass, but I'm not taking anymore shit from anyone.

 **A/N:**

 **Thanks again for all the reviews on the last chapter. I'm like a kid in a candy store when they come in.**

 **I'm sorry I was only able to answer a few.**

 **I've been busy trying to get this story completed, so I can focus on publishing some of my other stories: PUDDING CUP and BENEATH BRIAR, an original fiction.**

 **Join me on Facebook in my group Stories by OhGeeFantasy and follow my author page, Author Perry Noel, for updates (although very sporadic) on my future endeavors.**

 **Thank you, T and MC for being my Jake. ;)**

 **Love you all,**

 **OhGee**


	20. Chapter 20

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 20**

Before I leave my room, I grab my cell phone and notice I have several messages, all from Jake.

 **Dude, sorry about kicking your ass.**

 **You kinda needed it, though.**

 **BTW, Bella is pissed at me now.**

I roll my eyes, and it hurts like hell. _She hates me too, bro_.

 **She's a good friend. We were friends when she was Ben. In fact, she was my best friend when I lived here. I guess I just lost it when I found out you were the one who hurt her.**

I stuff my phone in my back pocket just as I hear Mom yell my name. I'm running late, and the last thing I want to do is talk to her.

As soon as my feet hit the bottom step, Mom's voice echoes through the house again. I sigh and swear under my breath. Mom and Carlisle are waiting for me at the kitchen table. It's awkward as fuck when they ask me to join them, but I sit anyway, knowing I really have no choice.

Mom is hell-bent on calling Jake's parents. "They need to know what's going on, Edward."

"No! No, Mom!"

"Esme," Carlisle says. "We discussed this already. We can't call his parents. It'd make it harder on Edward in the long run."

"Yeah, things got outta hand. I called him a few names, and he kicked my ass. That's it. End of story."

"Edward! Watch your mouth. You can get your point across without cursing."

 _Fuck if I can_.

Carlisle eyes me. He knows my injuries aren't from name-calling, but he doesn't say anything.

"Sorry."

"Last night, I discussed with your mother that it might be a good idea for you to speak with a therapist." His eyes widen slightly, telling me to go along with it. "I know you haven't been happy here in Forks, and there's a friend of mine who has an opening today after school." He pauses. "Would you be willing to go?"

I nod. I really don't want to go, but it's better than Mom making a bigger fool out of me by calling everyone.

"All right, then. I'll confirm with Dr. Volturi." He smiles at Mom then turns his attention back to me. "His office is near the hospital. I'll give you the address—be there today at four."

 ***T***

Jake is leaning against the wall outside Botany class. My first instinct is to turn around because my swollen face can't take another beating right now, but I man up and keep walking.

"Hey," Jake says, standing at his full height when I approach, and fuck, he's huge. No wonder I hurt like hell today. "Can we talk?"

I don't respond.

"You get my texts?" He puts his hand on the door before I can pull it open.

I lift my chin, acknowledging that I did.

"So, what do you say?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"I'd like to apologize for—" he gestures to my face "—you looking like that." He smirks.

I squint my eyes at him, and when I do, one lid closes completely from the swelling. "You sound real sincere, asshole." I pull on the door handle to go inside.

He steps back and follows me to our table. All eyes are on me and my fucked up face again. _Ugh._

Jake takes a seat. "I still need a partner for our project."

"Personal problem, huh?" I sit down, waiting for class to start and stare forward. My tongue plays with the stitches Carlisle put on the inside of my lip—a constant reminder of Jake's rage, Bella, and the shittiness of living in this town.

"We have to suck it up and just do it."

I don't budge.

"Said I'm sorry."

I look at him, so he can really see the damage he did to my face. "You kicked my ass because you think I did Bella wrong."

"Pretty much." He pauses, then has the nerve to look sincere. "But then, she got pissed and told me the entire story. She had left out parts. Kinda like she did with you. She told me she didn't tell you about Ben."

I shake my head.

"You know, in her defense, it's not safe to divulge info like that—hate crimes and all."

I hadn't thought about that. I guess there are mean fuckers out there, but Bella should have known me. We hung out all summer. We kissed. We really liked one another. She did me hella dirty.

"I guess it is what it is," I say.

As much as I want this all to be a dream, for me to wake up and have Bella as Bella and not formerly as Ben, I can't. I also have to realize this wasn't entirely my fault. I think that's why Carlisle and Auntie want me to talk to a shrink.

"I think you should talk to her."

"It won't fix anything."

I tried to fix everything myself when I realized I was falling for Bella. I tried so damn hard to turn that dare around and make it so she didn't get hurt. But, in the end, we both did.

"She wants to apologize, but she's scared."

That must explain those unsent texts. To be honest, I was scared too. The only time I had the courage to send her a text was when I was drunk.

Jake and I don't say anything else the rest of class. When the bell rings, he asks again if we can meet up and start work on our project. I tell him I'll think about it; I haven't decided yet if it's a good idea. Until I get some shit worked out in my head, I can't answer.

 ***T***

"Edward, it's nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Volturi."

He's wearing comfortable clothing, jeans, and a blue, short-sleeve polo shirt; maybe he's on vacation and made an exception to see me for Carlisle. He takes a notebook from his desk and sits down in a leather chair across from me.

"Can you tell me why you're here today?" He smiles, crossing his ankle over his knee and resting the notebook on his leg. He has his high-dollar pen perched, ready to scribble down all my deep, dark bullshit.

I shift uncomfortably in my seat, my face giving away nothing except that there must be issues because it's mangled. "Um." I clear my throat. The words, honest to God, won't come out of my mouth. I need a drink and wish like hell I had the contents of my flask here to wash away this moment.

"Take your time."

I nod, swiping my tongue across the stitches on the inside of my lip.

"I could start with a few questions, if you'd like to do it that way?" he offers.

"Sure."

"I see you've been in a fight recently."

 _No shit, Sherlock._ "Yeah."

"Are you having problems with someone in particular?"

"I guess so."

"Did this happen at school?"

"No."

He nods and his pen starts moving, but he doesn't take his eyes off me.

I swallow hard. I feel like I'm under a microscope, and I hate it. If this whole session is supposed to make me feel better, it's not working. I've already decided I'm not coming back.

"Where did the fight occur?"

"At home."

Dr. Volturi nods again. "Can you tell me who did this to you?"

"A guy."

"Any guy in particular?"

I shrug. "A big guy."

The pen scratches and taps on the paper. "I see."

My fists clench in my lap. "If I had fought back, he would look fucked up too."

His brow lifts in question. "You didn't fight back?"

"No." I'm trying not to breathe heavy, but out of nowhere anxiety surfaces.

"Can you tell me why?"

My tongue goes crazy swiping the stitches, not wanting to answer.

"No judgment here, Edward."

"I de-deserved it." There's pounding in my chest.

Watching his hand slide the pen along the lined, yellow paper, scratching all my secrets into light, is driving me crazy.

"What are you writing?"

"I'm making notes."

"You think I'm crazy, huh? For not fighting back?"

"I don't condone fighting, Edward. But usually, it's instinct for a person to fight back, to protect themselves."

"Like I said—" I hesitate, not wanting to bring Bella's name into it "—I deserved it, I guess."

"Sounds like you're not sure about that."

"Pretty sure."

"Then let's go back a little. Can you tell me why you feel you needed a beating? The background that led up to this incident?"

I'm not saying her name. I can't go there with someone I don't know, relive the painful shit of the last few weeks, even though he is a doctor.

My temper flares. "I didn't say I _needed_ it. I said I _deserved_ it."

"My apologies."

Again, the pen is frantic, scribbling some shit I want to know.

"I'd like to help you, Edward." He lays down the pen and links his fingers together, resting them on the notebook. "I think once you realize that I'm here to help you, and not judge you, then we can make some headway."

"I don't want to be here. Carlisle said I should come, and I only did it so my mom wouldn't call Jake's and Bella's parents."

"Is Jake the person who did this to you?" He motions to my face.

 _Shit. I wasn't going to say names._

"Yeah."

The pen is pinched quickly between his fingers again, ready to resume writing down my miserable life.

"And Bella? Who is she?"

 _Fuck me._

"No one."

His pen is busy, but his eyes are still on me. _How the fuck does he do that?_

"Was Bella there too? When Jake hit you?"

I close my eyes, trying to hide from what's unraveling. I don't want to answer, but my head nods anyway. I want to kick myself; I'm revealing too much.

"And is Bella a friend?"

"Was," I whisper.

"Bella _was_ a friend?"

I nod again.

"Was Bella more than a friend?"

Reluctantly, I open my eyes and find Dr. Volturi watching me. He's trying to read my mind, trying to reach deep down inside and pluck every last secret from within me; I can just fucking tell. I don't blink—it's a sign of weakness and this is a standoff—I'm frozen, showing no emotion. Everything from the summer flashes before me in a matter of seconds.

"Was Bella your girlfriend?" he asks.

A million tiny needles prick at my nose, warning me a storm is coming, forming from the depths of a place I never knew existed—until now. The longing for Bella engulfs me as if I'm a surfer being pulled down, swallowed by angry waves. I gasp for air, and Dr. Volturi watches, his pen assaulting the page beneath—I'm doomed.

"It's okay to let it out, Edward."

My eyes water and I look up to stop them, to halt his assessment of me. I beg like hell for my body not to react; I don't want to look like a fucking pussy. I can fix myself on my own. I am not weak.

But, it's no use.

One by one, tears streak my face, and I lift my hand to wipe them away, surrendering to Dr. Volturi.

And my feelings for Bella.

 _Motherfuck._

I am weak.

A/N:

Thanks again for the love and reviews.

Fun fact: writing and posting is legit a lot of work. Not only on my end but for pre-readers

and betas. My girls are literally on call for me. I write; they read and edit. It's a match made in heaven. It's a long process to bring you entertainment, and they happily do all this while juggling families and jobs.

I can't express enough how much I'm grateful for my friends who polish this story and make me look like I know what I'm doing. ;)

So, raise your glass to Midnight Cougar and EnchantedbyTwilight,

the real MVPs of Tantamount.


	21. Chapter 21

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 21**

Silently, I watch that fancy fucking pen that captured my secrets and set them on paper scribble down my next appointment.

"Thank you, Edward. I'm looking forward to seeing you again," Dr. Volturi says with a kind smile, handing me the card. "You can call me anytime. My number is on the back."

My eyes don't meet his—I'm embarrassed. I cried like a puss, and now they're even more swollen than when I got here, if that's even possible.

"Thanks," I murmur, sliding the card into my pocket as I leave.

I don't go home; instead, I go to the park—to the swings. I need a breather, some peace and quiet from everything and everyone. I'm not sure why I'm here to find calm, since it's the place I started falling for Bella. But surprisingly, after leaving my appointment, it was the only place that felt right.

With my baseball in hand, I exit my truck. The leather is worn and the laces are bumpy in my palm; it feels good, normal, like old times. I take a seat on a swing—the one Bella always used—and hug the chains, breathing in fresh air. My mind clouds with thoughts of her as my thumb smooths over the ball as if it's my security blanket.

Nothing good came from that time. Nothing. But I can't stop thinking about her.

I close my eyes, wishing myself back to Seattle. I choke back a miserable laugh, wishing I could be like that Dorothy bitch in _The_ _Wizard of Oz_ —rub my baseball three times and I'm home. I'd have been there a year ago, if that'd been possible. I groan in frustration and walk the swing backward, then draw up my feet and swing—but not high and carefree like before. That's when I notice my name drawn in the sand. It's partially messed up, but I look closer and know it says Edward.

 _Holy shit._ Bella must have been here.

I leap from the swing, planting my feet firmly in the sand on the E and D, and run toward my truck, whipping out my phone.

She does think about me.

 ***T***

Thank God Dr. Volturi talks me off the ledge as I drive home. As much as I miss Bella, I'm still not sure how to start a conversation with her or if I'm even ready. Dr. Volturi agrees with my feelings and promises me after some sessions I'll be able to deal with what has happened—even though I haven't divulged the whole truth to him, yet.

When I get home, Mom has dinner on the table, but I take a hard pass. I just need to be alone. I'm emotionally tired and want to go to bed.

"Can I at least bring you a plate? she asks, her voice full of concern.

I stop at the bottom of the steps. The look on Mom's face is heartbreaking. I backtrack to where she's standing. "No, I'm not hungry, but thanks, Mom." I think we can both use a hug, so I wrap my arms around her, and it feels good when she does the same. I've needed this for a while.

"I love you, sweetie."

I nod and head for the stairs, taking them two at a time. I just want to get to my room. There's so much to think about—especially, if Bella is dwelling on me as much as I am on her. Seeing Dr. Volturi once a week may not be too bad after all. I need to figure out my feelings about Bella and all this trans shit—I still have so many questions. I'll definitely need someone to help me.

There's a knock at my door when I'm about to crawl in bed.

"Edward?" Carlisle says.

When I open the door, he offers me a plate of food; it's his way of checking up on me.

"Thanks." I take the plate and step back so he can come in.

"I just wanted to let you know that you can always talk to me too—if you want, that is." He puts his hands on his hips and takes a deep breath, looking around my room. "I know it's been tough here for you, and... I'm sorry."

I shrug. I'm not sure what he's expecting me to say. I'm sure as hell not going to tell him it's all right—because it isn't. If he had never moved us here, I'd probably still be fucking Tanya and playing baseball with my friends.

I set the plate on my desk. "I don't want Mom knowing about Bella being transgender."

"I won't tell her." He rubs his hand over his jaw. "But may I ask why?"

I slump into my desk chair, eyeing my sloppy joe. "You don't know what all happened between us last summer, and I don't want to talk about it with anyone except my shrink."

Carlisle walks over to my desk, and I look up at him. "Fair enough, Edward. I'm proud of you for talking to Aro." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "He's the best, and I want what's best for you."

"Thanks."

"I'll tell your mom you're turning in early tonight."

I nod, distracted. "Thanks, Carlisle."

Deciding I am hungry, I grab the plate and take a seat at my window. My eyes wander over to Bella's. I wonder what she's doing—if she's thinking about me, and why she was at the swings. As I look closer, I see her blinds part. She's peeking out, and my heart pounds as our eyes make contact.

But I turn away.

 **A/N:**

 **And, I end this chapter with tears in my eyes. How about you?**

 **Thank you to MC and T.**

 **Thank you all, for your continued support and love.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	22. Chapter 22

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 22**

Forty-one days since my world crashed around me.

Thirty-two days post Seattle.

Three weeks since Jake kicked my ass.

Seven sessions with Dr. Volturi. One shrink-exercise completed.

Twenty days since I saw Bella.

Three days until the Botany project is due.

One hundred and fifty-five fucking days of school until graduation.

Then, I'm outta this town.

 ***T***

"Have you talked to her yet?" Jake asks.

We're sitting at our table in Botany, and he's leaning my way whispering. I haven't completely forgiven him for beating my ass, yet. The stitches are out and my face has healed for the most part, but considering I have a permanent scar on my lip that keeps scabbing, I'd say I'm not one hundred percent.

I shake my head. I haven't said much to him in the way of words, but I know he can read my body language.

"Just wondering. She's—"

I cut him off. "Stop." My fist pounds the table, and everyone turns our way.

 _So much for laying low._

 ***T***

"Have you spoken to Bella since our last session?" Aro asks.

"Not yet." I'm kicked back on his leather couch, arms folded behind my head and feet crossed, taking full advantage of the whole _going to see a shrink_ thing. Plus, I haven't been sleeping well, so I'm a little tired.

"You wrote her a letter three days ago. Did you decide to keep it or give it to her?"

"I kept it." I close my eyes and take three, deep, cleansing breaths, blowing out all the tension that's been squeezing me from the inside. I haven't seen Bella since my first shrink visit.

"Okay, it's up to you whether or not you want to share it with her."

There's no way I'm giving her the letter. My words are raw and blunt.

I had scratched out hurtful things, then rewrote them—the paper began to show my pain. Ink dots bled blue at the end of words from where I had paused, and the upper lefthand corner became rolled and tattered. There had been no way to sugarcoat anything I had to say, and any recipient of the letter would surely cringe from the agony between the lines—especially Bella.

"I decided when I wrote the letter that Bella would never get to read it."

I can hear his pen, that fancy, fucking black pen with gold at each end, scratching away.

"Can you elaborate?"

I can feel him looking at me even with my eyes shut tight. "If something like that ever got out, I'd die."

After I had told Aro the whole truth about what happened over the summer and Bella being trans, he convinced me to write down what was going on in my head, so I did. It took two days of writing, my fingers cramping and my head killing, trying to get all that twisted shit out. Once I had finished the shrink's exercise, I folded the paper. Five times to be exact. Huge shit, now so tiny I could tuck it anywhere, and it wouldn't be noticed.

At the time, I had wondered to myself if I would truly believe that someday I wouldn't notice how emotionally damaged I had become when I was a teen. I even laughed at the thought of how I was trying to make what happened to me go away by simply writing it down.

My torment is now a prisoner inside that folded paper, but that shit still hurts. Since the day I found out about Bella, the ache in my chest hasn't gone away; it's never left, and I wonder if it ever will.

The day I had finished spilling my guts, I had opened my wallet and stuck the damn thing in there for safe keeping.

I carry the letter with me, and I probably always will.

 ***T***

Aro has helped me understand that Bella should have told me she's transitioning as soon as our feelings for one another started to grow. He also told me that what I did wasn't that great either.

 _Well, no shit._

He's encouraged me to read the letter periodically. He says it'll help heal my wounds, but I disagree. I've read it at least a hundred times, and I'm still affected by it all. Every word of what I wrote is true.

I know it wasn't all Bella; it was me, too. I've owned it. I've always owned it, but for weeks I've been avoiding her because I'm not sure she owns her shit. I still eat lunch in my truck, Snapchatting and texting my old friends, trying to feel normal again. Even though the whispering and pointing has died down, I'd rather be out there. I've even had some long chats with Auntie while I'm eating. She's proud of my willingness to speak to Dr. Volturi. I'm glad I'm going to therapy, too. One thing I've noticed is Bella isn't sitting by the building at lunch, but I chalk that up to the cool October weather.

"Yo, where you at, dude?" I say into my phone, knowing it's Jake. We have to finish our project since it's due in three days.

"I'll be there in thirty." The phone disconnects and I set it on the kitchen counter.

I sigh. I have to convince Mom what happened between us is typical boy shit before he gets here.

"Edward, I'm just not comfortable with that boy in our home. He hurt you."

"Mom, please listen." I huff. "He's apologized to me, and everything is good. I promise."

Mom sighs and shakes her head, concerned. "I don't know."

"Esme, we need to move on," Carlisle says. "Let it go. As long as Jake keeps his hands to himself, then everything should be fine."

I nod, agreeing with my stepdad. "He's my assigned partner for the project. I can't get out of it anyway."

"Fine. But I'll be listening closely—" she finishes arranging the flowers Carlisle brings her each week in a vase and scoots it aside "—but I'm still pissed."

"Mom! Language," I tease and run upstairs.

 **A/N:**

 **Thank you for the new follows, favorites, recs, and reviews.**

 **My heart is so full right now with the love I'm receiving. Xo**

 **I have some exciting news!**

 **I've been asked to write for the Babies At The Border Fiction Compilation. I'm writing a BPOV outtake, so make sure you join the group on Facebook and sign up for a copy of the compilation. It's $10 and goes to a great cause. There will be a ton of amazing authors contributing, too.**

 **I've posted the link in my Facebook group, Stories by OhGeeFantasy.**

 **So much love for my girls, T and MC**

 **Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the work you put into this story.**

 **xoxo,**

 **OhGee**


	23. Chapter 23

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 23**

"Man, your mom busted my balls down there," Jake says, pointing his thumb over his shoulder.

I huff out a laugh and turn off the TV.

I overheard her grilling his ass when she answered the door to let him in. I took my time going downstairs so Jake would sweat a little, and obviously, it worked.

He looks frazzled right now. Mom can be a little firecracker sometimes, and today, she's showing out, making herself understood—loud and crystal clear.

"I'm her baby boy—what'd you expect?" I smirk.

Jake's face was red when I intercepted him at the front door. I told Mom I'd be okay, so she backed down, and reluctantly, she let him brush past her to come inside.

"Damn, dude. I told her a billion times I was sorry." He sits at my desk and folds his hands behind his head. "Do you think she'd really cut off my balls?" His face scrunches as if he can already feel the pain.

"She said that?" I bust out laughing.

"Goddamn right, she did! And I swear her eyes looked like the devil."

I pull up another chair to the desk and sit. "Guess you better guard your nads then."

 ***T***

Our potted plants, diagram, and verbal presentation are complete after working all evening. Mom only bugged us twice, and the last time was when she offered us chocolate chip cookies. At first, Jake was hesitant to eat them, saying Mom probably poisoned his portion, but then once I ate one he was okay. She must have gotten her point across, though, because Jake is seriously taking her threats of harm to heart.

"Don't get mad, but I want to ask you something," Jake says.

"What?" I answer, though I'm pretty sure he's going to bring up Bella. My eyes dart to the window. My blinds are closed, and I've kept them that way since I started going to therapy sessions with Aro. I'm not ready to see Bella yet.

"Why won't you talk to Bella?"

I stare at him because, honestly, I'm not sure. It just doesn't feel right at the moment.

"I don't know what to say."

"Sorry is a good start."

I shake my head. "It's not that easy."

"I mean I know she owes you an apology too, and I'm pretty sure she wants to tell you. Believe me; I chewed her ass out after I beat you up. That was fucked up she didn't tell you about being Ben."

"Yeah."

"She's pretty messed up over this deal. You meant a lot to her." He sighs. "Over the summer, we talked a lot. She told me she was having fun with a cool guy, and she really liked him. Like, _liked_ him. Her words."

I look at him. I don't know how I feel hearing that come from Jake.

"Yeah, well, she fucked up any chances of ever being with me again." My voice rises. I'm still pissed how everything went down. My life isn't back to normal—if you call living in Forks normal—but I'm also not so sure I mean what I just blurted out.

"Dude, sorry. I want to help you two. It can't be healthy living all mad and shit."

"I'm seeing a shrink already, okay? I don't need two of them." I put my binder back in my backpack and stand so he knows it's time for him to go. "And keep that shit to yourself."

"Yeah, of course, man," he mutters. "Just trying to help."

Once Jake leaves, I'm draining the rest of my flask.

 ***T***

On Friday, Jake and I do our presentation. When the teacher hands us our paper with a red A written at the top, we high-five.

"We're celebrating, dude," Jake says.

"Really?" I laugh at how excited he is.

"Hell, yeah. I bet my mom I'd make straight A's this year."

My smile falls. Even though Jake's bet is an innocent one, I don't want to hear that word ever again.

Jake punches my shoulder with his fist playfully. "What's wrong, man? We fucking kicked ass on this!"

I shake my head. "Nothing."

He scrunches his brows together, and a minute later, it literally looks like a light bulb moment. His eyes go wide and his mouth makes an O.

He nods. "My bad. It's the bet thing, huh?"

I mirror his nod.

"Let's go out tonight. Pizza and whatever else sounds like fun."

"I don't know."

"You need a night out of the cave."

"The cave?"

He smirks. "Yeah, the cave. Your room was dark as shit the other night with the blinds closed. I was afraid if I looked up, I'd see bats hanging from the ceiling."

"Dramatic, much?"

"That's the pot calling the other pot black."

"You mean kettle, dumbass." I laugh and stuff my notebook in my backpack.

Jake shrugs. "I was close."

The bell rings, and I shrug on my backpack and head toward the door. "I guess I can grab a pizza with you tonight."

"That's what I like to hear." Jake slaps me on the back, making me stumble into the oncoming foot-traffic in the hallway.

"Ouch, asshole."

"Fuck, I'm sorry. Don't tell your mom. Okay?"

I pull out my phone. "I'm calling her now."

He looks genuinely scared.

"I'm teasing, pussy."

Jake pretends to wipe his brow. "I'll pick you up at seven."

 ***T***

Mario's Pizzeria is packed when we arrive. We wait a couple of minutes by the arcade games until a table opens up. A lot of kids are at the football game tonight, but a few people I recognize from school are here doing the same thing we are—chilling out and eating after a week of school.

"Wanna split a large pepperoni?" Jake asks, then sets aside the menu.

I'm distracted by all the noise and the people in such a tiny space, but it feels good being out of the house and with a friend. "Sure." I exhale, and realize I consider Jake a friend. "Can we add sausage too?"

"Whatever is good with me." Jake's phone pings with a text, and he concentrates on replying to the sender.

The waitress comes by, and I order our food since Jake is occupied thoroughly with the text. I can't decide if the look on his face is concerned or pissed.

"You all right, dude?" I ask.

"Um, yeah." He types one last thing, lays down his phone, and takes his jacket off.

I notice he's wearing a Cubs T-shirt.

"You a Cubbies fan?"

"Sure am. I love baseball."

"No shit? Me too."

"I saw your baseball stuff in your room the other night. You play last year?" Jake asks, taking a sip of his water the waitress left at our table.

"Nah, the Forks team sucks."

"Then you should have gone out and shown them up." Jake laughs. "If you're that good and all."

"All-State pitcher, right here, baby," I tease.

"Catcher extraordinaire." He points to himself.

"We should try out for the team and show them what real players look like."

"I had planned on it, but you'd do that?"

"Fuck yeah I would—if I have a bomb-ass catcher who can handle my pitches."

Our pizza arrives, and we dig in. Eating and shooting the shit about everything baseball. I find out he's hoping for a college scholarship and eventually, making it to the majors. I have the same dream.

"I took off last season. I bet that hella hurt my chance at a scholarship," I say.

"If you're good enough, no college would be stupid to pass you by."

I nod, because he's right. "We should start training." I bite into another piece of pizza, and for the first time in forever, I'm hopeful this year isn't going to be as shitty as I thought. "Open gym starts in January and tryouts are in February, but you and I can do weights and shit on our own somewhere."

"I'm down."

Our waitress interrupts. "Are you boys ready for some dessert?"

"No thanks," we say in unison.

"I'll be right back with your ticket then." She gives us a wink and walks away.

I just nod because Jake and I are in the zone with talk about our favorite sport. We are planning out how we're going to dominate the field come spring. A piece of paper slides my way, and I reach for my wallet, ready to pay.

Jake goes silent, and I follow his line of vision. Bella is there, standing at our table, and what's lying on the table isn't our receipt.

It's a letter.

"S-Sorry," she whispers. She's kind of a mess—her hair is down and tangled, and she's in old sweats and a hoodie.

"Bella, I told you not to come here," Jake says, concern written all over his face as he glances between Bella and me.

But the last thing he needs to worry about is me making a scene. People in town have finally stopped staring and pointing at me. There's no way in hell I'm giving anyone ammo to start that shit again.

Tears appear in Bella's eyes. "Sorry," she mutters again. "I-I'm leaving. I jus...just want you to have this." She scoots the pink envelope my way.

I'm stunned and numb. I have no words. I just stare at the envelope.

Then out of the corner of my eye, I watch Bella turn away and bolt toward the door.

 **A/N:**

 **Thank you for waiting on this chapter. My life got super busy the last few days with kiddos.**

 **For everyone asking about Bella, you'll find out more soon.**

 **I appreciate your love, support, and kind reviews. I'm still not responding to all reviews, and I apologize, but I have limited time. (I won't bore you with the details)**

 **And, as always, I have soooo much love for MC and T for making this story shine.**

 **Thank you!**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	24. Chapter 24

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 24**

After Bella leaves Mario's, a few people are staring at us, but I look away, hoping the Forks rumor mill doesn't start up again. I lay some cash on the table for the pizza so we can get the hell out of here.

"I shouldn't have told her I was with you," he says. "I really am sorry, man. I told her not to come here." Jake adds cash to mine to cover the rest of the bill and grabs the last slice of pizza, stuffing part of it in his mouth as we get up to leave.

"It's whatever. Just take me home." I tuck the letter in the pocket of my jacket, keeping my hand over it until I'm in Jake's truck. "I knew it was only a matter of time before we'd run into one another."

On the way home, my mind drifts, wondering what she wrote, but Jake wants to keep talking baseball.

"When do you want to start working out?" he asks.

"Uh."

Maybe he's trying to turn the night around and get my mind off what just went down, but I can't think straight.

"I don't know."

All I can think about is the fucking pink letter and how ragged Bella looked. Her eyes didn't shine—the pain masking the amber flecks that I thought were so pretty—and her hair looked messy, as if she'd been twisting it around nervous fingers.

"We could start on Monday before school."

"Okay." Maybe exercise will help my current stress level. Aro mentioned that to me the other day—it definitely won't hurt anything.

"My dad's friend, Waylon, has a small gym in town. We could go there. It has some machines, but mostly free weights."

"Cool." I put my hand back on the letter, my finger toying with the flap.

"We could practice pitching and catching too, if you want."

"I gotta buy a new mitt first." I look out the window. "Listen, I need to get home. Can you hurry?"

Jake takes his eyes off the road for a second, eyeing me. "Can't wait to read what Bella gave you?"

I shake my head. "I'm not sure if it even matters."

Jake sighs. "I'm going to go check on her when we get to your house. She didn't look so good."

"Will you tell her…" I say without thinking.

"Tell her what?" he asks, as he turns onto my street.

"Um, nothing. It's okay."

 ***T***

"Hi, sweetie," Mom says when I open the front door. She's sitting next to Carlisle on the couch, watching TV. "How was dinner?

"Hi. It was good," I say.

"Are you okay?" Carlisle asks.

He's studying me. I'm getting uncomfortable and inching my way to the stairs. "Yeah, I'm fine." I fake a smile. "I'm tired, so I'm gonna go upstairs and watch a movie. Night."

"Goodnight," Mom says. "Oh, I need your help in the morning, please."

 ***T***

The letter is out of my pocket and opened by the time I'm at the top of the stairs. The paper smells like Bella's perfume, so I hold it to my nose and breathe in.

I shut my door, lean against it, and close my eyes. Immediately, I'm lost in her scent—familiar and sweet. And fuck, she probably knew exactly what she was doing by spraying her perfume on it.

I kick off my shoes and lay the letter on my bed before stripping down to my boxers. For the first time in weeks, I go to my window and lift the blinds a crack to look out. Jake's truck is in front of Bella's house, but I don't see anyone outside. It figures with it getting cooler, but a part of me wants to see her again, and a huge part of me wants Jake to let me know if she's okay.

I flip on the TV and crawl into bed. I don't really give a shit what's on. All I care about is what's in my hand.

The letter.

 **A/N:**

 **I know this was a super short chapter; however, I wanted to give you something to read this week. I think I'm only going to be able to post once a week for a while. I have some things that need my attention, and around the first of August, my boyfriend is taking me on vacation for ten days! Trust me when I say I NEED some relaxation in the mountains with my man.**

 **Thanks to my girls, MC and T.**

 **Xo**

 **OhGee**


	25. Chapter 25

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 25**

The sweet smell of the letter in my hands does nothing to mask the sour feeling in my gut. I swallow thickly and lay it down beside me. Reaching under my bed for my already-full flask, I prepare myself to read what she has to say. I've been leaning on liquid courage the past couple of months—Aro knows, and has suggested I stop, but fuck him.

The cool metal in my palm, delivering the burning alcohol to my system, is the only normal I've felt in a while. I wait a few seconds, take one more gulp before I screw on the lid tight, and return it to its spot under my bed. Picking up the letter one more time, I bring it to my nose and close my eyes as I breathe her in.

It's now or never.

When I open my eyes, I unfold the paper and see my name in her handwriting. It's the same writing I saw in the sand, and it takes everything I have not to bawl like a fucking baby.

 _Edward,_

 _I just want to say I'm sorry and explain why I didn't tell you about Ben._

 _When you came over to my house that first time to help me with the box in my closet, you were nice to me. And that day you asked me to the movies. It was the first time a guy had ever asked me out. Even though I knew it was just as friends, it felt good. But when you kept asking me to hang out with you, I thought maybe you saw something in me that no one else in this town did...a person, a girl who just wants to be like everyone else. And when we finally held hands, it was the first time since I became Bella that I thought anyone would want me_ _. It was also the first time_ _I'd ever felt the way I did when I was with you. Butterflies danced in my stomach, and I couldn't stop smiling. I wonder if you noticed that or not? I felt silly, but I just enjoyed that moment with you. You were kind to me that day and all the other days we hung out, and we had fun. I felt normal and carefree when I was with you._

 _Honestly, I didn't think about the Ben thing, not until after our first kiss. I was trying to figure out a way to tell you, I swear I was, but I wanted to wait. I didn't want to lose you so soon. I know that was completely selfish of me. I figured if you liked me as much as I liked you, then when I finally had the courage to tell you, you'd eventually be okay with it._

 _You never knew me as anyone other than Bella, and to me, that was a plus because I didn't have to prove anything to you. I could just be myself. You liked me as me too. I know none of that probably makes sense, and I'm sure it pisses you off. It'd piss me off if I were in your shoes. But I didn't know how to come out and tell you_ _—j_ _ust like you didn't know how to tell me about the dare. I was scared_ _—terrified actually_ _. But I forgive you for that. At one point, I thought you knew about me since you were friends with Emmett and Jasper, but I know that still doesn't excuse the fact I didn't tell you. After a few years, I got used to EVERYONE in this stupid town knowing I am a transgender. A big part of me wanted you to know my secret already, because then, it would mean it didn't bother you._

 _All I can think about now is how much I miss you. You probably don't care, but I do miss you. I know I messed up_ _—_ _really BAD_ _—_ _and again I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it all back. Most of all, I wish I had never met you_ _—_ _because now, I have to figure out a way to forget about you. And I'm having a really_ _hard time doing that._

 _I'm sorry I hurt you, Edward. I know words aren't enough, but I'm sorry_ _—for everything_ _. And especially_ _for wasting your time._

 _Bella_

 **A/N:**

 **Thank you for reading and reviewing.**

 **Midnight Cougar and EnchantedbyTwilight, love you both!**

 **Join Stories by OhGeeFantasy on Facebook, for update notices, teasers, and other shenanigans.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 26**

Bella's letter fucking wrecks me. She sounds broken; her words, true and from her heart, wound me with each painful declaration.

My chin trembles as I read, and I press my lips together to make it stop, but it's no use. Emotion rises to the surface, and tears streak my cheeks.

Though, through the blur, one thing is clear: the ugliness of Bella living in a world unaccepting of her transition. Not even the perfume I love can make what she's written in this letter pretty. But she sprayed it anyway; I know she did. To mask her pain or to lessen mine. Either way, she's taking all the blame when I know I'm to blame too.

I grip the letter to my chest when I'm finished reading. My tears eventually dry on my face like war paint for the internal battle I'm waging with myself.

 _Do I text her? Do I acknowledge I even read this?_

I'm paralyzed with fear over contacting Bella, but I know I should. If I decide to talk to her, am I gay? My mind goes back to the blog for the millionth time—no, I'm not gay. Will others perceive me as gay? Yes, probably so—at least until Bella has her surgery. I'll be considered a dick lover. _Fuck!_

I've never wanted Bella to suffer like this, or to feel the pain she's dealing with right now. I don't want it for myself either. I have no idea what she went through before I knew her when she came forward as Bella. All I know is I'm not brave like she is and I fear now for my own salvation in this fucking town. I wonder if she still does too. The only thing I've accomplished so far is I've avoided the one person who actually made my life in Forks better.

Jake must be leaving Bella's because I hear the rumbling of his truck when it starts. My phone is in my hand, fingers ready to type, because I need to know how she is.

 **Is she okay?**

 _ **I'm getting ready to leave, and not really.**_

 **I think I'm going to text her.**

 _ **You should. Dude, I'm worried about her.**_

I need more alcohol, but I don't reach for my flask. I have to be coherent when I talk to Bella—it's the least I can do, for both of us.

My mouth is as dry as cotton, and my hands are slick. That's fucked up, but so is everything else in my world.

I open the last text between the two of us and type.

 **I read your letter.**

Shit, I should say something else. She just poured out her heart to me, but I wait a few seconds. There's no response, so I text again.

 **Thanks for saying all that.**

I wait for what seems like an eternity, and when I'm about to give up, I see the three little dots. Finally, the text I hoped for comes through.

 _ **I meant it.**_

Now's the perfect time to just swallow my pride or whatever the fuck it is that's keeping me from Bella.

 **Can we talk?**

I press send before I'm ready.

 **In person?**

Her text comes quicker this time.

 _ **Yes.**_

My hands get wetter and my mouth drier at the thought of finally being near her again.

 **Can you meet me at the swings at midnight?**

My stomach does somersaults, and I feel like puking.

 _ **I can try.**_

I bolt toward the bathroom and spew my dinner in the toilet, then sit on the edge of the tub with my phone in my hands.

 **Okay.**

What the hell am I doing? I want to back out; I do. But I can't because I have to figure out a way to live in this town, and next door to Bella, and not go insane. I inhale, begging myself to have a little courage. My mouth tastes like shit, so I get up and brush my teeth, and try to figure out what I want to say to her.

 ***T***

The house is quiet at eleven-thirty when I sneak downstairs. At this point, though, I'm not sure I care if Mom and Carlisle know I'm leaving. Carlisle would understand, but I'd have to explain things to Mom, and I'm not in the mood. I'm not even sure I want her knowing about Bella, yet, if ever. So, I tiptoe out the back door.

Cold air hits me in the face as soon as I'm on the deck and chills me bone-deep. I pull my hoodie over my head and hurry to my truck, second-guessing why I want to meet at the park. I notice Bella's car is still in her driveway and I wonder if she'll really meet me or not. I can't say I'd be surprised if she says fuck it and stays home, but I take my chances and start my truck, then back out of the driveway. I drive slow so I can rehearse what I want to say to Bella, but I get tongue-tied—everything that comes out of my mouth sounds twisted and stupid.

Hitting the steering wheel with my hand, I groan in frustration.

"Get it together, dip shit," I say to myself. My eyes are swollen from crying like a puss when I read the letter. I need to suck it up and pretend I'm okay, so Bella can't see I'm a total wreck.

The park is dark and desolate at this time of night—it looks lonely and sad. Fall has come. It's not like summertime with crazy kids running around and parents on park benches. I cut the engine and let my eyes adjust to the darkness, soaking up the last bit of warmth in the cab before getting out.

I head toward the swing set, but the memories of the two of us swinging stop me. I veer off to a nearby tree instead, taking a seat on the cold, leaf-covered ground and wait. The swings were our happy place, and meeting there doesn't seem appropriate right now.

Digging my phone out of my hoodie, I check the time and if I have any missed messages. That's when I hear Bella's car in the distance. I jump up and hide in the shadow of the tree. After a few minutes, her car door creaks open, and Bella gets out, hesitantly shutting it behind her. I watch as I did at school during lunchtime. She wrings her hands, looking at my truck, then turns to the darkness of the park.

Bella takes a few steps, then stops at the front end of her car. "E-Edward?" she says. "I can't see you..." Her voice trails off.

I clear my throat, which startles her.

Bella yelps and steps backward.

"Over here," I say. I don't want her to change her mind and leave.

She hesitates, then hugs her body and walks slowly toward where I'm standing. Sand crunches under her sneakers with each careful step.

As Bella nears, fear sets in, and I'm frozen. It's the first time I've seen her alone in so long, and I have mixed emotions. Her hoodie is up, and I can't see her face in the dark. I'm sure if I could, though, I'd want to hug her. But I still want to shake her for not coming clean with me.

So, after everything that's fucking gone down, there's no way I can just reach out and do what I really want to.

There's too much hurt.

She's about twenty feet away when I start walking toward her. We both stop at a comfortable distance.

"Hey," I whisper, and rub the back of my neck. "Th-thanks for coming." I look up, and that's when I see her tears.

 **A/N**

 **Hi! Thank you for reading my story. My goal is to post once a week; however, my trip is right around the corner, so I'm not sure how posting is going to go down.**

 **Please know I'm so freaking committed to this story and several people are asking/suggesting I publish. Hmm. Lol**

 **Anyway, that's up for debate.**

 **Thank you to my team for making my chapters presentable.**

 **Xo**

 **OhGee**


	27. Chapter 27

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 27**

Bella wipes tears from her cheeks. "Hi," she whispers.

She's shivering, and I'm kicking myself for suggesting we meet at the park at this hour. But I want to talk in person, and I know we won't be seen together here.

"We can sit in my truck if you want."

"I'm okay."

I nod and hook my thumbs in my hoodie pockets. "I read your letter." My voice comes out a little too harsh, and her eyes fall to the sidewalk.

"Yeah," she says.

"I, um." I take a few steps forward, and she backs up the same few steps. "I just wanted to tell you that…" I stuff my hands deeper into my hoodie and make a point to soften my voice. I can see she's nervous. "I wanted to say...I'm sorry too."

Bella looks at me, her eyes fall back to the sidewalk. She nods. "Thanks."

"Hey, I never meant to hurt you," I say. "And I get what you said in your letter about not wanting to lose me, but I'm pissed too."

Bella nods and pinches her hoodie together at the neck, bringing it up to cover her chin to keep warm.

It seems like we stand there forever. Our whole relationship replays in my head, and I fight back tears.

Bella breaks the silence. "C-Can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Did you truly like being with me, or was it all just fake...so you could win that bet?" Her brows pinch together when she looks up, waiting for my answer.

"Bella, we had a fucking great time together. You were my friend and then…" I chew on my lip, fucking terrified to admit anything romantic out loud.

She closes the gap between us. "And then what?" she asks.

I almost forget to breathe, but her sweet perfume invades my nose. Shutting my eyes, I inhale, and when I open them, she's right in front of me. But I can't reach out and touch her. I won't let myself. "Because you let me fall for you," I whisper.

"You–you were falling for me?" More tears leak from her eyes, and she wipes them away before they roll down her cheeks. "I have to know, Edward."

"Yes." I look over at the swing set, remembering how much fun we had and how easy it was to be with her. "Yes," I say again, looking into the saddest brown eyes.

Bella reaches out to touch my arm, but I angle my body before her fingers connect. I'm not sure I can handle the consequences if that spark between us is still there.

"Sorry." Her voice cracks. "I know that's probably not enough."

"No." I shake my head. "It's not." I'm gutted that in reality the person standing in front of me is still sort of a guy. I'd give anything for it to be the other way around.

Bella covers her face with her hands. "I'm so fucking sorry." Sobs rip from her throat.

I'm at a loss for words, but not for tears. I dry them before she notices.

"Holy fuck!" It just hits me what I've done. I'm not sure I'm ready to admit to her that I still have feelings for her, because it sure feels like I do. "We shouldn't have come here tonight."

Bella turns her back to me, her body shaking and heaving from crying. I can't help myself; my body reacts before my mind tells it not to. Reaching out, I pull her to me and wrap her in my arms. She shudders as she turns into me and hugs me around my waist, burying her face deep into my chest.

My head tips down, breathing her in. She feels good in my arms—so fucking good. Tears that I've tried to hold in slowly drip onto the fabric of her hoodie. I hold her tighter as if she's the cure to my misery, knowing damn well she's the cause.

I'm not sure how long we stand here, but I'm suddenly exhausted and my eyes burn from crying. The wind picks up, and it feels colder than when we got here. Unwrapping her arms from my body, I link my hand with hers and silently lead her back to the parking lot.

I may have fucked up by meeting Bella here tonight. I thought I was doing the right thing—for her and for me—but actually, I feel awful. And I'm even more confused.

I need to talk to Aro.

 **A/N**

 **Just a reminder: this story is ANGST.**

 **I'm writing from a teenage boy's POV.**

 **It's not politically correct—it's raw and real and fucked up.**

 **AND 100% FICTION.**

 **You won't hurt my feelings if you bail. I'll completely understand.**

 **I just felt the need to remind everyone reading this that it's going to get ugly before anything else.**

 **I make no promises on the outcome.**

 **Thank you for reading and reviewing.**

 **MC and T, you both are amazing, and I love you both for being there for me.**

 **XO,**

 **OhGee**


	28. Chapter 28

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 28**

As we reach the parking lot and pause, Bella looks up at me and her hand slips from mine. We don't say a word to each other before we get into our vehicles. I'm not even sure how we are leaving things, but it's late, and I'm fucking tired. She doesn't look any better than I feel. But all I know is, I need my bed and some space to think about what happened tonight.

I follow Bella home and stay in my truck, watching until she's inside her house—like I used to. I don't go inside until I see the light turn on in her room, then I make my way inside my house as quietly as I can. Luckily, I'm up the stairs in seconds without being noticed.

Once I'm in my bedroom, I collapse on my bed, ready for sleep. But first, I reach for the letter on my nightstand, wanting to read it again. It's no easier this time around.

I fall asleep with it clutched in my hand and a goddamn lump in my throat.

 ***T***

 _Tap, tap, tap._

"Edward," Mom calls from the other side of the door. "Time to get up."

Rolling over, I look at my clock. _Fucking A._ It's seven a.m.

"I need your help, remember? Get up." She's entirely too happy in the morning.

"Ugh, Mom. Why so early?" I bury my head under my pillow, thinking maybe she'll quit being so relentless.

The door opens and she walks over to my bed, pulling my pillow-shield away.

"Because, we have to decorate this morning, and I need your muscle."

"Where's Carlisle?" I groan. I'm being difficult, but fuck me, I'm exhausted.

"Working." She's annoyed and tosses my pillow on the bed. "We need to hurry so I can start preparing the food too, so quit complaining."

My eyes are closed, but I can imagine she has her hip cocked and one hand resting on it.

"I don't even know why a fall cookout, slash Carlisle-promotion dinner is necessary." I huff. "Who even goes to those things anyway?"

"Lots of people."

"Like who?" I'm stalling because my bed is hella comfortable, and as long as my ass is lying down, then I'm happy.

"Like Carlisle's co-workers, a few of our friends from Seattle, Auntie and Uncle, some neighbors, and of course, Bella's family."

"What? Why?" I ask. I heard Mom clear as day, but Bella's family has never been invited to a dinner or a cookout. Not that we've had many, but it's weird they're coming.

"I thought you'd like Bella here. However, Carlisle and Charlie have become friends, not to mention Sue is nice and I like her. Anyway, stop stalling. I know what you're trying to do. Now, get...what's this?" Mom asks.

Opening one eye, I see she's bending down, picking something up off the floor. I sit straight up when I notice Bella's letter in her hand.

"Nothing! It's none of your business." I snatch it away.

Her face morphs into a scowl.

I tuck the letter underneath me, and die a little. I'd be mortified if Mom read any part of that letter. I'm not sure how I'd explain.

Mom interrupts my thoughts. "I won't read your little love letter."

"It's not!" I get out of bed, grabbing the letter from under my covers and my phone off the nightstand, then brush past her, and make my way to the bathroom.

"It's pink, must be from a girl. Maybe Bella?" She giggles. Somehow, she's less annoyed now that I've moved my ass off the bed.

"Shut up," I mumble under my breath.

"What'd you say?" she asks.

"Leave me alone, will ya? I need a minute to myself before you work me to death."

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed, huh?"

Stripping out of my clothes, I fire back, "I wouldn't have if someone hadn't woken me up." _So fucking early_ , I finish in my head.

The shower is almost too hot, but I stay under the spray until I'm fully awake, skin hot pink and numb. All I can think about is last night when I held Bella in my arms—she felt so good. And then when we walked to our cars and I took Bella's hand—it almost felt...natural. God, will we ever hold hands again? Do I even want that? I'm still so confused.

I groan as I turn off the shower. I wonder if Bella will show up at our party tonight? If she does, how am I going to handle it? Maybe I need a friend here as a buffer.

I wrap a towel around my waist and get my phone off the counter. Opening a text to Jake I type:

 **Wanna hang at my place tonight?**

A few minutes pass. I'm dressed and on my way down to help Mom, when I receive a reply.

 _ **It's the ass crack of dawn.**_

 **No shit. My mom woke me up an hour ago to help her get ready for a fucking party.**

 _ **So, what, you need me to hold your hand at your parents' party? I'm touched, man.**_

 **Can you come or not?**

 _ **That's what she said**_ **.**

 **Just get your ass over here at 7. And thanks.**

 _ **Okay, I'll be there.**_

Then, a couple of minutes later, I get another text from Jake.

 _ **And you're fucking welcome.**_

I'm smiling as I walk into the kitchen to find Mom already organizing party supplies.

"You certainly look like you're in a better mood," Mom says, handing me a box of streamers and stuff.

I shrug. "Well, you've always told me, if you can't beat 'em, join em'."

She's laughing as she follows me outside into the backyard with her own armload.

It kinda feels good to be doing something with Mom. At least maybe it'll help me stop stressing about what's going to happen tonight.

But then, as I drop my last box on the patio table, I make the mistake of looking over my shoulder at Bella's window, and all the calm I felt leaves just as fucking fast.

"What's wrong?" Mom asks.

"Oh...I was just…it's nothing."

Mom steps over to me and looks up into my face, serious and with concern. "Edward, I hope you know, there isn't anything you could tell me that would make me not love you. I've turned a blind eye to some things lately, thinking when you were ready you'd come talk to me." She touches my arm. "You're my son, and I love you. I know being a teenager is hard, so if there's anything you want to share with me, I'm ready to listen."

I look Mom in the eyes, and decide; maybe it's time to come clean with her soon.

 **A/N:**

 **For those of you wondering about my vacation, it was AMAZING. I'm already missing the mountains of Colorado, and my boyfriend's hometown of Salt Lake City. I'm wanting to skip town again and run away...FOREVAH!**

 **I'm also 50 and fabulous now. Ha ha! I'm pretty much celebrating all month with anything that contains sugar. ;)**

 **Thank you all for your continued support.**

 **T and MC, thank you for doing your thing.**

 **XO,**

 **OhGee**


	29. Chapter 29

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 29**

The temperature is dipping in Forks, but earlier Mom had said, "It'll be fine, Edward. It's just a typical autumn night in the Northwest, and our party guests will hardly notice."

That was hours ago. Now, I call bullshit as I rub my hands together, warming them over white-hot, blistering wood. The flames glow orange and yellow in the fire pit, licking at the metal sides like agitated vipers warning their prey. I can't decide whether I should finish what Mom wants me to do before the party, because it's stupid as hell. She'd be pissed off, though, so I pull out the list and continue to soak up the warmth while I go over it again.

 _ **Light fire pit**_

 _ **Light Tiki Torches**_

 _ **Put cushions on lawn furniture**_

 _ **Turn on twinkle lights**_

 _ **Start the grill**_

I roll my eyes at her to-do list. I doubt anyone will want to hang out on the patio unless they're smoking, no matter how pretty it looks out here.

Guests start arriving. Vehicle doors shut, and with each car alarm activated, I know the house will be packed soon. The weather is turning shittier by the minute, and I imagine hurried footsteps scrambling up the driveway to the front door—because again, it's fucking cold, and the wind is blowing now. The streamers I helped put up this morning are long gone.

People fill the house in no time. I see them through the kitchen windows with drinks in their hands and smiles on their faces; it makes me dread going inside. I'm not happy; I'm blah. I've done so much thinking my brain is like goddamn oatmeal. I look for Bella through the crowd, but from where I stand at the back of the yard, I can't see shit.

My nerves get the best of me when I think of last night in the park—hugging her, holding her hand, and how things were left hanging. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now, or how I'm supposed to act. It's not as though things can go back to how they were, no matter how badly I want it to. It's not that easy like the fun summer we had together—it's complicated. She still has a dick, and I still don't like them.

Maybe she'll change her mind and stay home, and I won't have to figure out how to act around her.

Patting my jacket, I find the flask I stashed in my pocket. I knew I was going to need a drink tonight.

Turning my back to the house, I unscrew the top and take a mouth full of Fireball. It burns so good, and I take another, trying to calm the anxiety rising to the surface.

"Wanna share that?" a voice calls from the darkened driveway.

The flask slips from my grip, but I manage to catch it. My precious Fireball spills on the patio and my hands, but there's still plenty to get my buzz on.

Jake comes into view with a stupid smirk on his face, and I flash him my middle finger.

"It's only me, dickhead."

"You fucking scared me, shady motherfucker." I screw the lid on the flask and put it back in my pocket, wiping my hands on my jeans.

Jake laughs. "Delinquent."

"You know it." I toss the lighter to Jake, hitting him in the chest before it falls to the ground. "Some catcher you are."

"With a throw like that, the Forks' team is gonna suck again this year."

I smirk, and he laughs again as he picks the Bic up from the ground.

"I asked for a drink not a smoke."

"Make yourself useful, asshole," I say, pointing to the torch nearby. "Light these, then I'll share my flask."

"You really think people are coming out here tonight?" Jake pulls up his jacket around his neck and slides his beanie over his head.

"No, but tell that to my mom."

"Hell no." Jake shakes his head.

Just then, the back door opens and Mom peeks her head out. "I think you're right, sweetie. I don't think anyone is ready to brave this chilly weather." She giggles and takes a drink from the wine glass in her hand. She's on her way to getting drunk, just as I am. "Do you mind grilling the burgers and dogs?"

"I guess not," I answer, a little annoyed she didn't just call off the party. At least I'll have something to occupy my time and won't have to socialize with everyone inside.

Jake joins me at the fire pit after the last torch is lit. "Bella said her family is invited."

"Yeah." I grit my teeth, trying to figure out how I can ditch the party without Mom noticing.

"I talked to her today. She's doesn't want to come." He says it as if he has the answers to all the questions filling up my head. "Flask me." He holds out his hand, waiting for me to hand it over.

I give it to him and he takes a drink. If Bella doesn't want to come, then maybe she's over me and I should be over her too. I have always known she is much stronger than I am, so it wouldn't surprise me.

"She said she met you at the park last night."

I nod. I wonder if she told him what happened. Jake may know the details, but I'm afraid to ask.

The pine wood crackles and pops as we hand the flask back and forth. When there's nothing left, I put it back in my jacket for safekeeping.

Mom breaks the silence between us. "Here's the meat." She sets the platter on one of the tables next to the grill on the deck. "Make sure you don't burn it." She giggles and waves. "Oh, hi, Jake."

"Hi, ma'am." Hesitantly, he waves to Mom, whispering under his breath, "I've never seen her like this. I thought she hated me."

Mom put the fear of Jesus in that kid after he beat my ass. "She's psycho, so watch your back," I tease. The look on Jake's face makes me laugh. "I'm kidding, man."

Mom goes inside, and we finish the to-do list and put the meat on the grill.

Auntie comes outside and hurries over to me.

"Eddie!"

She's hugging me with both arms around my waist before I know what's hit me.

"Auntie, I'm glad you're here." I hug her just as hard. I've missed her. Even though we text, it's not the same.

She pulls away and looks at Jake. "Who's this?"

"Hi, ma'am. I'm Jake." He holds out his hand to shake hers, but she bypasses his offer and hugs him as if she's known him forever.

"Nice to meet you, Jake. I'm Aunt Irina. You can call me Auntie."

Auntie releases Jake and eyes both of us up and down. "What's going on out here? It smells smoky with a hint of cinnamon." Her eyebrow raises in question.

"Oh, um. We're grillin'." I turn away to flip the burgers to avoid eye contact.

"Yes, I see that." There's concern in her voice. "I came out to give you a hug and to tell you I met Bella."

My head jerks her way. "She's here?"

"Yes. She's sweet. Should I send her out here?"

"Uh, I'll go find her." Thankfully, Jake answers for me because my reply sticks in my throat. I think he senses Auntie wants to be alone with me. "I'll be back."

"He's nice. Is he the one who beat you to a pulp?"

"A pulp?" I huff.

"I saw the photos, remember?"

"Yeah, that's him. We're friends now."

"Good thing. He's massive, and I didn't want to break a nail beating him up for you." She winks. "Tell me, though, Eddie, did you get things straightened out with Bella? She seems nervous in there."

My shoulders shrug. "I finally talked to her last night—for the first time."

"Oh, wow." She rubs her hand on my back. "Are you okay?"

"No, not really." I scoot the burgers around on the grill for something to do, even though I just flipped them.

"Are you still going to your therapy sessions?"

"Yeah. I think I need another one this week."

"I met Dr. Volturi too. He seems to be nice as well."

"I wish he'd tell me what to do because I can't make up my mind."

"What do you mean?" Her arm drops to her side.

I turn to face her. "Bella and I met at the park late last night." My brows pinch together remembering how she looked when she walked toward me—scared and defeated. I wanted to run to her and kiss her then tell her everything would be okay, that we'd be okay. But, I didn't—I couldn't.

My chest heaves, and I dig my fingers into the back of my neck. I want to scream at the top of my lungs until birds scatter from treetops as if the world is ending, but I suck it up clenching my fists.

"I...I want him to tell me to forget about her or to just suck it up and be a man...do whatever the fuck I want to do. Because it doesn't really matter what the hell other people think, as long as I'm happy."

"You don't have to make that decision right now, sweetie. You can't rush things. Take a step back and just see how things go between you and her."

Auntie doesn't understand I need answers. I need my life to be simple again. It was good when all I had to think about was which pussy I was gonna tap on the weekend, and where I was going to score my alcohol. Now, though, I know which pussy I want, but she doesn't have one, so how the fuck does that even work?

Mom opens the door, interrupting us. "How's it going out here?"

"Fantastic," I say. Mom doesn't catch my sarcasm.

Auntie elbows me. "The burgers and hot dogs look yummy."

"Okay, I'll bring a clean platter out here for Edward to put them on."

Mom leaves, and Auntie sighs. "I wish I could make things better for you."

"Me too."

"I'm going to go find Uncle Marcus." She gives me a kiss on my cheek. "I love you, Eddie. So much."

"I know, thank you."

She takes a step back, and I touch her arm stopping her. "Mom doesn't know about Bella yet."

"I figured as much. She hasn't said anything to me." Auntie shivers and pulls her sweater up higher on her neck. "I won't say anything. I told you that already." She gives me a sad smile. "I'll see you inside?"

"Yeah." I start taking the meat off the grill, but turn back to Auntie as she's opening the backdoor. "Hey, and for the record, I love you too."

She gives me a wink and continues to walk into the house.

When the burgers are finished and the platter is filled, I suck in a deep breath and make my way inside. Setting the food on the kitchen counter, I avoid eye contact with everyone and duck away from the kitchen, into the hall.

That's when I see Bella standing in the next room. Her long, brown hair is down; curled as it was on our last date—she's beautiful. Her cheeks are pink and she's blinking those long eyelashes, as if there are tears she's trying to keep in. Jake's arm is around her shoulders, and he's rubbing her arm, talking to her quietly while his eyes stay focused on her face. It looks pretty intense, but nothing is as intense as the feelings I have when I see him touching her like that—especially when I can't.

 **A/N:**

 **Hiiiiiiii! I've missed everyone!**

 **Okay, so let me tell you…**

 **Work.**

 **Home.**

 **Sleep.**

 **Work.**

 **Home.**

 **(limited time to write)**

 **Sleep.**

 **The End.**

 **Love, OhGee**

 **P.S. You don't want to miss out on my Tantamount Outtake I'm donating for The Babies at the Border Compilation. Donate $10 and get a shit ton of greatness from your favorite authors.**

 **P.S.S.**

 **Thank you for reading and reviewing.**

 **P.S.S.**

 **Thank you T and MC for dedicating your time to this story. xo**


	30. Chapter 30

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 30**

For a few seconds, I just watch them from the hallway. I'm numb and pissed, probably from the flask Jake and I drained, but most likely from his damn arm around her. Jake flashes a smirk my way, but he sees I'm fuming, then drops his tree trunk forearm from Bella's shoulder. _Smart move._ He then motions for me to come over, but I shake my head, clenching my jaw tight.

I contemplate storming over there and punching him in the face, making a scene in front of my shrink, who's standing ten feet away, and everyone else here in the house. But I take a deep breath through my nose and blow it out, trying to calm the hell down. It's hardcore fucked up that he gets to be that close to her and I don't.

Jake must see the wheels turning in my head because he whispers something to Bella before he leaves her behind and walks over to me.

"Dude, chill," he says, clapping his hand on my tense bicep.

"Don't fucking touch her." I whisper the warning through clenched teeth.

"We're friends." His hand squeezes my arm for emphasis, and I jerk it away. He's no longer smiling.

Bella's eyes lock with mine for a split second. Everything and nothing dwell in those pretty brown eyes of hers. I look back at Jake, glaring him down again.

"Didn't look like it," I growl.

Mom calls my name from the kitchen, ending the tense situation between Jake and me. When I turn to answer, she's holding a wine bottle in her hand ready to pour another glass. I know she's fucked up—I'm right there too. The need to refill my flask is strong, and now I see where I probably get those urges to drink—even though Mom only drinks on special occasions. When her glass is topped off, she takes a sip and meets me in the hall. She wraps one arm around me, placing a kiss on my cheek. It feels like everyone is watching the overly happy Esme.

The smile I plaster on my face is fake as fuck, and I start to peel her arm from around my waist, hoping the wine stays in her glass. Carlisle swoops in and intercepts her awkward display of affection, saving me from any more embarrassment. He whispers something in Mom's ear, and she rolls her eyes then walks off to talk with more guests.

"Edward, why don't you and your friends get some food," he says.

I raise an eyebrow, not liking being told what to do.

"If you three want to eat in your room, go ahead."

Jake looks at me and asks, "Want me to stay?"

"Up to you," I reply with a huff and a shitty look.

Carlisle widens his stance, putting his hands on his hips. "I don't know what's going on with you two, but you better shake on it and get over it," he demands. "I'm not taking anyone to the hospital for stitches tonight. Got it?"

I jerk my chin up, telling him I hear.

"Yes, sir," Jake says, offering me his hand. I shake it, even though I don't want to.

He motions Bella over, and in seconds, she's standing near me. "Jake, Bella, grab a plate. Edward will join you in a moment."

Jake nods.

"Thanks, Dr. Masen," Bella says, dipping her head. Her lips form a tight smile as she brushes past me.

Carlisle waits until they're in the kitchen then lowers his voice. "Maybe this would be a good opportunity for you to talk to Bella with Jake here. Rekindle your friendship?" He pauses, looking toward the kitchen, then back at me.

He's trying to help and doesn't know we met up last night. Anyway, I'm not sure I can go back to the friendship zone, and forward scares the hell out of me. I chew the edge of my bottom lip as I think about how that would even work.

Jake and Bella have their plates fixed when I get into the kitchen. I fill mine so we can hurry and get out of here.

"You wanna eat in my room?" I ask. I'd rather go outside, but I don't want to freeze my ass off either.

They nod, and we head upstairs.

We sit on the floor, our backs against my bed: me, Jake, then Bella on the other side of him. I find a movie on TV while we eat. I'm not watching it at all. I'm watching Bella pick at her food, the same as I'm doing. Jake eats everything and goes downstairs for seconds, leaving Bella and me by ourselves.

I turn the TV volume way down, and Bella looks at me.

"Hi," I say. I haven't said two words to her since she's been here tonight.

"Hi," she answers with a barely-there smile.

I look at her. Her hair is tucked back behind her ear, and she looks really good. "I thought you weren't coming tonight?" I bite into my burger, not because I'm hungry but because I don't know what else to do.

Bella shrugs. "I didn't want to."

I chew my food and swallow, pushing aside my plate. "Then why are you here?"

She shrugs again, not looking at me. "Mom and Dad wanted me to come so…" She picks up her plastic fork and pushes pasta noodles around the paper plate in front of her. "I didn't know what to tell them."

"Hmm."

She sighs, and her shoulders sag. "I can go home, though...if you want."

I sit there for a second, then shake my head when she raises her eyes looking for an answer. I don't want her to leave.

"Stay."

"Okay," she whispers.

We sit there in silence. She's looking at the TV. But the sound is so low I can barely hear what's being said, and I'm still looking at her.

Her phone beeps with a text, and she pulls it from her back pocket. She frowns, pressing her lips together.

"What's wrong?"

"Jake left. His dad has a flat tire, and I guess he needs help." She's texting something back to him.

"Oh." I tap my fingers nervously on my leg. Now that we're truly alone, it's weird but not awkward. And I'm glad Jake left. I'm still irritated with him.

The movie credits are rolling, making the room dim, plus it's too quiet. I clear my throat as if I have something to say, but I don't.

"I should probably go then," she says.

"Why?"

"Because this"—she motions between us with her hand—"is hard." She turns her face to the door as if she wants Jake to come back.

"I know, but don't go."

Seconds pass, and she's still looking away. My hand slides across the carpet until my fingertips touch hers, and she flinches.

She looks at me with glassy eyes, but her hand straightens, seeking more.

"You look pretty tonight." My heart smashes against my chest when the words leave my mouth.

She moves her hand to her lap, shaking her head as if she doesn't know how beautiful she is.

"You are. Inside and out." It sounds cheesy when I say it, but I'm being fucking honest.

Her head lowers. "I'm not enough, though."

"Bella," I whisper, scooting to sit next to her. "Don't say that."

"It's true. I can't be what you want me to be...not yet anyway." There's pain in her voice. I know she's referring to the reassignment surgery.

"Hey, look at me." I touch her cheek.

Her eyes well up, and the amber flecks in them shine like gold. I brush my thumb under her lashes and wipe a tear that begins to fall.

"I'm going to try...no, I want to stop thinking of you as Ben." I squeeze my eyes shut for a second before I say what's really important. "Because...I didn't even know him, okay?"

"Everyone else knew him." She shakes her head as if she's trying to wash the memory of her former life from her head. "My parents and Jake are the only ones who love me unconditionally and don't treat me like a freak." She wipes her eyes with her sleeve.

My chin falls to my chest, my back pushing harder into my mattress. "I'm sorry," I whisper.

She leans her head on my shoulder, probably for my comfort because she's so fucking selfless. The memories of her and me in my truck last summer come flooding back. My lungs freeze, the wind knocked clean from them with her sweet, innocent touch. I do my best to swallow down the emotions slicing me from the inside, but the knife plunges and twists, doing its best to destroy me. I've been such a dick, so I deserve the pain. If I could be strong, we both wouldn't feel like shit right now.

"Are you okay?" Bella asks, her head still on my shoulder. She sniffles, and I'm sure there are tears on my sweatshirt.

"No." My cheek brushes against the top of her head. I turn my face, letting my nose linger in her hair for a bit. "I...I just need to figure something out."

Bella turns her whole body toward me. She nervously twists her fingers together. "Like what? What do you—?"

She stops talking when I turn my body toward hers with my hands on either side of her legs.

"If..." I close my eyes, ready to put my thoughts out into the universe. "If I can do this...us."

When I open my eyes, our faces are close. I'm breathing in every breath she releases, and it gives me a fucking chub. My chest rises and falls like a goddamn hammer hitting a nail. I'm not sure what I'm doing other than tempting and teasing both of us. I blame the alcohol for my courage.

"Us?" Her voice is so low, but I read her lips.

I lean in, and her mouth parts. I hope I don't regret what I'm doing.

Bella whimpers, her forehead falls to mine. I don't back away, but I don't kiss her either.

My hands are still planted on the floor, but now I'm on my knees, easing her backward. Her arms snake under my arms and around my back, holding onto my shoulder blades. My upper body presses her against the carpet, and I'm practically doing a push-up, caging her in. She inhales sharply—shocked maybe. I am too. I'm also so fucking afraid but turned on as my lips brush against her neck. She whimpers again, curling her fingers into me, keeping me there—right fucking there—and I lower myself to my forearms. I breathe her in, and holy fuck, it's been too long since I've kissed her skin. In this moment, I don't care about anything but her.

I want her.

"I've missed you," she whispers into the air, her head tilting back, letting me have my way.

My teeth graze just under her ear, then down to the collar of her shirt. I suck at the skin there, and goddamn, she tastes good. All these months of feeling alone, like a circus freak for falling for a girl who's technically a dude, has taken their toll.

"I missed you more."

Bella's hands slide down my back, resting on my ass—so lightly I barely feel her.

"Kiss me," she says through a soft moan.

And I do.

God, she tastes good, like summer—warm and sweet. She smells like summer too, like the days when we did nothing but ride around in my truck without a care in the world, devouring ice cream cones, music blaring, and the wind in our faces.

I want us to be there. I fucking want us to be anywhere but here.

 **A/N:**

 **I know, I know...long time no see. I hope this made you hot and bothered or at least happy I updated. ;)**

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter.**

 **Thank you all for reading and reviewing.**

 **T and MC, thank you for everything.**

 **P.s. Check out the Twilight Tricks and Treats Contest I'm hosting on Facebook. You won't be sorry. Entries are posting soon.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**


	31. Chapter 31

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 31**

Bella breaks our kiss, eyes wide, trying to wriggle from my arms.

"Door," she says, pointing that direction.

I scramble off her, out of breath.

"Yeah?" I answer from where I'm sitting—cursing whoever's fucked this up for me—for us. I wipe the not-long-enough kiss from my mouth with the back of my hand.

Bella combs her fingers through her hair, then straightens her shirt that has ridden up.

"It's me—Auntie. Can I come in?"

"Yeah," I say again. I pull my sweatshirt down lower to cover my hard-on because that kiss was so fucking hot.

Auntie opens the door, and I pretend to be hella interested in the credits rolling across the TV screen.

 _Damn you, Auntie._

"We're going outside to do s'mores. Want to join us?" she asks. I watch as Auntie scans my room then asks, "Where's Jake?"

"He left to help his dad," Bella answers, hugging her knees to her chest. She's trying to act as though nothing but movie-watching was going on in here. Her red face gives everything away, though.

Auntie nods. "Oh, okay." Her eyes settle on me trying to figure out what we've really been up to.

My eyes dart back to the TV, avoiding her, because I think she has a pretty good idea.

"We'll be there in a minute." I take Bella's plate, setting it on top of mine, still trying to avoid Auntie.

"All right, you two. See you downstairs soon."

Auntie closes the door behind her, and I release a deep breath.

"That was close." My body sags against my bed, relieved we're in private again.

"Yeah...close." Bella stands. Her cheeks have faded to an adorable pink. She has a blank look, and takes a few steps in the opposite direction from where we were sprawled out on the floor.

"Are you okay?"

Bella twists her fingers together then shrugs. "Is this your bathroom?" She tilts her head toward the door to her right.

I nod. It dawns on me this is the first time she's ever been in my room, which is kinda weird since we hung out all summer.

"You can go; I'll be down there in a few minutes," she says, closing the bathroom door.

"'Kay."

When I hear the door lock, I adjust my dick and head downstairs to the kitchen.

 ***T***

Most everyone is putting on their jackets and taking roasting sticks to the backyard. Carlisle is holding open the door to the deck with a platter of marshmallows and shit to make the s'mores in his other hand. When he sees me, he smiles. I pull up my hood, stuffing my hands into my pockets, ready to head outside too.

"Where's Bella?" he asks.

I answer as I walk past him. "Upstairs."

Auntie is by the fire pit, and she motions for me to come over. Aro is standing next to her by the time I make it to the back of the yard.

"Hello, Edward," Aro says, offering me his hand.

"What's up?" I stick out my hand and shake his, then put my cold-ass fingers back into my pocket, curling them around my empty flask.

"Great party," he says. "I noticed you and your friends in the kitchen earlier."

"Yeah?" It's not really a question; it's more of a none-of-your-fucking-business response. I'm not sitting in his fucking shrink chair right now, and his words feel like I am. _Is he about to grill me?_ _Is his fancy-fucking pen stashed in his coat?_

Auntie speaks up. "Nice kids. They were watching movies while they ate their dinner." She puts her arm around my waist, hugging me to her. "Is Bella still here? I don't see her?" She scans the backyard.

I pull away from her. "She's in the bathroom." Part of me wants to run back to my room—my safe place—and lock out the outside bullshit.

"I'd like to meet her," Aro says.

"Why?" I blurt the word, annoyed he thinks he needs to meet the girl I've been talking to him about for last couple of months.

"No reason, Edward. I'm here as a friend, not your—"

"Shrink?" I finish the sentence for him, wishing the fire pit full of dragon-tongue flames would devour me—or him.

"Yes," he says, clearing his throat.

"Edward," Auntie says. "Would you please run get us some marshmallows?"

I lift my chin and walk off, annoyed at Aro.

Bella isn't out here yet, so instead of getting the s'more shit, I go back to my room to check on her. The bathroom door is open and she's gone. Going to my bedroom window, I look out to her house. Her bedroom light is on and the shades are closed.

Reaching in my back pocket, I pull out my cell phone, ready to text her, but something stops me.

The urge to kiss her again is there, but when Auntie interrupted us and I was faced with someone other than Bella and me, I was relieved she didn't see us kissing. Will I really be able to put aside the fact that she was once Ben? I told her I would try to think of her as Bella, not Ben. But I have to admit, even though I know I want to see her again, I'm not so sure how to get over that.

 **A/N:**

 **Thank you to everyone who's still reading and loving these two broken kids.**

 **Happy Thanksgiving to those who are celebrating and happy Wednesday to those who aren't. ;)**

 **I was in a rush to post this and couldn't wait for one of my girlies to read and beta, but I love her nonetheless.**

 **Xo,**

 **OhGee**

 **On a side note: A couple of years ago, I published a short Christmas story called Uplifting Spirit.** **It is available on Amazon, and I also have a few signed copies I am selling, if anyone is interested. Just type Perry Noel (as one word...ffn isn't letting me put in my website name) and use dot com to message me. I'll send out invoices. Thank you!**


	32. Chapter 32

**TANTAMOUNT**

 **Chapter 32**

It's Sunday morning, and I haven't texted Bella yet, but I want to. Last night, she bolted, ditching me while I froze my ass off waiting for her in my backyard. I kind of want to know why she left me, especially after what happened in my room, but I bet she felt weird after Auntie almost caught us—I did too. I thought about sneaking out and going over to her house after everyone went to bed, but something stopped me. I ended up falling asleep looking at selfies of Bella and me during the summer.

 ***T***

Auntie knocks on my bedroom door this morning, calling me for breakfast. But before we head downstairs together, she stops me with a gentle hand on my arm.

"Did you get a chance to smooth things over with Bella?"

I shrug. "Sort of."

She tilts her head, watching me closely. "When I came up here last night you two looked guilty about something."

I can't look Auntie in the eye, and turn my head to stare out the window.

"Hey, I'm not going to judge you. If anything happened then your secret is, and always will be safe with me."

Nodding, I decide to look up and her eyes are glistening with tears. I know she loves me so much and wants what's best for me. I do feel safe with Auntie, so I tell her the truth. 

"I kissed her."

A smile spreads across her face before her arms wrap around me in a gigantic hug. I hug her back and let out a sigh of relief.

"Just be kind to both of your hearts, okay?" she says.

"I will." And I hope to hell I can maneuver our relationship in a direction that neither one of us gets hurt.

"Okay, let's go eat. I think your mom is feeling the effects of the wine this morning. She already has her plate fixed." She laughs, and I shake my head. "But, honestly, I think you should really tell her what's going on."

"I know, but not right now."

 ***T***

After we eat, Auntie begs me to watch movies with "the old people,"her words, then pushes me to the couch to sit down. I don't put up a fight; instead, I sit down next to Mom, and Auntie sits next to me. It's kinda nice we're all together, and it feels like I'm back in Seattle, which is a thousand times better than Forks. I'm glad Auntie twisted my arm.

After a playfully heated debate over which movie to watch, the girls win, and everyone quiets down. I'm not the least bit interested in watching _The Titanic_ , so I space off and think about how I'm going to deal with what happened last night. When I start thinking about Bella, though, her tits come to mind first. Then that kiss. It was warm, wet, and soft, and my dick twitches—awkward since I'm sandwiched between Mom and Auntie. A weird involuntary hum vibrates at the back of my throat, deep and low.

Mom leans in whispering, "Does your throat hurt from the cold air last night?"

"Yeah, a little," I lie, saving myself from embarrassment.

"I'll have Carlisle get you something for that."

 _Note to self: I sound sick when I'm turned on._

"I'm fine."

My thoughts go back to Bella, but this time, it's about what I told her before we kissed. I want to think of her, as she is now, not as Ben. But scenarios pop in my head, and they leave me with more questions for myself.

On Sunday afternoon after lunch and another movie with my family, all I want to do is kick back in my room and text Bella. I jog up the steps and grab my phone, walking over to my window. That's when I see Bella leave with Jake, which I'm not expecting. I was hoping I'd see her, but not like that. She's in a baggy, gray sweater and tight-fitting jeans. Her hair is in a ponytail with a red baseball cap pulled down low on her forehead. I've never seen her in a cap before—and I really fucking like it.

It's still cold as hell, and she looks as though she's taking her own sweet time. I imagine Jake's trying to make her hurry when he takes her hand and runs, pulling her toward his truck. And I don't like that shit one bit.

I mutter through the window for Jake to stop touching her, and that's when I see him slap her ass as she gets in his truck.

My blood boils hot as goddamn lava. My chest tightens, and I rock back and forth, looking for something to punch. My mattress takes the brunt from both fists, making me feel mildly better since I picture Jake's face with each blow.

I know they're _friends_ ,but that asshole really likes being with her. I can see that now, and I'm beginning to wonder if he doesn't have a thing for Bella too.

Tomorrow at the gym, I'm getting some things sorted out with him. In the meantime, I try pushing the thoughts of the two of them out of my head. Releasing my guitar from its stand, I take a seat on the floor at the foot of my bed. I rest it on my legs, cradle it under my right arm, and begin to strum a few chords. It's been a while since I've played anything, and it's proving to be calming. I breathe through my nose and exhale through my mouth—just as Aro taught me. Before I know it, my fingers are stuck on a new melody, and a brown-haired girl is the center of my song.

 ***T***

Jake picks me up at the ass crack of dawn before our workout. He's on the phone with his dad about something to with his dad's car, and he doesn't hang up until we're at the gym. I don't get a chance to ask him about Bella, as I wanted to.

The gym is small and has seen better days. The smell of sweat lingers in the air. Jake wasn't lying when he said it was a hole in the wall, but it feels welcoming to me. A few treadmills and exercise bikes are near the front door as we walk inside, and a bunch of weight benches and free weights face a mirrored wall across the way. The paint on the walls is faded, and the floor could use some updating, but I'm no Martha-fucking-Stewart. It's definitely no YMCA, though, and I'm stoked to be here. This place is somewhere you'd expect to see Rocky Balboa training, especially because there's a punching bag hanging in the back corner where it's dim.

It's 5:00 a.m., and Jake and I are the only ones here with the exception of his dad's friend, Waylon, who owns the place.

"Jake!" a low, raspy voice shouts from a darkened area of the gym.

Another light flickers on, and Waylon, I assume, comes into view by a door at the back, which appears to lead to a locker room. He's not a big guy, but the hunch in his back probably makes him seem smaller. The deep lines in his face and his bald head make him look old, but the muscles in his arms are pretty impressive.

"Hey, Waylon," Jake says, as we walk toward the man.

Jake points his thumb at me. "My friend Edward and I are training for baseball tryouts."

Waylon meets us halfway and extends his hand for me to shake. "Edward, thanks for coming. I'm Waylon."

"Nice to meet you, sir."

"I'm Coach or Waylon. Drop the sir bullshit."

I smile. "Sure thing, Coach." I like this guy already.

Jake shakes his hand next. "Dad said you'd help us. We're getting an early start on baseball this year."

"Yep, it'd be my pleasure," Waylon says, folding his arms across his stomach.

"Edward and I are going to kick some ass on the field our senior year."

"Assuming you two make the team?"

"Oh, we'll make the team," I say.

"Cocky, aren't we?"

"Just honest," Jake says.

"I like that. Let's get started then." Waylon walks between us, and we follow. He leads us to the treadmills.

 ***T***

"Old man doesn't play around," I say, latching my seatbelt. My legs are like jello from the bike and treadmill workout, and my arms hurt as well from the twenty minutes of jump rope Waylon made us do.

"He's a hardass, but one of the best people I know. He and Dad have been friends since high school."

"Yeah, nice but hardcore."

"Get used it."

I moan, leaning my head against Jake's truck window as he drives me home. Yesterday, my plan was to say something to Jake at the gym about him slapping Bella's ass, but right now, I just need to eat and get ready for school. I'll just keep an eye on Jake when he's around Bella and figure out the rest for myself later.

*T*

At school, things seem different. Maybe it's the weather change, maybe it isn't. The change of season shouldn't feel like dread, as if everyone knows I kissed Bella Saturday night. No one is outright staring at me as they did when the school year started, but something feels off—my paranoia gets the best of me.

When Bella rounds the corner, our eyes meet, and she starts walking my way with a big smile on her face. But I don't return it; instead, I bolt into the restroom. And I know as soon as I see Emmett and Jasper at the urinal that I'm not going to be able to handle something so public with her. That doesn't change the way my insides feel about Bella, or how excited I was when I saw her. And it sure as hell doesn't change the way I want to kiss her again.

I stare down the punk-ass bitches with their stupid smirks. _They must think there is s_ afety _in numbers? Fuck no, there isn't, but I don't want to deal with them right now._

I go directly into a stall and shut the door, pull out my phone, and send Bella a text.

 **Can I see you after school?**

She answers right away.

 _ **Didn't you see me in the hall?**_

 **Yes. Had to pee.**

 _ **K. Where are we meeting after school?**_

 **My house.**

 **A/N:**

 **I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!**

 **And wishing you all a healthy and happy 2019.**

 **Thank you for reading and reviewing.**

 **I posted a little outtake of Tantamount the other day, so if you'd like to read it, it's listed alongside my other stories on ffn.**

 **Thank you to EnchantedbyTwilight and Midnight Cougar for editing.**

 **Xo**

 **OhGee**


	33. Chapter 33

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 33**

I can't seem to avoid seeing Bella in between classes, even though I keep well hidden from her sight. I don't want her to see me. I can't talk to her. The consequences could be devastating for both of us.

She's smiling a lot, which is cute and rare for school, and her hair is down. She looks fucking incredible. Sometimes, Jake is walking with her and it looks innocent. He isn't touching her or grabbing her ass, which is a good goddamn thing for his sake. I wish that could be me in his place, but I can't take the chance of anyone seeing us together, especially Emmett and Jasper.

Since that first day of school, they've left me alone—probably because I beat Emmett's ass—and I'd like to keep it that way. Bella can't defend herself against them if they start teasing her, or worse, pushing her around. That thought pisses me off, so I keep my distance and wish the hours to fly by.

When I get home from school, Mom is already gone. She told me this morning she'd be having dinner with friends in Port Angeles and Carlisle would be working a late shift. I figure it'll be safe to have Bella over to watch a movie and just see if things go as they did the other night. I grab a bag of chips and some leftover dip from the party on Saturday and set it on the counter. There are two Cokes left in the fridge, so I grab them and stuff them in my hoodie pocket. The doorbell rings and it's her, so I grab the chips and dip and hurry to the door to let her in.

"Hi," I say as I take her in.

She's smiling, and her hair is up in a bun now with strands sticking out like twigs. It's kinda funny and sexy all at the same time.

"Um...can I come in?" Her hand goes to her bun, twirling the random piece of hair I want to touch.

I must have been staring at her too long. "Oh, yeah. Sorry." I reach in my pocket, then hand her a Coke as she walks through the door.

"Thanks." Bella tucks her bottom lip between her teeth.

"I got us some snacks too. I'm starving." I hold up the bag for her to see.

"Okay, great. I'm kinda hungry. I worked in the library over lunch."

She closes the door behind her and follows me upstairs. Once we're in my room I can't take my eyes off her as she casually walks to where I have my guitar in the stand. She leans against my desk and catches me, and my stomach flips, knowing we're truly all alone. It's different from last summer. I wasn't really ever nervous with her—we were friends, then it became more. It was such a slow progression that it was comfortable. But then, the wrecking ball crashed my world, demolishing a perfectly good summer and what I thought was an equally perfect relationship. At one point, it made Tanya look like a fucking dream, even though I know she isn't.

"Why do you keep staring at me?" Bella asks, snapping me back to the here and now.

"I...I was just thinking about..." Shaking my head to rid me of those thoughts, I turn away from Bella and spit out, "Never mind." I set the food on my bed and inhale through my nose as Aro suggested I do when I feel stressed. Then I exhale, letting go of all the bullshit.

"Ed...Edward, I should probably leave."

I stand there and take another deep breath before turning back to Bella. My eyes find hers, and there's unease in them. Her smile has been replaced with worry lines between her eyes.

"No. I want you to stay."

We both stand there, studying one another. My mind goes crazy thinking about everything that has happened between us in a matter of days. Our confrontation at the park, then days later, making out at Carlisle's party. And now, we're back in my room—alone. I'd thought I could say goodbye to her forever, but obviously, I fucking can't.

Bella taps her nails nervously on the Coke can, and I know she's uncomfortable. "Then, why are you acting weird? Are you still mad at me?"

My head shakes back and forth, answering her before the word slips out. "No."

Her fingers stop tapping the can. "I was hoping you'd say that."

I sit on my bed and motion with my head. "Come on, let's eat."

Bella joins me, sitting across from me on her knees. The bag of Lay's is open and the chive dip is between us. In a matter of minutes, it's like old times; a movie is playing and we're eating.

"I bet you can't eat ten chips at once," she dares me.

"Oh yeah? Bet I can." I reach into the bag and start stuffing chips in my mouth. Bella's sweet laugh is music to my ears. I scrunch my nose and show my teeth, growling as if I'm a hungry monster just so I can hear her laugh harder. And it works.

"Okay, stop, stop." She takes hold of my wrist. "I don't want you choking!"

I switch hands and shove in a few more.

"Fine then." She takes the bag, crumpling the top together, putting it behind her back. She giggles and leans away from me.

I'm on my knees now, shaking my head no and reaching for the bag. Both my arms circle her body, bringing her forward to retrieve what she's hiding.

 _Crunch...crunch. Crunch, crunch, crunch._ I chew the mouth full of chips then swallow. My face is inches from hers. My tongue sweeps over my salty bottom lip and up to the top, getting a few crumbs stuck there.

Bella watches me. Her tongue mirrors mine, even though her lips are clean.

Everything around us slows, then comes to a complete halt—except for the pounding of my heart. The movie we've barely watched is muffled by the whooshing in my ears and the hitch in Bella's breath. She blinks, her long lashes closing and opening in slow motion. It's perfect timing to pick back up where we left off the other night. This is unplanned and natural. But I don't go in for a kiss because I kind of like how we're just hanging out right now.

Besides, I'm not sure how to proceed with anything beyond a kiss. Saturday night, in the heat of the moment, I wanted more than just making out. Later on, I thought of what could have happened, and that scares the shit outta me—because I don't do dick and she hasn't had the surgery yet.

So where the fuck does that leave us? I'm gonna need to talk to Aro, maybe he can help me figure out how to ask Bella for more details. Because one thing I do know: I want to know more.

 **A/N:**

 **Our boy is hella confused...sigh.**

 **I appreciate all of you so much for wanting my words and for supporting my story. I tried replying to as many reviews as I had time for. However, I'm sure I missed a few.**

 **I LOVE all your thoughts and questions and look forward to them.**

 **Please leave me more love!**

 **At the moment my plan is to write, write, write!**

 **I'm not working as much as I did during Christmas, which will allow me to focus more on Tantamount. Yay!**

 **Thank you to my beta's, EnchantedbyTwilight and Midnight Cougar for making this story shine.**

 **xoxo**

 **OhGee**


	34. Chapter 34

**TANTAMOUNT**

 **CHAPTER 34**

Bella isn't giving up the chips; she's too afraid I'm going to choke, so I wrap my arms around her, ready to take them back in a bear-hug-I'm-going-to-tackle-you-because-I'm-a-guy-and-I'm-cool type of way, then I accidentally lose my balance.

The bag behind Bella's back explodes across my bed and onto the floor like confetti when I squeeze her, before we tumble to the carpet.

I twist as we go down, cushioning our fall, not wanting her hurt in my quest to prove I can shove a million chips into my mouth.

"Oh my God, Edward!" Bella screams as we freefall. Her forehead smashes to my chest, and her squeals of laughter fill my ears.

My head and shoulders take the brunt on impact on the not-so-cushiony carpet. I laugh along with Bella, even though my head hurts like a son of a bitch. It's the first time in forever I've been this happy and eons since Bella has been on top of me. I lace my fingers together, holding her a little tighter.

Bella raises her head. She's so fucking beautiful, even with her now smudged mascara at the corner of her eyes.

"Hi," I say casually.

She's still laughing and wiggles one arm free, holding the bag up for me to see. "I win!"

I really don't give a shit about the chips any longer. I unlock my hands, keeping one on her waist while the other hand gently wipes under her eyes.

Bella's laughter fades, and she clears her throat, staring at me. "Thanks," she whispers.

"Welcome. And you really didn't win."

One of her eyebrows raises in question. "How do you figure?"

"The way I see it is, I'm here, and you're here, so I win."

"Yeah, I'm here. Duh."

"I'm not talking about being in my house." A half-smile forms on my face. "I'm talking about being here." I emphasize what I say with a squeeze of my hand still on her waist.

Bella's mouth opens in realization. "Ohhhh, yeah. Now I get it."

I barely nod, looking directly into her eyes.

"Like I said, I win!" She fist pumps the air, ruining the moment I was trying to create.

She's playful today, like old times, and I love it, so I play along.

"You're a dork."

"Like you?" She rolls her eyes all sassy, and it sparks some carefree and playful shit deep inside me.

In a split second, I'm straddling her waist, tickling her sides. "You play with the bull, you get the horns."

Through giggles and yelps and tightly closed eyes she says, "Stop! Stop! Uncle!"

I stop and hold my hands above her as if I'm going back in for more tickles.

Bella peeks one eye open, then the other. She grabs my wrists, shaking her head. "Don't you dare."

"Whatcha gonna do about it?" My fingers wiggle, coming closer to her sides. She's not strong enough to stop me.

"I'm going to…" She scrunches her eyes closed again. "I'm going to…" The pitch in her voice escalates to a high-pitched shrill, waiting on my tickle attack.

"You're going to what, Bella?" I lay my hands on her sides, not tickling, just resting them there, and she squeals again.

"That tickles." She thrashes her head from side to side. I laugh at how sensitive her sides are to my touch and how her messy bun is hella messed up.

I lift my hands in the air, surrendering—watching her. She's so fucking perfect under me, so innocent with pink cheeks and inviting lips that make my dick as hard as fucking stone. Her laughter stops when she sees me staring at her. I bet I look stupid or maybe she feels what she's doing to me. I lean down and kiss her softly, breathing her in. She smells like that Bath and Body place and fucking sunshine.

"Mmm." She moans into my mouth as her fingers find my hair.

My thumb rubs at the waistband of her jeans. Our kiss starts sweet, but as memories of our summer run wild, my emotions get the best of me. My heart pounds faster; I hold her tighter. Maybe there's some subliminal bullshit going on in my head, and I don't want to lose her again.

"I've missed this; I've missed you," I tell her, in-between kisses.

"Me too," she confesses.

That last summer night we spent together was both life-crushing and amazing. I wanted to make love to her then, but I didn't. I was trying to be respectful, something I had never done before with any of the girls I had sex with in the past. There was something about Bella that captured me and tamed my heart, or at least made me realize how much of a dick I had been for so long.

My fingers slip into the waistband, rubbing her stomach. She's so soft and I crave more. "I need you."

"Edward." Her hands cup my face, looking me in the eyes.

I pull my hand from the denim, stopping. "Sorry." I breathe through my nose, trying to calm down from the high I've been on.

Bella shakes her head. "It's okay, but…" Her eyes close and she takes a deep breath. "You know I haven't had the—"

"Yeah," I interrupt, not really wanting to think about that minor, okay, _major_ technicality while I'm basically dry humping and getting handsy with her. My body shifts to the side until I'm lying by her side. "Were you…?"

"Was I what?"

It feels like forever before the three words finally make it out of my mouth. "Were you...hard?"

"Why? Does it really matter?"

My palms cover my eyes, pushing until I see stars. "I don't know...yes. Maybe? I don't fucking know."

"I um… I have special underwear." She pauses. "You shouldn't have felt anything."

"Fuck me." I groan. All the times I made out with her last summer, I never felt anything suspicious, and we made out a lot.

When I open my eyes, I see she's sitting and looking away from me. I sit next to her, not knowing what else to do. The moment is awkward. One minute we're making out, the next minute we're talking about her dick.

"I know it's hard to grasp." She shrugs. "I shouldn't have shared that, I guess."

"It's fine." I say the words, but I really don't know if it is. Fuck.

We both stare at the TV, even though neither of us probably cares what's on. I know I should say something like, _When the fuck are you gonna have that surgery?_ But I don't even know if she's planning on that. Instead, I playfully poke her side to break the ice and it works. She smiles and huffs out a little laugh.

"Like I said. You play with the bull, you get the horns." I grin.

Bella crosses her arms over her body for protection from any more tickles I may throw her way. "No horns, just a boy who never wants to lose a bet." Her eyes widen and a look of shock replaces the smile. "I mean…"

Those words are a knife slicing through my fucked up heart.

"Way to throw that stupid bet in my face." I stand, leaving her on the floor, angrily brushing off the chips that are clinging to my clothes.

Bella pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them. "That's not what I meant at all."

"I don't bring up that you're still a…a...ugh!" I grab my hair with a frantic hand and growl, pacing my room. "I'm trying to...to forget...no, to deal with...you and...all that comes with you. Jesus, Bella."

Her head dips low with a heavy sigh as her fingers twist together, a sure sign she's nervous. Her voice is quiet, resigned even, as she answers. "But you can't, can you?"

Stopping in my tracks, my shoulders draw up toward my ears and I keep them that way—frozen for a second—trying to figure out an answer. "I said I'm trying! It's just fucking hard."

Her voice cracks. "Yeah, tell me about it. Jake is the only person outside my family that doesn't think of me as...Ben."

 _Yeah, because he fucking loves you._ But I don't say that out loud because I know it'll piss her off.

"I probably could too, but..." I say, stepping back to where she's sitting, then drop to my knees. I choose my words carefully, but those words don't even form on my lips. Instead, I lean forward and run my lips over the soft skin of her cheek, up to her ear, and something totally different spews from my mouth...or maybe my heart, no...definitely not from there. "I want to fuck you so bad."

She arches away from me with wide eyes, and at the same time, her mouth drops open. A loud gasp fills the space between us.

My body tenses and my fists ball up inside my hoodie pockets when I realize I've completely blurted out my innermost thought and offended her. Her reaction is swift, and I don't see it coming. Her right palm makes contact with my face, blunt and hard as hell.

"Wow," she says with sarcasm in her voice. "You're sweet."

I rub my cheek as sharp prickles of heat warm the skin there. "I never claimed to be."

"I thought you were different... _now_ ," she states, matter of fact.

"Yeah, I'm sure as fuck different." A puff of air escapes through my nose, and I'm back on my feet pacing again. "That's for damn sure."

"Because of me, right?" Sadness replaces the sarcasm in her voice.

"Because of a lot of things." I move to sit on the side of my potato chip covered bed, feeling defeated. "But, yes." My voice falls to barely a whisper. "I fell in love with someone I thought was perfect for me."

"Y-You fell in love with me?" Her eyes become glassy with unshed tears. "And you found out I'm not perfect after all, huh?"

I shrug. She's not perfect in the sense that I want a girl, not a boy. How do you tell someone you like as a person that you don't like their gender? Because we definitely got along before the secret was revealed to me. It's a dick move, but I say it anyway. "I don't know how to be with you, Bella—in public or...in private, obviously."

"Which is why you were avoiding me at school?"

I watch as her eyes search for answers. I didn't think she would realize I was avoiding her, but she's not stupid. She deserves to know the truth. How shitty would that be to keep lying to her when she's asking me point blank? Now's my chance to lay it on the line and come clean, even if she slaps me again. "Yeah."

"Thought so. Emmett and Jasper said you looked like you were hiding in a bathroom stall today. They went out of their way to inform me before class started." She releases the elastic from her bun and gathers the hair up again before replacing it. "Jasper called you a pussy."

"They don't know shit!" I yell, walking to my dresser mirror, looking at the fiery handprint on my cheek.

"I should go." Bella brushes off her legs before she stands.

"Just sta—"

"No! Why should I? You said yourself you can't handle this...me!" She twists the doorknob but pauses. "See ya 'round." Her footsteps are hurried as she makes her way downstairs.

Our time together ends like a twisted train wreck.

The front door clicks as she lets herself out, and I go to my window to watch her walk home. I see her pause before she gets to her porch. It's as if she knows I'm watching, but she doesn't look up. She wipes her eyes with her sleeve, and I feel like an even bigger asshole.

As I look away, my phone vibrates in my pocket. "Hello?" I answer after checking the display.

Aro must have some psychic bullshit powers.

"Edward? I'm so glad you answered."

I sigh. "Hey."

"I wanted to apologize for offending you at Carlisle's party; that was never my intention, Edward."

"Okay."

"And I want you to know, I'm here to help you, and I feel awful the way we left things. Can we talk soon?"

"Yeah, actually, we probably should."

I take his next available appointment, which is tomorrow during my lunch. He says he's happy I'm coming and he looks forward to seeing me then.

I huff. At least someone is happy.

 **A/N:**

 **Hello, hello, hello!**

 **Thank you for all your reviews.**

 **I tried to answer most of them; however, I didn't have time to answer all of them.**

 **In my spare time (what's that?) I'm focusing on this story. I have plans...and an ending...but, I need to get these chapters written and find my path to the end.**

 **I appreciate all of you, even the troll who canNOT stand the story, yet continues to read it. I know it's her FAVORITE STORY OF ALL TIME. lol**

 **And I love all of you who sign in and take the time to share your thoughts or just a word or two to let me know you care.**

 **xoxoxo**

 **And speaking of caring, I care for the two ladies who take their time to read, beta, give thoughts and support me in my writing. Enchanted by Twilight and Midnight Cougar are a girl's best friend. (Diamonds are too, and I'll take that up with my boy toy in Utah;))**

 **Hugs,**

 **OhGee**


	35. Chapter 35

**TANTAMOUNT**

 **CHAPTER 35**

The view of Bella's room is perfect from where I have my bed positioned now. I pushed it over about three feet tonight when I was cleaning up after the mess we made this afternoon. I'm not trying to be a stalker, but this is hella convenient for me. I can easily see across the way and not look like a total lovesick loser.

With my guitar resting easy in my lap and my pillow tucked behind my back, I tip my head against the headboard. The song I composed months ago about Bella plays in my head until my fingers itch to strum out the melody. I tip my chin to my chest, realizing I should shave, but don't give a shit really. My eyes close as I drape my arm around my Fender, pulling it closer to my body, and start to play. This time, the chords are low and dark, instead of the usual higher, lighter pitch I have played in the past. Sadness travels from my instrument, vibrating deep into my chest. I'm becoming goddamn Ed Sheeran. Even though I know Bella can't hear my music, I keep playing—staring out the window as the light teases me from behind her blinds. My left thumb brushes methodically in a downward motion while my fingertips on my right hand press firmly into the strings on the maple neck. Words finally attach to the music, and I whisper the chorus out loud.

 _Bella, Bella please. You have me in pieces and I'm fallin'._

 _The darkness is deep, and I can't find my way._

 _Oh Bella, oh Bella I'm callin'._

I swallow the lump forming in my throat, but the lyrics now play on loop in my head.

I half expect to get a text from her. I think about sending her one first, but I hold out hope for a few hours that she'll text first. When my fingers numb from the strings, I put my guitar away and crawl back into bed. I double-check to see if my phone is still charged since it stayed silent the whole night. Apparently, she doesn't want anything to do with me—can't say that I blame her. I'm not stupid either. The way I acted today, all blunt and shit, was the old me, not the Edward she knew when we were a thing.

The last time I look at my phone it's 2:00 a.m., and I hold the stupid thing to my chest all night long, hoping Bella will change her mind. My eyes are heavy, though, and when I close them, I see images of her. At first, she's pissed and my cheek feels a phantom sting from the slap earlier today. But after that image disappears, the ones of us together, last summer, surface. It must be just what I need to relax, because three hours later, Tuesday morning kicks me in my nuts with the alarm blaring loud enough to wake the dead.

"Fuck," I mumble, smashing my pillow over my head, trying to drown out the horrible noise.

"Shut the fuck up," I grumble louder. My left hand blindly searches the top of my nightstand for the awful noise. I throw the pillow off my face, my eyes barely opening to find my phone still on my chest.

"The hell?" I tap on my iPhone until it's silenced.

I know I'm supposed to meet Jake at the gym, but I legit contemplate not going. Part of me wonders if Bella filled him in about what happened yesterday. If she did, there's a high probability Jake will beat my ass, and that's the last thing I want. But the other part of me knows I need conditioning for baseball. I decide to take my chances.

I force myself to sit at the edge of the bed and let my flannel sheets fall away from my body. The cold air hits me like a brick and goosebumps litter my skin, forcing me to make the final decision: either to get up or hibernate. Quickly, I tick off the reasons in my head of why I need to be at the gym, so I dress in sweats and go. When I open my door, I can tell Carlisle is brewing coffee, thank God.

As I enter the kitchen, I give a slight nod to Carlisle, not wanting to talk to him this early. He nods back, scooting a filled travel mug across the counter in my direction. I nod again and mutter a "thanks," that doesn't even leave my mouth, and walk toward the backdoor. That's when he speaks.

"Don't forget about your appointment."

Wow, my business travels fast—I keep walking.

The back door closes hard from the wind, and I hustle to my truck. Once I'm inside, I glance up at Bella's window noticing her light is off finally.

The drive to the gym isn't long enough. I need a few more minutes before I bust my ass or get my ass busted from Jake. I let out a loud sigh and open my door. I'm here before Jake, but I go inside and start anyway. Focusing on baseball and making the Forks' team has to be my main priority right now. At least it'll probably prove to be easier to make the team than to figure out how to have a relationship with Bella. Anyway, Aro will be waiting and ready for me at noon today with a big smile. I'll vent to him and let him figure shit out for me. Hopefully, he'll have me feeling like rainbows and fucking sunshine when I leave.

 ***T***

After the gym, I decide to tell Mom I'm not feeling well so I can ditch school today. I'm exhausted from little sleep and one helluva workout. Bella must be doing the same because her car is still parked in the street when I get ready to leave for my appointment. Maybe she's ditching too because I didn't see Jake swing by and pick her up.

"Hello, Edward. Take a seat." Aro gestures to his couch.

"Hey."

I'm liable to fall asleep if I kick back, so I sit down and place my elbows on my knees with my hands clasped together, waiting for him to say something.

He sits across from me, taking out that fucking fancy pen and his notebook. At this rate, he'll need a huge one to write down all the shit I have told him and everything that's clogging my brain right now too.

"How are you today?"

I shrug. "About the same as every other day." It's the truth. I've tried different things to make myself feel better: I've stayed to myself, I've tried to hang out with Jake, and I've tried to fix things with Bella, and I still feel the same. Confused.

Aro nods, writing something in the _Edward Cullen is Fucked-up Notebook._

"When I spoke with you last night, you seemed relieved to hear my voice—maybe?"

"I guess." I sigh. "Actually...yeah."

He nods again, then tilts his head slightly. "Can you tell me why?"

I'm not sure if I should tell him what all has happened physically between Bella and me, and I'm for damn sure not telling him about me blurting out that I wanted to fuck her. Although, that could give him better insight on why I'm so fucking confused. So I go the simple route.

"Bella and I have hung out a few times and…" I pause—the feel of her body under mine is fresh in my thoughts. "It's confusing me."

"Hanging out is confusing you?"

All I can do is shrug.

Aro just stares at me for what seems like an eternity. This time, I want to yell across the bare coffee table at him that I like, no, love Bella, but she has a dick and I don't do dicks. Yet, I have an urge to fuck her anyway. My body sways back and forth, and my clasped hands sweat. I rub them down the tops of my jeans and decide it's a good time to lie down on the couch. Aro's dark eyes follow my every movement, almost boring a hole into my flesh. _Dramatic, I know. I must be sleep deprived._ He gives me a few minutes of silence before he speaks.

"Are you comfortable now, Edward?"

"Mhmm."

"Okay, I'll continue."

Aro rewords the same damn question from a few minutes ago.

"Are your feelings for Bella only confusing you when you hang out with her?"

Lying down isn't working for me. I almost dozed off seconds after my back hit leather, so I sit up again. I feel more in control this way anyway.

Avoiding Aro's eyes, mine focus on his pen as he taps it lightly on a page in the notebook—ready, waiting for me to speak. The _tap, tap, tap, tap_ is so soft I barely hear any sound, but it's like Aro is on first base, ready to steal second, then take it home.

He clears his throat.

"Um...I want to hang out with her..." I breathe in deeply through my nose, wanting to finish the sentence truthfully, but decide against it as I exhale. When I speak again, my voice is low. "I think about her all the time."

My eyes don't waiver from his pen, even when Aro stops tapping. I'm almost afraid to look him in his eyes, scared he'll tell me I'm gay or some shit. But deep down, I know Aro's job isn't to label me or tell me what I should do; that's what Carlisle told me.

"Are your feelings for her still the same as they were back in the summer?"

"Not _just_ like they were." That's really not a lie, because my feelings for her are more than what they were, but I don't divulge that to him. I lean back into the sofa, closing my eyes. Not because I'm dead-tired, because I am, but because I am closing the curtain to the world and hiding behind it like a pussy.

"Do you need help sorting through those?"

"Yes, I need help." I huff. "That's why I'm fucking here," I mumble the last part, trying not to be a dick, but knowing I am.

"I know why you're here, Edward. However, I need to know what it is exactly that you're struggling with. I need you to be honest with me."

A deep sigh leaves my mouth and the pen scratches across the paper at what sounds like warp speed. I crack one eye open just a sliver, but close it again as the scratching stops and I see he's looking my way.

"Is it safe to say that you're still having romantic feelings toward Bella?"

I shrug. I can't say it out loud, because then I'm putting it out into the universe.

"Does it make you happy when the two of you are together? I know it had been awhile since you both saw one another—until Carlisle's party, that is."

"Yeah."

"Have things been progressing in the manner you wish they would, since you made amends?"

Contemplating how I'd even begin to tell him that in a different land made of marshmallows and sunshine, where everyone is accepting of everything, Bella would be my girl and her dick wouldn't bother me. I'd ignore that major detail and have no problem talking to her at school, showing her off around town, and kissing her in public. But instead, we dry hump in private.

 _I chicken out._

"Yes, we're friends, kinda."

Some things are better left unsaid. My cheek stings again where Bella smacked me and my hand absentmindedly rubs at the spot.

"That's a start."

"Yeah."

 _Sometimes lies are good_ , I think. If it saves you from making a fool out of yourself—except when you're in therapy trying to make your life better. You shouldn't care what you look like. A person should tell the truth then, for mental health reasons, of course. I'm lying to Aro, but most of all, I'm lying to myself. _At this rate, I'll never get better._

"Edward, it looks like you want to tell me something else." He lays down his pen and leans in a tiny bit closer, as if I'm going to spill my secrets at any second.

 _Tap, tap, tap, tap_. My foot takes over for the fucking fancy pen. Little does he know, the words will not leave the darkest places of my soul. Only Auntie knows how I truly feel.

Thankfully, Aro continues. "I know things got pretty serious over the summer between you two."

"They did," I agree.

"And was there some intimate contact?"

I nod.

"How'd that make you feel?"

My voice is flat. "It was...great, I guess."

"Did you feel happy when you held hands?"

My chest warms with the thought of holding Bella's hand, and I answer his question. "Yes." My body remembers her soft skin and how she'd linked her fingers with mine. I want to stay in this moment and not think about anything else, but Aro persists.

"What about when you kissed?"

Last night's kiss was super-hot, but he's not asking about that one—he has no idea. He thinks we're speaking of events from the summer. A wave of emotion comes over me thinking that last night's kiss could have been our last. Thank God, I still have my eyes closed, because the thought of Bella's lips never touching mine again makes my eyes burn with tears that I don't want anyone to see.

"Who says we fucking kissed?"

"I suppose there are different ways to show intimacy. However, teenagers usually gravitate toward physical intimacy. They can have a difficult time reining those in, controlling them."

My mind is all over the place, my heart pumping like crazy. I need something—but I don't have any fucking idea what. An escape from the truth? I'm overheating, sweat forming on my brow and my hands again.

I bolt up from the couch and pace the room. "Fuck!"

"Edward," Aro says in a calm, patronizing voice.

I turn to him, and look him in the eye, trying to match his even tone. But when I speak, my fists clench and my voice is loud but shaky. "I want to fuck her—okay?"

Aro doesn't take his eyes off me—they're locked with mine. My lungs are laboring to take the necessary breaths so I don't pass out. I blink a few times, dizzy from the truth and scared of this reality. My tongue feels thick, and I swallow hard as I try to catch my breath, realizing I just spilled my fucking guts.

I can't tell what my shrink is thinking, whether or not he's making judgments about my sexuality, because he's watching me the same way he always does: shoulders squared, face relaxed, one ankle crossed over his knee, and hands resting calmly on the notebook.

Everything is the same for a few seconds...until his fingers uncurl and he picks up the pen. With our eyes still locked, he moves the pen furiously, scratching black ink across the white paper, and then he speaks.

"Good, that's very good, Edward. Now we're getting somewhere."

 **A/N:**

 **Thank you to those of you reaching out and letting me know how much you are missing my story. I promise you I AM GOING TO FINISH TANTAMOUNT. I had a bad case of writer's block, then I started a new job that's keeping me extremely busy.** _ **Excuses, excuses...I know.**_ **But, have no fear...I'm dedicated to this story.**

 **Lots of love, my friends!**

 **XO,**

 **OhGee**

 **Thank you, Cougar, for squeezing this into your busy schedule. xo**


	36. Chapter 36

**TANTAMOUNT**

 **CHAPTER 36**

Aro tries setting up another appointment with me, but I can't leave his office quick enough. I'm rambling about being late to my next class, telling him I'll call him later—or some bullshit. I don't really remember. My temples are pounding, and I feel like I'm floating in an out of body type of way, except my feet are heavy. Like those dreams when you try to run and your legs are moving, but you're going nowhere. It's surreal. I manage to get to the door and open it to bolt, but I trip out into the lobby, nearly plowing into someone standing nearby.

"Are you okay?" the stranger says. She holds onto my arm, helping me to right myself.

I don't respond. I can't. Nothing is okay with me. But my legs work again, and I'm gone.

When I make it to the parking lot, rain pounds down from the darkest tar-colored clouds I've ever seen. The awning overhead protects me from the water that's been collecting as it pours over the sides in sheets. I pause, catching my breath. An annoyed sound leaves my chest, and I take off sprinting to my truck parked deep in the lot. The wind is wicked, whipping at my face, burning like a leather strap on bare skin.

When I reach my truck, I'm drenched, red-faced, and cold as hell. I yank off my hoodie and T-shirt, tossing them to the floorboard, cursing this shitty weather.

My keys rattle in my trembling hand as I put them in the ignition and turn on the truck, letting it idle. I crank up the heat as high as it will go and fold my arms across my chest in an attempt to warm myself. I'm shivering as I press on the gas, coaxing the truck to hurry up and get warm.

Staring at the building in the distance, I vow to myself never to step foot in there again. The relief I thought I'd have after admitting my true feelings for Bella never came. I think about how goddamn stupid I must have sounded in my session, and wonder what's now embedded in the Edward Cullen-is-Fucked-up notebook.

As I imagine what Aro scribbled down, another shiver jolts me. I press down on the gas pedal again to rev the engine and take off out of the parking lot.

 _Hopeless kid._

 _Gay son-of-a-bitch._

 _Needs to realize he likes men who look like women._

 _Needs to stop fooling himself...because he isn't fooling anyone else._

 _Needs to face the fact he likes dick._

 _All of the above._

After vomiting out the truth, I'm wrecked. I lean across my seat, one hand on the wheel, the other trying to open the glovebox, hoping to drown my sorrows. But I can't find the emergency flask of Fireball. _"Fuck!"_

"Ugh, come on." A groan half-animalistic, half two-year-old child fills the cab. It finally hits me that I dumped out what was left in the flask a few days ago when I committed to baseball conditioning.

My head falls back against the headrest and I smash my hand on the steering wheel. My body is even heavier now, but not as heavy as my thoughts. Why didn't things go as planned? I expected my session to go a certain way; I counted on the fact I'd feel better, but in reality, it was a shit show. My admission took a toll on me mentally—to pull that shit out was hard. Now that everything's out in the open, nothing is better.

All those nights I lay awake, wishing I could tell my shrink everything so he could _fix me_ , is the total opposite of what has happened. If I could take back every fucking word, I would. Nothing I said is safe out in the open. Not for me or for Bella. At least they'd be all mine, and no one else's miserable shit to deal with. But now, I'm some transgender case study and a freaking statistic that'll be talked about until transgenderism is okay with the world. _Fuck you world!_

My mind is racing and I lose control of my truck, swerving to the shoulder of the road. I grab the wheel and wrench the truck back onto the pavement as my heart pounds like a motherfucker. I can't seem to clear my head, and somehow I pull over, slamming the truck in park.

I yell and grit my teeth. I can't believe how shitty I feel and compare it to the weather that has blown in. It sure as hell isn't rainbows and fucking sunshine. I try to take some deep breaths, knowing I need to calm down, but I've got so much shit in my head.

I sit with my eyes closed and listen to the rain beat down on my truck, trying to figure out where the hell I go from here. After what feels like hours, I realize that I can't change anything that's happened, but I can move on. Fuck therapy. Fuck dicks. And fuck Bella. I need to focus on me.

When I'm ready to drive again, I turn up my music, trying to drown out my thoughts until my ears ring.

The last place I want to go is home, so I head to the only place I can blow off steam and start on me.

 ***T***

 _ **Dude, why weren't you at school today?**_

I put my truck in park and debate whether or not to text Jake back.

 _ **Did you work too hard at the gym this morning...trying to keep up with me?**_

I'm not in the mood for his stupid humor and turn off the ignition roughly.

 **YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF, ASSHOLE.**

 _ **Whoa, dude. What the fuck is the matter with you? It must be the weather. Bella's pissy too.**_

My phone rings before I have time to respond to his text.

"'Hey, man, I was just playin'."

Jake is in his car; his engine rumbles in the background. My guess is he's leaving school.

"I've had a shitty day, that's all."

"Wanna hang?"

"Nah, I need to blow off some steam."

"There ain't no pussy in Forks, so I know you're not trying to get laid." His laugh breaks the tension.

 _Isn't that the truth._ "I'll see you in the morning, all right?"

"Later, man." Jake hangs up, and I grab my duffel bag from the back seat. The gym is the only place I feel like I belong at the moment.

 ***T***

My workout is brutal, but I manage to forget my session with Aro while I'm here. I'm pumped, and it's been my best workout so far. My whole body is slick with sweat.

"Either you just sucked down a few energy drinks before your workout, or you're pissed at the world," Waylon says. He hands me a gym towel that looks worn from years of wear.

"Thanks." I take the towel and scrub it over my face.

"Is it about a girl?"

"Huh? Oh, nah," I lie. "You know...just wanna be in shape for the team."

Waylon nods his head, the corner of his mouth sucked in a bit. I can tell he knows I'm lying, but he's not going to call me out.

"Okay, well, with the way you're pumpin' iron and running the tread off my treadmill, you'll for sure make that damn school team." He chuckles. "Hell, you'd be a shoo-in for the majors at this point."

"In my dreams," I say, walking toward the drinking fountain.

Waylon hollers after me. "Keep it up and that's exactly where you'll find yourself."

My step falters, but I push forward because I'm thirsty. As I lean over the stream of water taking a gulp, a new goal enters my head. _The majors._

When I straighten up, Waylon is leaning against the wall next to the fountain. "You know, I've seen a lot in my years. Guys come and go out of here. It's a revolving door. Some are here for themselves, others for someone else."

I wipe water off my chin with my arm and nod as if I know what he's rambling on about, but I have no clue.

Waylon continues. "Those guys are pushing themselves, making their bodies near perfect for someone else, not themselves." He smiles and shakes his head as if they are dumbasses. "No matter how fit or perfect someone is...it's in here." He taps his fist against his heart. "A body is a body—it's all about heart. If your heart ain't right...it ain't right. I mean that literally and metaphorically."

Not to be a dick, but I'm shocked Waylon knows big words.

"Physical appearance isn't everything. I mean, who doesn't love a nice body or one for performance? But it ain't everything, son."

"Hmm, okay." I'm not sure why he's spewed all that. But it has me thinking about Bella—and why it's so important to me that she changes her body to make me happy. Or to fit into the norm. "See you bright and early tomorrow?"

He puts his hand out to shake mine. "I'll be here. Get some rest."

 ***T***

When I pull in the driveway, Bella's car looks like it's still in the same place as when I left earlier. I should check on her since Jake said she's pissy. I know it's my fault, but I'm not even sure what I'd say at this point. Instead, I grab some food and head upstairs to take a shower and make a list of goals.

Now: Make the Forks baseball team—EASY!

Later: College—definitely doable.

Future: The MLB!—BIG fucking dream.

I tack the paper on my bulletin board and kick up my feet on the desk, staring at what I wrote. No mention of girls on that sheet. Ironic.

 ***T***

Maybe I'm a pussy or maybe I'm just focused, but working out and watching baseball videos on YouTube is all I've been doing the last few days. On Friday, Jake asks if I want to hang out with him and Bella. Since he's not kicked my ass, I figure Bella hasn't told him how rude I had been to her.

"We're going into Port Angeles to hang out," he says, picking up his duffel bag.

"I'm good. I have plans." I'm drenched with sweat from our workout and towel-dry my head.

"Whatever it is, it can't be more fun than hanging out with your two favorite people."

We walk toward the door of the gym and Waylon hollers at us. "Good workout today, boys. See ya later!"

"Later!" we say in unison.

"But, seriously, Edward. You and Bella are acting weird. I know something happened between you guys, but no one is telling me what, so I figured I'd stay neutral." We reach our cars. "I'm pretty sure you'd need an ass beating for it, though."

"Probably," I admit.

Jake lifts an eyebrow in question. "I'll just pretend I didn't hear that."

"I should probably give Bella some space."

"So, something _did_ happen?"

"Put it this way...I don't think she wants to see me."

"Well, let me talk to her. There's a Halloween party at Collin's place next weekend, outside—gonna be the shit. Tons of people. And, dude, we need to be there."

"I don't know, man."

"Come on, Ed. One last smash before we go hard at training. And it's costume, so we can be whoever the fuck we want." He laughs.

"I don't know. That's not really my style, but I'll think about it. Have fun in PA."

 ***T***

Against my better judgment, I'm throwing on a last minute costume for Collin's Halloween party. Jake wouldn't get off my ass about the fucking thing and played me so dirty, practically killing me so I'd say yes.

I was at my weakest moment, benching my heaviest weight. Waylon had stacked twenty-five pounds more on each side of the bar, challenging me to max out. I wanted to prove I could do it, but I struggled like hell to get the bar set back into the rack and needed that asshole's help.

" _Say you'll go to the party, Edward." Jake's hands are so close to gripping the bar, but he won't do it until I commit._

 _With my teeth clenched together, strangled grunts gurgle from my throat. I feel the veins in my head pounding, my arms shaking with pure exhaustion, and my will faltering. If I don't say yes to the fucking party, I'll be strangled by the weight of what I'm pressing. Not that Jake will let that happen, but I'm not taking my chances._

" _You going?" Jake asks again._

 _I can see through my squinted eyes that dumbass smirking at me. "Yessss!" I growl, pissed, wanting to kill a motherfucker._

 _Jake grabs the bar and eases it into the cradle. I've never been so relieved. My arms fall toward the ground, boneless and tingling. I can't move from where I'm lying, trying to catch my breath._

" _All this time I knew you wanted to go with us." Jakes laughing and I'm giving him a death stare._

" _Not. Cool. Asshole," I say between labored breaths._

 _When I'm finally up on my feet, I tag Jake in his arm as hard as I can._

" _I wasn't gonna let you kill yourself," he whines like a little girl, and I take satisfaction in that._

I button my baseball jersey just as Jake enters my bedroom.

"How original." He plops himself down on my bed and lifts the wolf mask from his face. He's wearing a sweatshirt with fake fur attached to it and jeans with jagged legs.

"At least I'm not wearing my usual clothes like you are." The insult is lame, but oh well.

"Ha, you're not funny."

The last time Jake talked about the party, he said Bella was going. I want to know if that's still the plan, but before I can ask, Jake's phone pings with an incoming text. He whips it out of his pocket, glances at it quickly before putting it away.

Jake claps his hands together loudly and jumps up off the bed. "Okay, fucker, if you're done primping, let's go get fucked up!" He reaches underneath his sweatshirt, pulling out a fifth of Fireball. "I got you."

I grin and grab it, heading out the door. "Night's looking better already."

 **A/N**

 **Enjoy!**

 **XO,**

 **OhGee**


	37. Chapter 37

**Tantamount**

 **Chapter 37**

I want to kiss Jake—like full-on tongue—for forcing me to the Halloween party tonight.

Actually, I like girls, ones who used to be boys, apparently. Anyway, the smirk on my face, by the time we get to the party, is brought to me by Fireball. It's a nice change to the funk I've been in lately.

"I might have a surprise for you tonight," Jake says, as we reach the property.

"I don't like surprises." I touch the bottle of Fireball to my lips and pause. "Unless...never mind."

"I said might, asshole."

Collin's party is at his grandpa's farm off the highway down a long dirt road. Jake parks near the gated entrance and cuts the engine, then pulls his phone out of his pocket and sends a text.

"Let's do this!" Jake's voice booms too loud and he claps his hands together, stinging my eardrums. I wince.

My hand instinctively presses the Fireball bottle to my lips again. I breathe in through my nose and exhale the same way, only contemplating for a second what the fuck I'm doing here. I tip back my head, taking in a mouthful of its contents, letting the cinnamon warm me before I open the door to the cold.

We walk toward the large bonfire and the music coming from behind a small, white farmhouse.

"So, there's this girl," Jake says, as we round the farmhouse. "She might be here tonight. I'm crossing my fingers." He holds up his hand with two meaty fingers crossed.

No wonder he's been up my ass to come here tonight. He probably needs to get laid.

"Yeah, me too," I mumble, keeping my hands in my coat pocket, one securely around the neck of my bottle.

The bonfire is pretty massive, and there are a shit ton of people in costume partaking in the festivities and hanging out near the flames. There's a sound system set up in the back of a black, lifted truck and a couple of coolers next to cars.

A few girls scantily dressed as cheerleaders, witches, and various other things are dancing somewhat provocatively. A handful of guys are watching the dirty dancing, leaned against tailgates and perched on long logs positioned around the fire, a perfect view to see what's under those short skirts. They drink and nudge their friends, pointing to which ones, I assume, they want to conquer tonight.

Jake waves across the crowd and heads over to a group of guys I don't recognize. I take a seat on one of the other logs and pull the bottle from my pocket. It's warm just like what's inside. I watch as Jake approaches them with fist bumps and high fives. I unscrew the lid and take another swig. His friends are wearing NFL football jerseys and beanies, but I doubt Jake tells them they are too original like he did me. I guess my idea of wearing my baseball jersey isn't a bad one after all.

The crackle of the fire, the music, and my beverage has done a good job of relaxing me. It's gotta be an hour now, and I'm still okay with being here, instead of in my room, alone, looking out at Bella's window, wondering what she's up to.

"Want a hotdog?"

I look up, and one of the cheerleaders I saw across the way is now standing beside me.

"Nah, I'm good. Thanks, though."

"Wow, you do have manners after all." The girl places her hand on her hip, taking a bite from the hotdog she had just offered me.

"Huh?"

"You don't remember?" she asks around the bite of hotdog.

I'm feeling too good, and I really don't care to remember much at all right now. I shrug, looking back toward the bonfire.

"Wow," she says sarcastically.

Ignoring her is difficult when she sits down next to me, chowing on the hotdog as if it's my dick or something.

"Who are you anyway?"

"Gahhhh," she says in that annoying voice of hers. "When I saw you here I thought maybe you'd be nice to me since…" I see her shake her head out of the corner of my eye.

"I need to take a piss." I stand and stash the bottle back in my jacket just as she grabs my arm.

"I'm not following you this time," she says, matter-of-fact.

It takes me a second to realize who she is when I look down at her and what she means. The knit hat she's wearing hides most of her red hair, but I know exactly who she is now. Not her name, though, because honestly, I'm trying to forget everything about that night.

"I didn't ask you to." Unless she's gonna tell me she's pregnant, which it doesn't look like she is, then she needs to get her fucking hand off me. I turn and walk toward the forest of trees, and she's hot on my heels.

"You said you weren't gonna follow me." I find a spot and undo my baseball pants to take a piss, and she stops a few feet behind me.

"Remember the last time we were in the woods together?" The way she says it is sarcastic as hell.

"Nope," I say. But I do remember—I remember that night all too well. Emmett and Jasper dared me to fuck her, not thinking I could actually deliver on the dare. Back then, I was too cocky and too stupid. Taking the bait from those assholes that night was the worst thing I've ever done. Their dares ruined me—and Bella.

"You're a jerk."

I roll my eyes because, yeah, I am. Turning my head to the side, I respond over my shoulder. "News flash, whatever-your-name-is, that's _not_ news.

The old cocky Edward is resurfacing, and I don't like it. I shake my dick and tuck it back into my pants, then brush past her. She's putting me in a mood and it's pissing me off.

Sticks and leaves crunch under what's-her-name's footsteps as she runs to catch up with me. I pick up my pace, reaching the edge of the trees, and that's when I see Bella. The glow of the bonfire makes her look like a goddess from heaven. She's in skinny jeans, a fluffy sweater, and her Ugg boots. She's holding a to-go coffee cup, talking to Jake.

My feet stop, and what's-her-name plows right into my back. This won't look good at all if Bella, or Jake for that matter, sees me exit the forest with this girl. I turn around so fast and bend to face her, my teeth clenched as the words fly out of my mouth. "Get the hell away from me."

Her eyes widen and her mouth drops open, but no words come out. She takes off like a scared little deer, and I sigh with relief.

It takes me a minute to get myself together. Bella's nodding at Jake as they talk and she looks nervous, rocking side to side. Jake's probably telling her I'm here, and I'm pretty sure she still doesn't want to see me. She's so gorgeous though, and I want to stare at her as long as I can before she bolts.

A girl wearing a similar outfit as Bella walks up to them. I haven't seen her before, but she leans her cheek against Jake's bicep and he wraps his arm around her shoulders. Must be the girl Jake was hoping for tonight.

I decide to suck it up and join them; I have to face Bella at some point. As I approach, Jake notices me.

"Hey, dickhead."

"Hey, asshole," I say.

Bella's eyes meet mine nervously, and I give her a little smile. "Hi, Bella."

"Hi, Edward."

"Is this the guy?" the girl nuzzled into Jake says.

Bella nods. "Tia, this is Edward. Edward, this is Tia Romani."

"Nice to meet you," I say. "So, are you two supposed to be twins?"

"Basic white girls," they say in unison.

"Pumpkin spice lattes." Bella holds up her Starbucks cup.

We all laugh, and the ice has been broken.

"Hey, Edward," Jake says. "Bella wants to talk to you. Right, Bella?"

"Oh, um...yeah, I do." She fiddles with the lid on her latte. And that makes me nervous, wondering what she wants to talk about.

"I'm going to warm up with Tia by the fire. Go have your chat." Jake motions toward the forest of trees.

"No, not there. It's too cold. We can talk in Jake's truck." I hold out my hand, and Jake hands me the keys.

"No driving, dickhead."

I give him a thumbs-up then look at Bella. "Let's go."

There's silence between us as we walk. She's sipping her latte and I'm trying hard not to reach for my bottle, even though I have the urge. I want to remember everything we talk about, so I withdraw my hands from my pockets and adjust my ball cap for something to do. I'm thinking of all the things Bella could have to say to me, and an aching pit grows heavy in my stomach. I've been such a douche and I'll deserve every harsh word she has to say. I want to say some stuff too—like real deal honesty and shit. Like I love the fuck outta her, and I want to be with her, but I'm scared. I guess I'll let her speak first and see how I'm feeling after she reams my ass.

"It's over here," I say, breaking the silence, pointing in the direction of Jake's truck. I'm a few steps in front of her and unlock the passenger door, opening it for her. Feels just like old times to be here with her like this.

 ***T***

The truck is warm with the heat cranked up. I slide off my coat and turn in my seat to face Bella. She's twisting her fingers together like she does when she's nervous, and I put my hand over them to try to ease her anxiety.

"It's okay," I say.

She nods, looking down at my hand on hers.

"I'm glad you want to talk to me." It feels good to be in close quarters with Bella. She smells freaking amazing wearing that perfume I got her last summer. I close my eyes for a split second, breathing her in.

"Yeah." She nods again, but pulls her hands out from under mine and holds them up, palms facing me. My heart drops when she does that. She's on the defensive already.

"But I just need some space while we talk. Your touch makes me flustered and nervous."

"I didn't mean to make you nervous, Bella. I was trying—"

She cuts me off. "Nervous in a good way, Edward. You make me so dizzy sometimes. Like the merry-go-round at the park, after too much ice cream on that hot summer day. Remember?"

"How could I forget? I've replayed all our times together. Every last second. That's all I've been doing since forever it seems."

"Really?" Her hands fall to her lap.

"Yeah. Every fucking day."

There's a brief silence in the truck, and I lean my head back to the headrest and Bella does the same.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Jake's been talking to me about things." She pauses. "Things like not avoiding you and not avoiding my life."

My brows furrow. "Does he know everything about us?'

"No. After he, well...hurt you, I haven't told him much. But he's my best friend and he knows me pretty well. He knows how much I like you, even though I haven't come right out and said just how much."

"How much is that, Bella?" My breath quivers a little when I say her name.

"A lot," she whispers. "A whole lot."

Hearing that makes me so happy and relieved—I almost felt like she hated me. I start to speak, but she cuts me off again.

"But I need to be me."

A flicker of insecurity hits me. "What do you mean?"

She sighs and looks out the window, quiet for a few minutes before she speaks. "I-I am going to go through with the gender reassignment surgery. I need to be a whole me. And the only way I feel I can do that is with the surgery." She pauses and turns to me. "But it's not an easy or cheap process, and I have to wait a while from when I first saw the doctor—it's very complex. So, I'm slowly preparing, physically and mentally. And I will get there."

I don't know what to say right away, but I can't stop thinking, _Holy fuck! That means she won't have a dick anymore!_ Maybe that's stupid and wrong for me to think, but that's where my head is at, on a loop.

"I know this is a lot for you to take in, Edward. And, honestly, it's a lot for me to share, because I don't even know how Dad is going to pay for it all. But I wanted to be honest with you. This is my plan for the summer, after we graduate."

With a deep breath, I look into Bella's eyes, and I can see how vulnerable she is. "Wow, fuck... I-I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say here. But I am glad that you have a plan, and that you seem happy about it."

"I wanted you to know. I'm done hiding things from you." She smiles. "I feel...almost relieved to have said it out loud to you."

My mind is reeling, but I slowly reach for her hand. This time, she doesn't pull away from me, and I relax a little—for the first time in a long time.

But I still really need a fucking drink.

 **A/N:**

 **Hey, friends. *waves* I cannot tell you how much your reviews mean to me. I LOVE THEM! I haven't had time to answer all of them, but know I do read them. Some of you are asking if I'm going to publish, and honestly, I think this story is so relevant at the moment that I'm tossing that idea around. Your encouragement is so sweet and I thank you.**

 **AND...Thank you to Midnight Cougar for basically being on speed dial for this needy writer.**

 **((Hugs))**

 **OhGee**


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